


Your Home Is With Me

by anja_c



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: A little angst, F/M, Like constantly, M/M, No Spoilers, References to Drug Use, S6 speculation, a little smut, also clarke has an unhealthy work obsession, and im actually kinda mad abt it, because we dont see that NEARLY enough, but also sometimes not, but like much later, but mostly just fluff, clarke and bellamy kinda co-parent madi sometimes i guess, clarke and raven being Good Friends™️ to each other, echo is dead, heart!bellamy, heart!bellamy telling head!bellamy to get fucked, hella fluff, madi putting murphy in his place, minor miller and jackson, murphy is a dick, relatively slow burn, removed the 'not even sorry' tag after the 'echo is dead' tag bc im actually starting to like echo, the occasional attempt at humour, we finally know where this fic is going, which turns into an eating disorder, yay
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-05-01
Updated: 2019-09-09
Packaged: 2020-02-10 20:38:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 17
Words: 43,510
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18667954
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/anja_c/pseuds/anja_c
Summary: The gang landed on the new planet, Sanctum, three years ago but they're missing one of their own. Until they're not. The return of Bellamy Blake sends ripples throughout the camp. How will Clarke overcome the emotional anguish Bellamy left her with? Will his return spark a desperate confession?





	1. Life Aint Always Roses

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey y'all thanks for clicking on my story, i promise you won't regret it! enjoy.  
> this chapter's title is from the song Friends by E^ST

Prologue:

“Are you sure about this, Echo?” Bellamy looked around nervously, still unsure if he was making the right decision.

“I told you, Bellamy; Octavia will never forgive me, neither will the others.”

“I know, it’s just – running away in the middle of the night – it seems a bit extreme. I mean we’ve only been on this planet for a few weeks, we don’t know what’s in those woods.”

“Bellamy, this is our only choice,” Echo stepped closer to him, looking him in the eyes, daring him to protest.

He sighed in resignation, “okay, well we better go before we wake anyone up.” But it was too late – out of the corner of his eye, Bellamy saw Madi emerge from her and Clarke’s shared room.

“Bellamy? Echo? What are you doing?” Madi declared loudly. He ran over, shushing her.

“Is Clarke awake?” She shook her head softly and Bellamy gave a sigh of relief, “go back to bed, Madi.”

“I could have you arrested, you know,” she declared defiantly.

“I know Madi, but please – for Clarke’s sake – just go back to bed.”

“Why are we wasting time, Bellamy,” Echo whispered harshly, “She’s like 12, we could kill her and be done with it.”

“We are not killing her, Echo,” turning back to Madi, Bellamy pleaded, “just go to sleep, tell no one about this.”

“What about Clarke?” she insisted.

“I left her a note, she’ll understand,” he replied, not sure who he’s trying to convince.

“She won’t,” Madi told Bellamy simply.

“She’ll have to.”

 

**** 3 years later ****

 

“Clarke?” Madi stepped warily into the makeshift lab Raven set up two and a half years ago when they first embarked on their secret mission. Clarke was busy working and didn’t even notice her presence until Madi’s hand was on her shoulder.

“What is it?” Clarke asked without even looking up.

“I brought dinner.”

“I’m not hungry.”

Madi sighed. “You’re never hungry,” she whispered to herself. Her thoughts were interrupted by Raven bursting through the lab door.

“Is she eating?” Raven asked hopefully.

“What do you think,” Madi rolled her eyes sarcastically. Raven also worked in the lab with Clarke, but she wasn’t nearly as obsessed.

“You have to take a break, Clarke,” Raven stood next to Madi, “you aren’t any help on no sleep and an empty stomach.”

“While I appreciate your honesty, Raven, I’m not even hungry or tired, and I just want to keep working for now.”

“That’s what you always say,” Madi reminded her, “and then we find you half an hour later passed out from exhaustion slumped over your bench.”

“Exactly, so just give me my thirty minutes and let me finish this,” Clarke snapped and Madi flinched, Raven comforted her.

“Come one, we’ll check back in later,” she told Madi.

Sure enough, when they came back half an hour later, Clarke was passed out on the floor. Raven picked her up and dragged her into one of the two bedrooms they had added adjacent to the lab. Madi crawled into bed next to her, fixing Clarke’s hair and pulling the covers over them both, as was their ritual. Raven then called Abby in who inserted the IV tube into Clarke’s arm, for the last two years, this was the only way they had been able to get enough nutrition into Clarke’s body. She slept for thirty-seven hours, pretty much a record, and Madi stayed with her the whole time. When she finally woke up, she kissed Madi on the forehead and went back into the lab, picking up exactly where she had left off.

\---

Miller gave Jackson a final kiss, not wanting to pull away but knowing he gad to, “I’ve got guard duty now,” he whispered.

“I know,” Jackson replied just as softly.

“I have to go.”

“Then go.”

Miller sighed and rolled out of bed, sliding his guard jacket on.

“Nooo,” Jackson cried softly, “I was kidding, come back.”

Miller laughed before leaning back over and planting a firm kiss on Jackson’s lips, he sighed hard, still not wanting to go. “Goodbye, I’ll see you in five hours,” Miller whispered against his boyfriend’s lips.

“See you in five hours,” he whispered back. He got up after Miller left, knowing he had a job to do too and that Abby had probably been expecting him in medical ten minutes ago.

As Miller stood at his post, getting down to his last half an hour, he began to count down the minutes until he saw Jackson again – his counting was interrupted however by a scuffle in the bushes lining their encampment. “Identify yourself!” He barked at the bloodied figure emerging from the bushes.

“It’s me, Miller! It’s Bellamy!” the figure cried, before collapsing at his feet. When he bent down, Miller realised with shock that it was in fact Bellamy Blake.

Pulling his radio out, Miller spoke into it, “This is guard 43, I’ve got Bellamy Blake at position 12, requesting medical backup. Over.”

A voice called back, “Guard 43 repeat, did you say you had Bellamy Blake? Over.”

“Yes, sir, that’s correct. Over.”

“Sending medical backup immediately.”

\---

“It’s really you.” Bellamy awoke to see the blue eyes that he had seen watching him as he left three years ago. She leaned over and hugged him tightly.

“Madi?” Bellamy coughed as she released him, “where am I?”

“In the medical wing of our new camp,” Abby replied with Jackson in tow.

Jackson asked the question on everyone’s mind, “Where’s Echo?”

Bellamy looked down at the ground, “she left me,” he replied softly. Hesitating, he finished, “then she died.”

Abby let out a sharp exhale of sympathy, “When was this Bellamy?”

“About… a year ago.”

“A year? You’ve been out there alone for a year?” Abby stroked his arm in comfort and he was briefly reminded of his own mother – if only for a moment.

“Where’s Octavia?” he asked, sitting up.

“She’s out hunting,” Madi informed him, “but I’m sure she’ll come visit as soon as she gets back,” she reassured, noticing the disappointment in his face.

Bellamy nodded, they all stayed in silence for a moment before Bellamy whispered so softly that they barely heard him, “and Clarke?” Madi and Abby shared a look, unsure of how much to tell him. Bellamy noticed, all the colour draining from his face, “tell me she’s ok.” His words were shaky and unsure, as if he didn’t know if he wanted the answer.

“She’s… she’s fine,” Abby said, avoiding Bellamy’s eyes.

“I think ‘fine’ is a bit of a stretch, don’t you?” Murphy snarked from the bed next to his.

Madi turned to him, snarling, “What was that?”

Murphy looked shocked and held his hands up in mock surrender, “my bad, chief.” He sat up and gathered his things as Emori appeared in the doorway.

“You are speaking to your commander right now! I’d show some damn _respect_ if I were you, lest you want to be strung up outside the walls as bait!”

Bellamy was shocked, he had never known Madi to have such rage.

“Welcome back, King. Lot’s changed since you left,” Murphy smirked. “Your Princess has gone loopy,” he began to walk off before adding, “so has her kid.”

Abby had to physically restrain Madi as Murphy strode off proudly, whilst Bellamy looked confusedly between the three.

“Murphy’s right, Bellamy.” Jackson told him, “A lot has changed.”

“I want to see Clarke.”

\---

“Wait here,” Raven told Bellamy.

“What? Why?”

“Technically Madi and I are the only ones allowed in this lab.”

“She’ll want to see me, though, won’t she?” the pain was palpable on his face and Raven sighed in sympathy.

“Bellamy, the truth is: none of us know how she’ll react to you being back, she hasn’t even talked about you since you left. Not once. Every time we tried to bring it up, she just… snapped, eventually we gave up trying.”

“I have to see her, Raven,” Bellamy practically pleaded. Raven shook her head, knowing there was no way she could get him to listen, and opened the door, Bellamy trailing in behind her. As expected, Clarke didn’t even look up from her bench.

“Clarke, I have something for you.” Raven told her tentatively.

“Raven, I told you, I don’t want your sleeping pills, I don’t need sleep, I’m fine!” Clarke snapped.

“You don’t look fine,” Bellamy piped up, causing Clarke to whip her head around. “You look like crap.” Clarke stood at her bench for what felt like an hour, just staring at Bellamy in disbelief.

“Raven,” she called softly, “tell me this isn’t another hallucination. Tell me this is real.”

“It’s real, Clarke. Bellamy’s back.”

Clarke ran at full speed, crashing into Bellamy. She wrapped her arms around his waist, and he squeezed her tightly, lifting her up into the air. They stayed like that for a moment, taking in the sensation of each other. Bellamy set Clarke down but kept his arms wrapped around her and she around him, Bellamy breathed in the familiar scent of Clarke’s beautiful blonde waves. Even in the beginning, when they couldn’t stand each other, he had secretly loved her blonde hair – and her eyes, her piercing blue eyes. He pulled away to look at her beautiful eyes that had haunted his sleep for the last three years, both in wonderful dreams and terrifying nightmares.

“You have no idea how much I’ve missed you for the last three years,” he told her, pulling her back into a tight hug.

At those words though, something in Clarke snapped. She pulled away, pushing him into the wall, “You left me!” she cried, her beautiful face turning into a snarl, “You left me alone! I hate you! For three years, you left me alone!” she began to swat at his arms, Raven pulled her away.

Wrapping her arms around Clarke’s front from behind, a gesture which looked all too practised to Bellamy, Raven whispered into Clarke’s ear as she began to cry, “ _ai giv ai op_ … _gon nemiyon_ … _kom lanik-de_ …” She quietly repeated the phrase until Clarke joined in.

“ _Ai giv ai op gon nemiyon kom lanik-de_ ” Clarke repeated softly between sobs. Raven slowly released her and wiped away her tears as Clarke sniffled.

“You’re ok,” Raven stroked her arm reassuringly, “You’re ok.” After a moment’s pause, she asked Clarke, “do you want me to get Madi?”

“No, it’s ok. I need to talk to Bellamy.”

“Ok, I’ll wait here.”

“No, I want to talk to Bellamy alone,” Clarke’s voice broke the way one’s voice does after they’ve just been crying.

“Are you sure?” Raven looked worried.

“Yes please.”

“Ok, but I’m going to be right outside that door, alright?”

“Ok.” Clarke nodded as Raven gave her one last hug before slinking outside and closing the door behind her.

“Clarke,” Bellamy began gently, not wanting to upset her again, “I’m so sorry, I’m such an asshole. I shouldn’t’ve left.”

“No.” She told his plainly, “you really shouldn’t’ve.”

“I… I had no idea that all of this would happen. I didn’t think you’d need me, you had Raven and Madi and Abby and everyone else.”

“But I did need you, Bellamy! I needed you and you weren’t here for me!”

“I know and I’m so, so sorry. If I could do it all over again I would, and I honestly mean that.”

“I’m not sure Echo would feel the same,” Clarke snarled, “where is she by the way?” There was no genuine concern in her question.

“She’s… she’s dead.”

Clarke looked taken aback, like she didn’t know quite how to respond, “I… I’m sorry,” she told Bellamy, she didn’t sound very sure of it though.

“We were fine for a while but then I wanted to come home and she didn’t, so she just walked off, next thing I knew this giant bear-looking thing and jumped out and just tore her to shreds. I didn’t know what to do so I just, I just ran, I ran for a year. And then I found myself near the boundaries of the camp and I saw the lights and I saw Miller and I just missed my friends, I missed my family… I missed you.” Bellamy started to break down. Clarke was stunned, through everything they’d faced together, she didn’t think she’d ever seen him cry.

“Hey,” she pulled him back into a hug. “I _am_ really sorry about Echo. But you’re home now, you’re with your friends, you’re with your family, you’re with me, ok?” Bellamy sniffled and nodded, burying his head into her shoulder. “Here,” Clarke led Bellamy to the other room attached to the lab, “this was supposed to be Madi’s room but she pretty much sleeps next door with me. I’d like it if you slept here, at least for a bit.” Bellamy nodded, nostalgia washed over him. Clarke was clearly dealing with so much and yet there she was again, taking care of him, making sure he was ok. He felt incompetent, somehow unworthy of her care.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you made it yay! thank you so much for reading the first chapter. comment and let me know what you thought of it. the next chapter should be up sometime within the next week.


	2. Growing Up Made Me Numb

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bellamy's back and it's officially business as usual - well, as usual as the 100 gets.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey y'all. it's currently 2:20am where i am so i'm way too fucking tired to do a proof-read so this will most likely be edited and fixed later but for now: ta da!
> 
> also the title is from Sober Up by AJR.
> 
> its also a v short chapter, don't hate me

Bellamy yawned and staggered out of his room wearing nothing but his boxers, forgetting that his room was attached to the lab. Clarke turned around to watch Bellamy stumble out sleepy-eyed and tired, messy curls falling over his face. Once Bellamy realised Clarke was there, it was too late.

“Oh, I- I forgot, sorry. I’m gonna go get dressed. I’ll see you in the mess hall for breakfast, right?”

“Uh…” Clarke trailed off, she never ate breakfast. _What the hell_ , she thought, _Bellamy’s home_ , “sure, I just gotta finish this real quick.”

“What is that, by the way? What you’re working on in here?”

Before Clarke could answer, Madi emerged from her bedroom, “you’re eating breakfast with us?” she sounded so excited.

“Of course,” Clarke pulled Madi in for a hug, softly stroking her head in a gesture of intimacy she hadn’t displayed anything like in almost eight months, “why wouldn’t I?”

“I’m glad you’re back,” Madi grinned at Bellamy, leaning into Clarke.

“Me too,” he grinned back, but didn’t look at Madi.

\---

Bellamy, Clarke and Madi strode into the mess hall, walking up to the ‘delinquents table’ as it had been affectionately named. Clarke and Madi sat between Miller and a girl Clarke recognised as Lisa. Bellamy sat opposite Clarke between Murphy and Raven.

“Look at this everyone,” Murphy remarked, “the princess has decided to grace us with her presence.”

“Lay off, Murphy,” Bellamy grunted. Turning to Miller, he asked if there was anything he could do to get Bellamy reinstated as a guard. Clarke looked up but didn’t say anything, everyone seemed to notice but Bellamy.

“I dunno, man.” Miller told him honestly, “you were gone a while, Kane’s not gonna forgive that so easily.”

“Kane’s running the guard? Oh, he’ll definitely give me my old job back.”

“But I won’t,” Madi spoke up, noticing Clarke’s pained looks. “As your commander I am officially relieving you of your guard duty-” Bellamy began to protest but Madi spoke over him, “ _temporarily_! Just until Abby assesses you to be fit for duty.”

“What? Madi, come on. That’s bullshit!” Bellamy protested, everyone at the table drew in a gasp.

“ _Ai laik Heda_ , Mr. Blake, you will not speak to me in that way.” She snarled in a low voice.

“ _Moba, Heda_ ,” he apologised, “It’s just that Abby already cleared me.”

“She released you from medbay, she did not declare you fit for active duty. You’ve seen some trauma in your time away, some of that may still linger and I am not comfortable arming you with a gun and charging you with protecting our camp before you have properly dealt with all of it.” Her tone made it clear that Madi’s decision was final – Bellamy didn’t have to think hard to wonder where she had gotten that sort of tone from.

“I can ask if Abby can see you this week?” Jackson offered, peering out from next to Miller.

“Thanks, Jackson,” Clarke answered for Bellamy, “in the meantime, you can help me in the lab,” Clarke reached across the table and gave Bellamy’s hand a reassuring squeeze. Murphy looked like he was about to comment but reconsidered when he saw Madi staring daggers at him.

\---

“You still haven’t told me what it is we’re doing here,” Bellamy smirked at Clarke.

She avoided his eyes, “just some research for my mother.”

Bellamy frowned, “are you sure that’s it?”

“Of course,” Clarke looked at him, still not making direct eye contact though, “what else would we be doing?”

Bellamy honestly couldn’t think of another answer, so he dropped it. “What do you need me to do?”

“Uhm…” Clarke looked around for a moment before spotting an unorganised pile of petri dishes in the corner. “Can you go sort those out? Anything that has an expiration past the third just toss in the biological waste bin.”

Bellamy began to sort, “what if they say ‘unsuccessful’?”

“No, no, no!” Clarke cried, “keep those! Keep them please!”

“Ok, ok, I’m keeping them, it’s ok.”

Clarke let out a sigh of relief, “good. We need them.”

They continued working in silence for a while, before Bellamy spoke up, “so, Madi’s changed a lot since I’ve been gone.”

“Yeah, she’s matured so much, she’s had to.” Bellamy looked confused. “She’s the commander now, they all look to her.”

Bellamy nodded solemnly, “it’s not easy running things, is it?”

Clarke couldn’t help the laugh that escaped her lips, “yeah. I think she really missed you, though.”

“I don’t think I’m the only one she’s missed,” Bellamy said quietly, so quietly Clarke wasn’t even sure she heard him correctly at first.

“What do you mean by that?”

“Clarke, I know I’ve been gone these last few years, but it sounds like I’m not the only one who hasn’t been here – not really at least.”

Clarke set down the beaker she was holding and removed her goggles, looking at the ground, “it’s been hard, Bellamy. You have no idea what it was like. In the beginning, there were days where I just couldn’t get out of bed. It was just all too much, I just couldn’t understand why you left me, left me to struggle alone, left me to do everything by myself. I just… I’ve never felt alone like that before.”

“But you weren’t alone, you had Madi, Raven, your mom, hell – even Kane.”

“But I didn’t have you,” at that she looked up at him, “every time we’ve been separated, I’ve always had some sort of way of feeling close to you or been too busy saving the world to really need you. Why do you think I called you _every fucking day_ when you were on the ring? It wasn’t like I thought you were listening, I mean sure at first, I hoped you’d get the radio up and running but I realised that if you did then _you’d_ call _me_. I just needed to be able to talk to you, even if you couldn’t hear me, even if you couldn’t talk back. I just… needed you.”

“Clarke, I’m so sorry,” Clarke could see Bellamy’s heart breaking but she was too angry to care.

“You keep saying that! It doesn’t matter how sorry you are, you still left!” Bellamy could see Clarke getting upset again, just like before. He quickly rushed over to her, holding her and stroking her hair in an effort to calm her down. He began to recite Raven’s mantra and he could feel her relaxing at first, but she fought it. “No! You don’t get to just waltz back in and make me feel this way about you again! You hurt me, Bellamy, ok? And I’m allowed to be mad! That doesn’t make me a basket case!”

“No, no it doesn’t,” he still held her, “and yes, you have every right to be mad at me – hell, I’m mad at me too – but Clarke, look at me,” she tilted her head back to look him in the eyes, “I promise, I will never, ever hurt you again.”

“Don’t say that, you know it’s not true.” She looked at him cold.

“What?”

“That’s just what we do, Bellamy. We hurt each other.” With that she stormed off into her room, slamming the door behind her. Bellamy just stood there, not knowing what to do, does he follow her? Does he get Raven? Madi? Abby? Does he just leave her alone? No, whatever he did, he would never leave her alone again. He decided to follow her in.

“Clarke,” Bellamy knocked gently at the door, “can I please come in?”

“What!” she cried, swinging the door open.

“Please,” he begged, “just tell me what I can do to make it up to you.”

“There’s nothing you can do now. It’s done, Bellamy. You left, there’s no taking that back.”

“Ok, well tell me what do I need to do? To earn your trust back? To show you I l-” he cut himself off before he could finish. Clarke looked up, knowing what he was going to say. She looked back at him, I love you too, she thought. But she didn’t dare say it. No, she was still mad at him. Why was she mad at him? Because he left her? How many times had she left him behind? _Deep down_ , she heard a voice, _you know why_ , the voice said. _It’s not just because he left you, it’s because he left you for her_. For Echo.

“Just…” Clarke trailed off, “just help me out with the lab and don’t get in the way.” She didn’t dare look him in the eyes, if she did, she knew she’d say things that she would never be able to take back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i've already written drafts for the next few chapters so i'm looking for somewhere to fit in some more background on why echo and bellamy left in the first place, also maybe some flashbacks to when they were gone. what life was life, the moment she left/died, etc. so be on the look out. it probably won't be next chapter though as next chapter will begin to touch on how losing her main support system has affected clarke's mental and physical health.


	3. We Bleed The Same

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the princess has gone loopy, as murphy so poetically put it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok, some strongish themes here. in case you didn't read the notes at the end of that last chapter, this chapter is going to begin to address some of clarke's mental health issues - mainly her eating disorder. i say begin because although i haven't written anymore yet, a single 2000 word chapter is insufficient to address such a serious issue and do it justice so i will definitely talk about it more in the future - maybe through flashbacks, who knows - but for now here we are.  
> oh yeah, also hella fluff in this chapter. 
> 
> also the chapter title is from Where's My Love by SYML, if you're going to listen to it i recommend the alternate version. they're both really good but i personally prefer the alternate version (it makes me cry almost every time i listen to it)

Things had been good between Bellamy and Clarke, not great, but still good. And although just good isn’t exactly what he’d hoped for, he was happy with good for now, because he knew that good was just a stepping stone to other things. Although, he desperately wanted to explain to her why he had left but he just couldn’t find the right time. He woke up that morning, deciding to do it over breakfast. Walking out of his room, he saw Clarke in the lab, working away at her secret project. He wondered if she got any sleep last night, the bags under her eyes suggested not. “I’ll see you in the mess?” he called out to her, “I think we’re having pancakes today.”

“Not hungry, thanks.”

Bellamy sighed, knowing there was nothing he could do to convince her. When he got to the mess hall, he pulled Raven aside.

“I’m worried about Clarke,” he told her.

“What’s new?” she rolled her eyes, beginning to walk away.

“I’m serious, Raven,” he insisted, grabbing her arm.

“Listen, Bellamy. You leaving, it fucked her up, ok? She’s all kinds of fucked up now, and we just have to deal with it and do our best to help her, ok?”

“Ignoring her, letting her work herself to death – that’s helping her?!” he asked incredulously.

“She’s not going to work herself to death, relax.”

“She hasn’t slept or eaten in three days, Raven.”

“Look, we have a system, ok. If she’s on day three then just wait a couple hours, alright?”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“You’ll see.”

\---

Sure enough, two hours later he went with Madi and Raven to check on Clarke and there she was – passed out over her work bench, face in a petri dish. Bellamy immediately ran over to her, gently lifting her. Even unconscious, she seemed to curl into Bellamy.

“What do we do?” Bellamy asked, panicked.

“Pop her down on her bed, I’ll call Abby to bring the IV drip.” Madi instructed. Bellamy did so, gently laying Clarke down on her bed and tucking a loose strand of hair behind her ear. Madi saw the gesture, “I usually stay with her, but I think she’d probably like to see you when she wakes up.”

“Madi, are you sure?” Bellamy asked, still not looking away from Clarke.

“I’m sure.”

“When will she wake up?” He asked as Abby wheeled in an IV drip and put it in Clarke’s arm, “wait, what’s in that?”

“It’s vital nutrients her body is lacking,” Abby told him defensively.

“It’s what’s given to patients with eating disorders, like anorexia nervosa,” Raven told him softly.

“But she doesn’t have an eating disorder, does she?” Bellamy asked, still panicking.

“We haven’t exactly diagnosed her, but she _is_ refusing to eat, and it _is_ making her sick.” Abby told Bellamy, almost accusatorily.

His heart dropped, “I’m so sorry,” he whispered, stroking Clarke’s hair. Abby finished up and the rest of the group walked out of the room – Abby reluctantly – leaving him with Clarke.

Bellamy sat on the edge of Clarke’s bed, pain all over his face. “I did this to you,” his voice broke. “I know you’re sick of me saying it, but I am so damn sorry, I wish I could go back and fix everything, I wish I could go back and just never leave you.” He laughed stiffly, “just tell Echo to go get stuffed.”

Clarke rolled over to face him, and Bellamy reached his hand, still stroking her hair, tears making their way slowly down his face.

“I was too much of a coward to say this before, Clarke, but I love you. I really do, I love you. I suppose I’m still a coward, since you’re not even awake to hear me say it,” Bellamy chuckled to himself again. “God, I love you. And I know you don’t want me to make promises I can’t keep but I promise I will never do anything to intentionally hurt you ever again.”

Hours passed and Bellamy started to nod off, he began to fall asleep but woke himself up again repeatedly. He looked at Clarke and contemplated curling in beside her – it wouldn’t have been the first time they’d shared a bed.

He remembered back when they camped out in the woods looking for Finn, it had been so cold that at some point in the night, she had crawled over and curled up next to him, he hadn’t minded at all, in fact he’d kind of been hoping she would. They’d both woken up the next morning before everyone else and had never spoken of it again, but every now and then, when it was really cold or if they were just really lonely, one of them would get out of bed and crawl in next to the other, it was never spoken about, never mentioned, it was just something they did.

After fighting off sleep for as long as he could, Bellamy lay down next to Clarke, his body just naturally curving against hers, as it always had, and he fell asleep.

Clarke woke up nearly twenty-four hours after she had initially passed out, it took her a moment to register that it wasn’t Madi she was lying next to, but Bellamy. Her head was lying on his chest and her arms were wrapped around his torso. He lay, quietly snoring, with his head resting on hers and their legs intertwined.

Usually when Clarke woke up, she just went back to work, but as she went to get up, something in Clarke protested. She didn’t want to get up, she just wanted to lie here with Bellamy, for as long as possible. So, she nestled back into his chest and fell back to sleep. Clarke was distantly aware of the door opening as she drifted, with Madi’s face peering in, then sneaking back out, but she was too at peace to care.

When she finally woke again, Clarke saw Raven sitting on a chair in the corner, idly talking to Shaw on a walkie-talkie through the private channel they had discovered.

“Oh, I gotta go, she’s waking up.” Raven and Shaw exchanged quick goodbyes before she slid the walkie-talkie into her tool belt. Clarke gave a small groan at the burst of lighting coming in from the open curtains. “Busted,” Raven smirked at her. It wasn’t until she said that Clarke was made aware of Bellamy behind her, his body flush against hers, his arms curled around her waist, her hands on his arms.

“Bellamy,” she called back softly. He stirred, rubbing his face against the space between her neck and shoulder, she visibly shivered as his lips graze over her skin. Raven watched the whole thing, still with the same smirk on her face.

As Bellamy finally woke, he looked up to see her and flinched, his arms retracting from their position around Clarke’s waist, “God, Raven, look more like a serial killer next time,” he remarked sarcastically.

“Next time?” Raven jabbed playfully, “so this isn’t just a one-time thing then?”

Bellamy and Clarke looked puzzled before they caught on, they both began to protest vehemently.

“No, that’s not what this is.”

“There is no thing – one-time or otherwise.”

Raven grinned even wider, “whatever you say.” Clarke could tell she didn’t believe them, but she was too tired to care.

“I have work to do, and I have to change out of these musty clothes, so out – both of you,” Clarke declared, sitting up.

“Actually Clarke, I need to talk to you,” Bellamy began, also sitting up.

“Well it can wait until after work,” she told him, standing up.

“You mean in three days’ time after we find you passed out over your bench again?”

“You told him?” Clarke turned to Raven accusatorily.

“I had to,” she raised her hands in surrender, “he wouldn’t stop nagging.”

“Clarke, this isn’t healthy to sustain,” Bellamy pleaded, “can we just talk about this.”

“He’s right, Clarke. We let it go because we just thought you missed Bellamy but he’s back and you’re still not better.” Raven sided with Bellamy.

“Oh, so it was totally fine when you thought I was just hung up over a guy, but now that you think it’s something serious you want to help?” Clarke snapped. Bellamy placed a reassuring hand on her arm, but she jerked away. “I’m fine, Raven. We’ve been doing it this way for two years, why change now?”

“Because you’re getting sick, Clarke,” Bellamy cut in.

Clarke looked affronted, “is this true?” she turned back to Raven.

“Yes… your last blood tests showed signs of anaemia,” Raven admitted, “and you’re passing out every three days which isn’t exactly a sign of good health-” she tried to continue but Clarke cut her off.

“I pass out because I get frustrated because nothing’s working and we’re getting nowhere and as for the anaemia – we’re on an entirely new planet, we don’t know what the environment here is doing to our bodies in the long term, yet another thing we have made no progress on here, so yeah, sometimes I skip a meal or two, or maybe sometimes I snap at people because I’m frustrated, Raven! Frustrated at our lack of progress, at the fact that everyone still seems to look to me for answers that I don’t have, frustrated that I have a fifteen-year-old commander that I have to look after but she doesn’t even want me to!” she began to break down again, “so, yeah, sometimes I yell, sometimes I cry, that doesn’t make me crazy!”

“No, you’re not crazy, Clarke, you’re just sick.” Raven told her firmly. “You pass out because you refuse to sleep, you’re anaemic because you refuse to eat, you snap at people because you’re tired and hungry. We’re not making any progress with our research because you’re too tired and hungry to even think straight. Madi doesn’t want you, as you put it, because you push her away every chance you get.” Clarke was sobbing by this point and Raven walked up to her, hugging her, “I know, I know it’s harsh, but you need to hear this, Clarke. You’re sick, you’re sick and you need help. And deep down you know I’m right.”

Bellamy stood, he couldn’t help but feel responsible for everything that was happening to Clarke, “this is my fault, I know it is, and I’ll make it right.”

“No, Bellamy,” Raven turned to him, “Clarke’s right. If you take responsibility for this, you’re practically reducing her to a heart-broken little girl who’s just hung up on a guy who doesn’t want her back. Clarke is a warrior – a leader – who has seen some bad shit, and it’s caught up to her.”

Clarke sniffled, “she’s right, Bellamy. It’s not your fault, I have to face the consequences of the choices I made when we were on Earth. I was hoping to leave all that behind but clearly it doesn’t want to leave me behind.” They all stood in solemn silence before Clarke suddenly wiped away her tears and forced a smile, “I’m going to get dressed and then we’ll all eat lunch in the mess hall, ok?” Both Bellamy and Raven walked outside.

Bellamy leaned his head against the wall, unsure of what he could do to help Clarke, feeling as useless as he’d ever felt in his whole life. As if she could read his thoughts, Raven told him reassuringly, “there’s nothing more we can do for Clarke now, she has to help herself.” Bellamy nodded, he knew Raven was right, he just wished she wasn’t.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> whew! thanks for reading you guys! next chapter will be a little more angst but a little lighter though.  
> please let me know in the comments what you thought about how i began to touch on clarke's ed? thanks xx


	4. Save Your Tears

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Raven has elected herself cupid and tries to push our favs closer together - somewhat unsuccessfully (but also maybe somewhat not?)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter is mainly angsty flashbacks to the few days after Raven caught our lovebirds canoodling. with some fluff in between
> 
> this title is from Go To Sleep by Loïc Nottet (he's a belgian singer, y'all should go listen to him his music is _amazing_ )

It had been two weeks since Clarke’s last breakdown, she wasn’t passing out at her bench anymore, she was eating breakfast, lunch and dinner with them in the mess hall, she was sleeping, even managing to tell Murphy to “fuck off” when he got snarky about her sudden re-joining of the group. It had been a while since Clarke and Bellamy had really talked – excluding passing comments in the hallway and idle chat about the weather – but Bellamy felt genuinely happy, Clarke was happy, and that was all he cared about.

\---

 _Crack_ , the thunder and lightning outside Bellamy’s window wouldn’t let him sleep. He was tossing and turning, when Clarke appeared in his doorway.

“Bellamy,” she called softly, trying her best not to wake him just in case he really was asleep. He said nothing, simply pulling the covers back next to him. Clarke walked from the doorway and slid in, wordlessly.

“Can’t sleep, Princess?” he joked quietly, his forehead against the nape of her neck, sliding his arms around her waist.

“Madi’s out there,” she whispered, “with a hunting party. And I know she’s the commander and everything but I just – I just worry about her.”

“She’s lucky to have you, you know.” Bellamy reached up and began to stroke her hair, a reassuring gesture he’d done for her since before he could even remember. “She’ll be fine, like you said – she’s the commander – and besides; she’s Madi. She’s strong.”

“Stronger than I’ll ever be,” Clarke agreed.

“Stronger than _any_ of us could ever hope to be.” Clarke laughed softly. “What?”

“Nothing, it just occurred to me that you’re totally right.”

“C’mon, Princess, I’m always right,” Bellamy smirked, and Clarke laughed again, louder this time. “Hey!” he protested.

As her laughter died down, she stopped as if in thought, before turning around to face him, “do you think it’s weird? That we do this?”

“What do you mean?”

“It’s just- I don’t know, I guess Raven just kinda got into my head.”

“Did Raven say anything to you? After that time she saw us…” he trailed off, he wasn’t exactly sure what to call this ritual that they did. Platonic cuddling? Is it really platonic when you have feelings for the other person? Of course it is, whatever mixed-up feelings Bellamy had for Clarke, she would never feel the same, so it had to stay platonic, always.

“No,” she lied, snapping Bellamy out of his thoughts, “she didn’t say anything else.” She thought back to when Raven cornered her in the lab.

 

_“Hey!” she called out as Clarke walked into the lab. Shit¸ Clarke thought, she’d been avoiding Raven ever since she walked in on her and Bellamy._

_“Um, hey,” Clarke called back nonchalantly, doing her best to hide her panic._

_“Can we talk?”_

_“What about?” she asked casually, playing dumb._

_“C’mon, Clarke. You know.” Clarke did know, she just really didn’t want to talk to anyone about it – especially Raven. She was such a romantic ever since her and Shaw had gotten together, and it had begun to get on Clarke’s nerves._

_“Fine then, talk.” As much as she hated it, Clarke knew the only way out of this was through it._

_“You and Bellamy, what’s going on?” That’s what Clarke liked about Raven, she was straight-to-the-point, no beating around the bush with her._

_“Nothing’s going on.” Just because Clarke admired that about Raven didn’t mean she shared the trait._

_“I saw you guys the other day, you looked happier than you’ve looked since we landed on this damn planet.”_

_“Bellamy’s my friend, he was just comforting me.”_

_“Clarke, you can’t keep lying to him – or yourself for that matter. You have feelings for him, and I think if he’s being honest, he has feelings for you too.”_

_Clarke knew she had feelings for Bellamy – she hated to admit it, but she did – she didn’t know how long exactly she’d known, but it had been a while. But Bellamy having feelings for her –that was impossible._

_Raven noticed the surprise in Clarke’s expression, “don’t tell me you didn’t know. God, Clarke, you’re so damn smart and perceptive yet you still can see what’s right in front of you.”_

_What the hell was Raven talking about?_

_Clarke swore sometimes that Raven was a mind reader. “You know what I’m talking about, Clarke,” Raven persisted, “everyone can see it. Why can’t you?”_

_“See what?”_

_“See how much he loves you. We can see it in the way he looks at you when you’re not watching, like you’re one of his organs and if you go too far away, he’ll just die, like you’re the only thing in the world worth looking at. See it in the way that his face pales anytime he thinks you’re hurt. In the way that when you are hurt, nothing in the world matters to him except you.”_

_“Ok, well how do you know I feel the same way?”_

_“Because you’re exactly the same, Clarke!” Raven cries exasperatedly. “God, you should’ve seen your face when Bellamy walked through the lab doors! Like you hadn’t been able to breathe for three years!”_

_“We’ve been through a lot together, Raven. I trust him, and yeah – I need him. But that doesn’t mean I’m in love with him.”_

_“Oh my god, Clarke. Stop lying. Stop lying to me, stop lying to him, but mostly just stop lying to yourself!”_

_“Even if all of that is true,” Clarke pivoted, “– which is a big if – I wouldn’t want to ruin everything we have now if things didn’t end well between us.”_

_“For Christ’s sake, Clarke! Do you hear yourself? If all this is true – which it is – you wouldn’t ruin anything! Things would just be so much better!”_

_“How do you know that?!”_

_“Because I know you, Clarke! And I know Bellamy! Please, Clarke, just liste-”_

_“No, Raven! Just drop it, please!”_

 

“Are you sure?” Bellamy asked.

“Yeah,” _oh god_ , Clarke thought, _what if he heard her and Raven, what if he knows_.

“Ok,” is all he said though, and so she turned back around to face the doorway.

“Did she say anything to you?”

Bellamy thought back to the days after he had woken up to Raven just watching him and Clarke.

_“Hey, loser,” she called from across the mess hall, striding over to him._

_Oh god, he thought. He’d sort of been doing a Clarke and avoiding Raven. “Hey, dork.”_

_“You look well rested,” she smirked. He knew what she really meant._

_“Thanks.”_

_“Come sit,” she gestured to the delinquents table, the only other people there were Murphy and Madi._

_“Ok…” he followed her reluctantly. Sitting opposite the three, he felt like he was in an interrogation. He was right._

_“So,” Madi began, looking for the right words to say._

_“Are you and Clarke banging?” Murphy asked bluntly. He continued, “If not, please bang. Your sexual tension makes me feel queasy when I’m trying to eat.”_

_Bellamy’s mouth hung open like a fish._

_“Jesus Christ, so much for tact, Murphy,” Raven rolled her eyes though. “His question still stands though. Are you and Clarke… together?”_

_“What? No of course not, Raven?”_

_“But that time you two were in bed together,” Madi protested._

_“You told them?” Bellamy looked at Raven exasperatedly._

_“Uh, yeah. Of course I did. But Madi knew because she had already walked in on you before I did but she had the decency to leave you two lovebirds be.”_

_“Listen, I’m all for you two being together, I really am. But would you just tone it down a little, especially when people are trying to eat, dude. I mean seriously, how’s a man supposed to enjoy his damn eggs.”_

_“Murphy, I told you we aren’t together.”_

_“Yeah and we get it,” Raven sighed, “their eye-fucking is interrupting your breakfast, join the club.”_

_“But my eggs!” Murphy cried._

_“You know those aren’t even real eggs, they’re scrambled egg powder.” Madi scoffed._

_Murphy rolled his eyes, slumping in his chair._

_“Ok, well I’m going to leave you three to sort this out,” Bellamy got up to leave, Raven’s hand jutted out, grabbing his arm and yanking him back to his seat. She was surprisingly strong._

_“Look, even if you’re not together right now, we all know you have feelings for each other. In case Murphy hadn’t pointed it out already, it’s kind of obvious.”_

_“Yeah, can you just put us all out of our misery and fuck it out or something, because again – and I cannot stress this enough – my eggs.”_

_“Jesus fucking Christ, Murphy!” Raven cried exasperatedly. “What is it with you and those damn eggs!”_

_“They’re the only thing that bring me joy!”_

_Madi shook her head in exasperation, turning back to Bellamy, “the point is, we know you love Clarke and we know she loves you, no one really knows how it’s gone this long with nothing happening between you two but it’s about damn time something did.”_

_“You don’t know anything about it, Madi – none of you do – so just stay out of it.” And with that, he walked off._

 

He shook his head, trying his best to erase the memory of that whole encounter. “I’m super tired,” he told her, “let’s just go to sleep.” Clarke could feel his hot breath on the back of her neck, it made her shiver all over. “Are you ok?” Bellamy asked, pulling her in closer.

“Yeah,” she whispered back, “just cold.” He pulled her in even tighter, resting his head back in the space between her neck and her shoulder that he so loved.

When he woke up the next morning, she was already gone which – to be fair – was typical. He wished she’d stayed though, he really just wanted to see her. Striding tiredly into the mess hall, Bellamy spotted Clarke in a heated argument with Raven. He walked up to them, catching the last of it.

“I asked you to drop it, Raven,” Clarke told her between gritted teeth.

“I can’t let you keep lying to him and to yourself, Clarke.”

“I’m not lying to anyone.”

“Yes, you are. I know you think it’ll ruin things but I promis- Hey, Bellamy!” Raven called out, suddenly overly cheery.

Clarke looked back in fear, before turning back to Raven and grimacing, “would you come help me with something in the lab, _Raven_.” She weighted her name very heavily, indicating that she was not playing around.

Raven wasn’t backing down though, “I think I’m going to finish my cereal first actually; I’ll see you in there though.”

Clarke sighed in resignation, “it’s fine, I’ll wait here.”

“Hey, Clarke,” Bellamy said tentatively, sitting next to her, “you left this morning before I woke up, I thought we were going to walk to breakfast together.”

Raven gave Clarke a look, Clarke replied by shooting daggers at her. As Clarke surveyed the mess hall out of boredom, Bellamy couldn’t help but watch her out of the corner of his eye – she was beautiful as always. One day he’d be able to tell her, he thought to himself, how fucking beautiful she is.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok so this chapter was hella short so i'm gonna upload ch5 p soon


	5. Nothing Has To Change Today

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> bellarke have a ~ _moment_ ~ but where does that leave them now?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oof, finally some actual plot
> 
> this chapter's title is from i love you by Billie Eilish. i know it doesn't entirely fit for this chapter but i've been wanting to use this song for a chapter title for a while so i'll probably get to a chapter later that suits it perfectly and ill wish i hadnt used it here but oh well.

“Hey, Clarke,” Bellamy grabbed her arm, pulling her into a small room off the corridor, “is everything ok?”

“Yeah,” she lied, not meeting his eyes, “everything’s fine.”

“Are we ok?” he asked her.

“Of course we are,” another lie. _No, we’re not ok_ ¸ she wanted to tell him, _we’re not ok because I’m not ok, because I’m in love with my best friend._ “We’re fine, Bellamy,” is all she said though.

“Are you sure? You were pretty frosty this morning in the mess hall.”

“That was just a little… disagreement with Raven on how to handle something.”

“Well maybe I can help you settle it? What’s the issue?”

“No, it’s nothing, it’s fine. You and me are good though.”

“Promise?”

She looked away at the ground again, “promise.”

\---

Clarke was distracted for the rest of the day, making careless mistakes, her mind too focused on Bellamy to concentrate on anything else. “I’m such a fucking cliché,” she whispered to herself as she dropped her sixth beaker of the day.

“Why don’t you take a break, Clarke?” Bellamy suggested, standing in the doorway, “I could use some help setting up the guard posts for next week’s eclipse.”

“I’ve told you, Bellamy. I don’t get involved with guard or leadership stuff anymore. I’m a researcher now.”

“C’mon, you don’t even have to talk to anyone else, just help me out with this.”

“Clarke, just go,” Raven begged, “if you break one more beaker, I might have to have you floated for wilful destruction of government property,” she joked.

“Har har,” Clarke replied dryly. “Alright, I’m coming,” she told Bellamy and he beamed, they headed off to one of the tactical planning rooms.

“Ok, so obviously we can’t have any of our people out there, but I hear Raven and Shaw have been working on getting recovered A.L.I.E. drones operational?”

“Uh, yeah I think so.” Clarke hadn’t heard anything about drones.

“Ok well can you ask Raven when she thinks she’ll have them running and how many. In the meantime, I think we should hope for about ten to fifteen and position one on each corner, and then one every 50 metres along the fence, any remaining ones should be deployed for outside camp surveillance.”

“Why did you ask me here?” Clarke turned to Bellamy, “you clearly don’t need me, you’ve got everything figured out already.”

“Clarke-”

“I’ve already got Raven and my mom babysitting me, I don’t need you doing it too.”

“I’m not babysitting you, Clarke, I swear. I just- I just wanted to spend some time with you, ok?”

Clarke stopped dead, “you just wanted to spend time with me?”

“Yeah, you’ve been so distant lately, I just thought we could work on this together, just you and me, like the old days,” he gave her that smirk that threw Clarke for a spin every time she saw it.

“If we’re going to do it like the old days, does that mean you’re going to go back to being a condescending ass?” she smirked back.

“No, I think I’ve had the ass part covered these past few years.”

“You got that right.”

The pair shared a look before bursting into laughter. Clarke sighed, resting her head on Bellamy’s chest as their laughter died down, he subconsciously ran his fingers through her hair.

“Have I ever told you how much I love your hair?” he asked absent-mindedly, not quite realising he was talking aloud.

Clarke genuinely thought about it for a moment. “No, I don’t think you have.”

“Well I do,” he continued stroking her short hair, missing her long waves.

 _Have I ever told you how much I love you?_ Clarke wanted to say, desperately. She knew she loved him, as much as she doesn’t want to, she loved him. Clarke looked up at Bellamy, into those big brown eyes that she had always felt she could just melt into if she stared long enough. They stood like that for a while, toe-to-toe, chest-to-chest, staring into each other’s eyes for what felt like an eternity. Bellamy began to slowly lean down, bridging the gap between Clarke’s face and his, still not really sure what he was doing. They were millimetres away, Clarke’s exhale was Bellamy’s inhale.

“Oh, shit, sorry!” Miller exclaimed as he barged into the tiny room, aware that he had just interrupted what was clearly a moment.

Clarke quickly shoved Bellamy away from her instinctively, “it’s fine! We were just going over the guard postings for this month’s eclipse.”

“Ok…” Miller replied, clearly not buying their shit, “I just wanted to tell you that Raven said she wants to see you, apparently she made some sort of a breakthrough with your research?”

“Oh my god!” Clarke exclaimed, “you’re kidding, right?”

“No, that’s what Raven said.”

Clarke immediately ran out of the room and into the hallway, practically pushing people out of her way to get to the lab, all thoughts of Bellamy and what had almost happened gone from her head – for the time-being.

“Clarke, I’m so glad you’re here!” Raven squealed.

“Miller says there was a breakthrough?!” Clarke squealed even louder.

“I’ve got it, Clarke!” She cried, “I’ve fucking got it!” The girls both yelled in unison, running to hug each other. They collided, Raven almost flooring Clarke, and continued to scream and jump.

“I can’t believe you fucking got it, after all this time!”

“I know! And it was all because of Bellamy!” 

“Bellamy?” Clarke pulled away from their hug, confused. “You told Bellamy what we were doing?”

“No idiot, he gave me a sample of his blood and I played around with that serum you made from Madi’s blood and the artificial nightblood, and I _fucking got it_!”

“Oh my god! I can’t believe _we fucking did it_!”

“WE FUCKING DID IT!” Raven repeated, making every single person in the vicinity come running.

No one really knew what the secret project Raven and Clarke had been working for two and a half years was – there were rumours, of course – but they all knew that what ever it was was extremely important and life-saving research. Naturally, their wide-spread announcement called for celebration.

News spread like wildfire and soon every single person in the camp had clocked off and was in the mess hall, which had been converted into a makeshift bar. Clarke stood in the corner with a cup of Monty’s moonshine - there was only three barrels left and it was only allowed to be drunk by certain people. She watched as everyone celebrated this win, all eager to finally hear what the big project was. Spotting Bellamy, Clarke waved him over and soon the pair began chatting, Clarke had still forgotten and what had – and hadn’t – happened in the tactical room. Bellamy had definitively not.

“Hey there, Princess,” Bellamy called, nervously, “why so glum?”

“I’m not glum!” she replied indignantly, screwing her face which made Bellamy laugh. “I just wish Madi were here,” she sighed.

“I know, but she’ll be home soon, right?”

“She was supposed to be home today.” Bellamy gave Clarke a knowing look, hunting parties were late home all the time – especially if they had a big catch with them – but it didn’t stop loved ones from worrying.

“She’ll be home soon,” he reassured her. She smiled, wrapping her arms around him and hugging him tight. Bellamy changed the topic, not allowing his thoughts to go there with Clarke right now, “so now that you’ve cracked it, can you tell me what all your secret research was all about?”

Clarke pulled away from Bellamy to make her big announcement, “ok, you might have to fix your drone chart for the eclipse, though,” Clarke warned, smiling. “We found a cure for the psychosis!”

Bellamy was too stunned to talk at first, when he finally did, he couldn’t even form a coherent sentence, “you…wait…eclipse…how?”

“And it was all thanks to you!”

“Me?”

“Yeah, that sample Raven took.”

“Oh, right,” Bellamy still wasn’t quite sure how allowing Raven to take a small sample of his blood equated to curing the entire camp of the psychosis.

“Ok well you remember how it doesn’t affect Madi?”

“Yeah.”

“And remember when my mom took a sample of your blood years ago, she noted how you had an abnormal amount of some chemical usually never present in humans?”

“Yeah, your mom told me I had monkey blood, that’s kinda hard to forget.”

“Not _monkey_ blood, idiot – but that’s besides the point. Well, Raven tested the blood of a girl who had trace amounts of that chemical in her blood with some old serum I had developed from Madi’s blood that hadn’t worked because it didn’t have an activator – well she noticed a small reaction, the girl’s DNA fought the psychosis-”

“Wait how did you test this whole psychosis resistance theory? Did you just strap the poor girl to a pole outside during the eclipse and wait to see if she went loopy?”

“No! Raven and I were able to pinpoint the chemical changes in the environment that we believe cause the psychosis, anyway, Raven applied that to the girl’s DNA – plus the serum – and she saw that her genes fought the psychosis, but eventually lost, becoming malignant. But then she tried it with your DNA and your cells fought the psychosis, and they won, Bellamy, they won!”

“So, what you’re saying is: my weird monkey blood just saved everyone?”

“Yes, Bell,” Clarke sighed, “your weird monkey blood saved everyone!”

Bellamy would later realise, while he lay in bed at night, that Clarke had called him Bell. He’d always called her Princess, but she never really got into the nickname thing. He would spend the next three hours tossing and turning, wondering what this meant.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> phew! what a rollercoaster kids.  
> next chapter is gonna be a whopper so it might be a little while until i post but i promise it'll be worth it!


	6. The Reminiscing Holds Me Back

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> one (very eventful) day, told first from Bellamy's perspective, then Clarke's.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> woo, she's a biggun! we got fluff, we got backstory of why becho left, we got angst, we got drunk clarke, we maybe got a love confession? who knows.
> 
> also i just wanna say i really drag echo in this chapter (no, really, she's fucking awful here) but i don't actually feel that way about echo in the show, she just kinda turned into this big villain in this fic - but in reality, she's kinda starting to grow on me. anyway, point is: echo in this fic = big bad wolf, general bitch, seriously fuck her. echo in the actual show = seems such a sweetie when you actually get to know her, deserves an actual storyline rather than just that bitch who works for roan/bellamy's love interest/possible bellarke plot device. 
> 
> also also get ready for a little bit of not-a-total-asshole murphy!
> 
> p.s. it is highkey 2:30am in melb rn and i highkey cannot be fucked editing, i just really wanna share this with yall now so plz excuse any typos xx  
> update: i edited. im so sorry to all yall who had to read this mess pre-edit
> 
> this chapter's title is from Resolution by SAFIA

He yawned, stumbling out of his room and into the mess hall in search of coffee. He found it, sitting down at the nearest table. It wasn’t until he’d taken his first few sips that Bellamy realised the mess hall was actually practically empty. He checked his watch and saw that it was only 5:30 am.

“Shit,” he whispered to himself. He considered going back to bed but it was too late, he’d already had caffeine. He stumbled out of the mess hall, walking down the long and quiet corridors. It was peaceful and unnerving at the same time for the camp to be this empty. Except for the guards on duty, he seemed to be the only person awake. As he continued to walk, his mind wandered; to his upcoming psych eval, to his sister who refused to even look at him let alone speak to him, to Clarke and the events that had – almost – conspired in the tactical room. Whatever he thought about the past few days, his mind had always circled back to that. It had been a full three days since Raven and Clarke had discovered a cure for the psychosis and they were furiously working on a way to quickly mass produce and distribute it before this month’s upcoming eclipse, which meant he’d had no time to talk to her.

“You’re up early,” her soft voice snapped him out of his thoughts. It was rare she was this quiet, she sounded almost peaceful.

“Could say the same about you,” he smiled back, watching the way her hair glowed golden in the light.

“I like watching the suns rise. It’s one of the rare moments of peace I’ve been able to steal these last few years.”

Her words were an unintentional stab in his gut, reminding him of how he’d abandoned her – effectively taking away her peace.

“Whatcha thinking about?” Her big blue eyes bore into his skull.

“Hmm?”

“You have that look on your face. When you’re deep in thought, the lines on your forehead crease. Here,” she indicated, running a gentle finger over the lines. It took every ounce of his energy to suppress the shiver that came over him at her soft caress.

“Oh,” he cleared his throat, “um, just thinking, I guess.”

She laughed.

“What’s so funny, Princess?” he smirked.

“I know when you’re lying, Bellamy Blake.” She raised her eyebrows at him accusatorially. “Why can’t you tell me?”

 _Because I was thinking about you_. It’s what he wanted to tell her. Instead he said, “there’s nothing to tell. Just daydreaming.” Technically not a lie.

She gave him a look, like she believed him, but she still knew he was hiding something – god, how could she always see right through him? “Ok,” she finally said, though.

A shrill bell rang once, startling Bellamy. The wake-up call, telling everyone to get up and start doing their jobs. “I should probably go,” they both said. They laughed as they walked off in opposite directions.

It was now 6am, his psych eval wasn’t for another three hours, but he had nothing better to do. So he made his way over to the medbay and offered his services to Nylah, she mainly had him bring her supplies and push around heavy medical carts but it kept him busy and that was all he cared about. When the time finally came and Abby called him aside, he began to sweat. He wasn’t quite sure why he was so nervous.

“Morning, Bellamy,” Abby smiled kindly, it was a smile Clarke had told him about, something she called her ‘politician’s smile’.

“Morning,” he offered weakly.

“How are you feeling?”

 _Here we go_ , he thought. “Not too bad, you?”

She gave a small laugh, “I’m great, thanks for asking,” she answered sincerely.

“So what do we do here? Do you just ask me questions and I answer?”

“Well, why don’t we start by you telling me what happened exactly that lead to you and Echo leaving?”

“It’s a bit of a long story,” he warned.

“I have time,” she insisted.

His mind went back to the week after they had just arrived on Sanctum, he and Octavia were sparring.

_“Huh!” she landed a quick blow to his gut, momentarily knocking the wind out of him. She took this opportunity to kick his feet out from under him, then she was on top of him in an instant, pinning him to the ground._

_“Ok, O! I give up!” he pat her arm in surrender. She grinned widely, undoubtedly about to say something snarky in return about six years in space turning him soft, when her face dropped._

_“What are you doing here?” she snarled. Bellamy whirled his head around to see Echo standing in the doorway._

_“I need to borrow Bellamy,” she smiled back fakely. Octavia slumped off him, anger coursing through her veins._

_“Hey,” he gave Echo a quick peck, “what is it?”_

_“Can we speak in private?” she glanced to Octavia who prickled._

_“Anything you have to say to Bellamy, you can say to me.”_

_“O, it’s alright, just go,” he warned. She huffed grumpily as she pushed past Echo._

_“What is it?” he asked again, more urgent this time._

_“That. That is exactly what I need to talk to you about,” Echo gestured to the hallway Octavia had just stomped down angrily._

_“I still don’t understand.”_

_“Your sister hates me, Bellamy.” She sighed, “and it’s not just Octavia – it’s everyone. The only people who can even look me in the eye are you, Raven, Murphy and Emori.”_

_“Listen, the rest of them, it’ll take some time, but they’ll warm up to you.”_

_“No, they won’t.”_

_“Clarke-” he began but she cut him off_

_“Still hates me for everything I did when I was in service to Nia and Roan,” she finished._

_“Well, Madi-” she cut him off again._

_“Listens to whatever Clarke tells her.”_

_Bellamy sighed in frustration. “I know, I know it sucks, and I know you think they all hate you, but it just takes time. Believe me – I’ve gone through this, after I helped Pike massacre an entire grounder army and I got Lincoln killed. But I’ve atoned for my sins, I’ve acknowledged my past mistakes and vowed to never make them again.”_

_“And yet Octavia still hates you for it.” It was a low blow, his relationship with Octavia was on the mend but it was nowhere near what it used to be like. “Listen, Bellamy, they will never accept me as one of their own.”_

_“Echo-” he sighed again._

_“So, I’m going to leave,” she told him matter-of-factly, “and I want you to come with me.”_

_“I can’t,” he rubbed his temples, “and neither can you. We just got here, we don’t know what the hell is in those woods. Whether or not they like you, we need these people, Echo.”_

_“It’s not about like, Bellamy,” she said angrily, “some of the people here want me dead. So don’t think for a second that they would help us if we were in danger even if we stayed.”_

_“What? Echo, that’s ridiculous!”_

_“No, it’s not!”_

_“Why are you so paranoid? Did something happen? Did someone threaten you?”_

_Echo paused. “Yes,” she finally replied, “Octavia.” She broke down in a pile of what Bellamy would later find out were fake-sobs._

_He paled, “what? Are you sure?” She nodded. “Let me talk to her.”_

_She grabbed his arm before he could follow Octavia down the hall. “No! She told me if I told anyone – especially you – that she would string me up and hang me out the front of the camp as a warning of what happens to traitors.”_

_“That doesn’t sound like O,” his brows furrowed._

_“Maybe not the old Octavia, but six years is a long time.” Her words hit deep, they were the exact words Octavia had said to him after they had opened the bunker._

_He thought it over. “Ok, fine,” he conceded. “We leave tonight, tell no one.” She nodded again, wiping away her fake tears._

“She told me a year later that it was a lie,” he finished, “that’s when I saw her for what she was – a manipulative pathological liar.”

“But you stayed with her for another year, why?” Abby pursued.

“I don’t know. Mostly, I think I was just scared to come back, scared that you all wouldn’t want me back, that you were better off without me.”

“You mean that Clarke was better off without you?” she sighed knowingly.

He paused, before whispering, “yeah, mostly.”

She shook her head, “well, I can tell you she wasn’t.”

“I know that now,” he replied softly. Did she blame him for what happened to her daughter, he wondered?

“I don’t blame you, Bellamy, for what happened to Clarke,” she answered his thought, “you didn’t know she was struggling, none of us did.” She snapped herself out of her thoughts, “but this isn’t about Clarke, it’s about you, Bellamy. How are you doing, you know, after everything?”

“I don’t know, I guess I’m still sort of angry at myself.” The rest of the hour went on like that, Abby asking him questions and him responding with stories from many different times – at one point she asked him to pinpoint his earliest memory of feeling true fear and he told her about the first time the guards on the Ark had almost found Octavia. After it was all finished, Abby told him she would go over her notes and get back to him with her decision.

He wandered off, walking down the long hallway from medbay to the mess hall.

“There you are!” Clarke grinned as he walked over to the table.

“Hey,” he offered a weak smile in return.

“How did it go?” she asked quietly, as if giving him permission to ignore her question if he didn’t feel up to it.

“It was good to tell someone, I guess. Even if it was your mom.”

Clarke gave a small chuckle, “she may be overbearing and more than a little pushy, but she’s a really good listener.”

“Guess it runs in the family,” he agreed. She blushed, turning away. Over 130 years and she was still terrible at accepting compliments.

The rest of lunch went by in relative silence. Once they had both finished, Clarke was the first to speak.

“Are you busy? I could probably use some help in the lab.”

He hesitated, he wasn’t busy exactly but he also didn’t really want to spend the next three or four hours in a confined space with just him and Clarke, desperately trying not to think about the way her fingers brushed his as he handed her a petri dish or how her cheeks tensed when she tried her very best to hold in her cries of frustration. “I think I told Miller I’d help him train the Eligius crew.”

“Oh,” she looked disappointed. “No worries.” A pause. “I’ll catch you later then.”

“Catch you later,” he replied, getting up to leave.

The more he thought about it, helping out with training didn’t seem like the worst use of his time. He meandered over to the training room and sure enough, he found Miller and some grounders he didn’t recognise teaching the Eligius crew the basics.

“Need a hand?” He called from the doorway.

“Bellamy!” Miller bellowed happily. “I was just about to pick a sparring partner.”

“Look no further, then,” he grinned. Training was fun, but mostly uneventful. It kept his mind from wandering though, sparring with Miller demanded his full attention, leaving no time to think about Clarke or Octavia or anything else on his mind lately. After they finished, Bellamy made his way to the lab, deciding he should probably apologise for blowing Clarke off earlier. When he got there though, she was nowhere to be found. He looked around for a while before hearing an ungodly cacophony coming from her room.

She gasped loudly as she walked out. “Bellamy!” she cried excitedly, lifting her hands in the air.

“Hey, Clarke,” he swallowed hard, she was wearing nothing but a black bra and some criminally short shorts.

“I’m so glad you’re here,” she slurred, that was when he noted the bottle in her hand. As if on cue, she took a large swig, pausing like she was about to throw up for a second before letting out a large burp, followed by an eruption of giggles.

“Clarke,” he began tentatively, “how much have you had to drink tonight?”

“This much!” she declared proudly, showing him the almost empty glass bottle.

“You drank all of that?”

“Yep-” _hic_ “what did you say that time? I deserve fun?” she stopped as if she were having a conversation with herself in her head. “Yeah, that was it,” she nodded. “I’m having fun, Bellamy!”

“Clearly.” He had to find Raven; she would know what to do.

“Hey, youneedfuntoo. Come drink with me,” she made a sweeping gesture to her bedroom.

“I don’t think that’s a very good idea, Clarke,” he told her quietly.

“Boo! You’re no fun!” She stumbled a bit on her way over to him. “Oh my god, you have to try these!” she pulled a tin of what looked like crackers from god-knows-where.

“Where the hell did you get those from?” Things like crackers were a luxury and weren’t exactly sold at the food exchange.

“ _I stole them from the Chancellor’s stash_ ,” she whispered way too loudly, “ _shhhhhh_ ,” she pressed a finger to his lips before hiccupping and giggling again.

“Ok, I think it’s time you went to bed,” he told her, prying the bottle from her hands. She did her best to fight him, but it was no use – she was absolutely wasted.

“Nooooo,” she cried softly, desperately clutching after the bottle.

“C’mon,” he turned her around, putting his hands on her shoulders and motoring her back towards her bedroom.

“Yes, come get drunk with me,” she cried triumphantly.

“No, I’m putting you to bed, Clarke. You’re wasted.”

“Exactly, why aren’t you?”

He didn’t respond, just laughed. Once they got into her room, he searched around for some clothes for her to wear to bed. It wasn’t exactly winter – if this planet even had a winter – but it was definitely too cold to wear _that_ to bed. His eyes settled on a discarded t-shirt in the corner, it would have to do.

“Here,” he told her, handing her the top.

“No, I’m too hot, I just wanna sleep like this,” she whined.

“Clarke, it’s freezing you’ll wake up with a cold – or worse,” he protested.

“Nope, no clothes!”

“Clarke, please,” he begged.

She looked up into his big brown eyes, “fine, but only if you say it in the sexy voice.”

“The what?” he asked, bewildered. He knew he had a ‘sexy voice’, he just didn’t know Clarke recognised it – or cared.

“You know what I’m talking about,” she smiled knowingly at him.

He thought it over, “if I do it will you put the shirt on and go to sleep?”

“Yes, cross my heart, hope to die. Hey,” her face lit up like she’d just had a revelation, “that’s funny because I probably will die soon.”

“Oh my god, Clarke don’t say that,” Bellamy looked horrified.

“What? It’s true!” She laughed as if she knew a joke that he wasn’t in on.

“C’mon, would you just get into bed,” he sighed.

“Uh unh, I may be drunk but you’re not getting out of it that easily,” she told him, her voice as stern as she could manage in her state.

Bellamy rolled his eyes. Leaning down to whisper in her ear, he dropped his already low voice an octave, “put this top on, get into bed and go to sleep… Princess.”

She visibly shivered, practically drooling. She grabbed the top, still dazed and did exactly what Bellamy had asked. Once she was under the covers, Bellamy sat down next to her, but she was pretty much already asleep by this point. He tucked a strand of hair that was falling in her face behind her ear and stood up, deciding Clarke wasn’t the only one who could use a good rest.

“Good night, Bellamy,” she murmured as he got up.

“Good night, Princess,” he whispered, slipping out the door.

Once he got back to his own room, Bellamy lay in bed for hours, thinking about the events that had just conspired. Did Clarke find him attractive when she was drunk? Was it just when she was drunk? Or was she just better at hiding when she was sober? And if it was true, what did that mean? For him? For them? Whatever it meant, he knew the answer wouldn’t magically come to him as he lay in bed, overthinking. He would just have to man up and ask her tomorrow. He realised that this was the second night in a row he had lay in bed thinking about Clarke. If he were really being honest with himself though, he would’ve reminded himself that he thought about Clarke every night. He thought about her constantly. He’d just had an excuse the last two times.

 

\---earlier that morning---

 

She yawned and stretched as the suns came up behind the trees, she always loved watching the sunrise. She began to walk back down the hallway to see if she could sneak another hour or two of sleep when she saw him rounding the corner, completely oblivious to his surroundings – clearly lost in thought.

“You’re up early.” She hadn’t meant to startle him.

“Could say the same about you,” he smiled at her and her insides warmed.

“I like watching the suns rise,” she explained, “it’s one of the rare moments of peace I’ve been able to steal these last few years.” She hadn’t told anyone this, she didn’t know why she was telling Bellamy – yes she did, she reminded herself, but she pushed the thought out immediately. She looked to see that thoughtful, considering expression she’d become so familiar with. “Watcha thinking about?”

“Hmm?”

“You have that look on your face,” she began, trying to supress her smirk. “When you’re deep in thought, the lines on your forehead crease. Here.” Without thinking, she ran a finger over the lines. He visibly shivered underneath her touch and she withdrew her hand – _stupid, Clarke, he’s your friend, friends don’t do that_.

“Oh,” he cleared his throat, “um, just thinking, I guess.”

She laughed, he was so obvious.

“What’s so funny, Princess?” he smirked.

“I know when you’re lying, Bellamy Blake.” She raised her eyebrows at him accusatorily. “Why can’t you tell me?”

He didn’t answer, not really. “There’s nothing to tell. Just daydreaming.”

She gave him a look, she knew he was hiding something, but she also knew he would tell her when the time came. “Ok,” was all she said.

A shrill bell rang once, startling Clarke. She rolled her eyes, _so much for that extra sleep_. “I should probably go,” they both said. She laughed to herself as they both walked off in opposite directions.

Clarke yawned again as she walked into the training room.

“Morning,” Murphy called, overly cheerful.

“Who are you and what have you done with John Murphy?” she asked, mock-seriousness in her tone.

“Har har,” he rolled his eyes.

“There he is.” She grinned, and he gave her a playful shove.

“Alright, come on. We gonna do this or what?”

“Don’t say I didn’t warn you,” she winked. Before he even had time to plan his first move, Clarke struck out, getting him in the gut. She followed with a swift kick to his side and he doubled over.

“Don’t go easy on me, now,” he groaned, and she laughed. He saw an opening, launching at her legs and knocking her clean off her feet. Before he could revel in his victory, though, she flipped them both over, pinning him on the ground.

“Wouldn’t dream of it.”

His left arm snaked out and he weakly tapped the ground twice. She let him go, sliding off his back with a triumphant _humph_. She was about to open her mouth and say something when he caught her off guard by jumping up and pinning her back.

He held up his right hand, showing his crossed fingers. “Gotcha.”

“No fair!” Her cries were slightly muffled. “Rematch!” He stood up and offered her hand, she took it, shaking her head. “Honestly,” her voice was breathy and strained. “Morals of a pirate.”

“You know it.” She shook her head again as Miller walked in.

“Having fun, are you?” he asked, a rueful smile on his face.

“Just kicking Clarke’s ass,” Murphy grinned.

“More like cheating,” she grumbled which only made him grin wider.

Miller laughed before launching into trainer mode. “Ok, we got about,” he checked his watch, “twenty minutes until the first group arrives.”

“Enough time for our rematch, then,” Clarke remarked, “with Miller as referee, of course.”

“Nothing would make me happier,” Murphy agreed. “But why don’t we make it interesting?”

“What did you have in mind?”

“I hear you and Raven are having a little squabble over what to do about a certain someone.”

Clarke paled, “I don’t know what you mean.”

“Oh, come on, you know who it is! About yay high,” he stuck out his hand before listing off more traits, “dark and curly hair, always has a smug expression on his face," he paused, grinning, "deeply in love with you.”

“Shut up, Murphy,” she ground out, “you don’t know _what_ you’re talking about.”

“Listen,” he held his hands up in surrender, “I just want to help you.” At her disbelieving look, he added, “really, I do.”

“Oh right, Murphy the Cockroach – always doing what he can to help out.”

“Ok fine, maybe I’m doing it for me, too.” She looked even more puzzled at that. “What? You actually think it’s enjoyable watching you two walk around like a couple of sexually-frustrated, obliviously-in-love, cranky _babies_.”

“Wow.” Clarke just shook her head.

“Here’s what we’ll do: if you win, we don’t have to talk about this ever again. But if I win, you have to answer at least one question honestly, ok?”

“I’m not agreeing to that,” she raised her eyebrows indignantly.

“C’mon, Clarke,” Miller – who had been silently watching their exchange – piped up, “just accept the deal and get it over with.”

She sighed in resignation. “Fine, if you win – which you won’t – I will answer one question completely honestly, but I reserve the right to reject any question and make you pick another.”

He thought for a moment. “Deal,” he said finally, sticking his hand out, she took it begrudgingly. Before she had time to think, he yanked her hand and flipped her over, she fell hard and he was on top of her in milliseconds, his knee pressing into her shoulder, pinning her.

“You’ve got to be fucking kidding me,” she groaned.

“I win.”

“No. No, you cheated again. We hadn’t officially started.”

“Miller?” Murphy asked, turning to their referee.

“Sorry, Clarke,” he shook his head, “but I really want to hear Murphy’s question.”

“I can’t believe you two.”

“Ok,” a wicked grin spread across Murphy’s face. He paused, waiting to illicit a reaction.

“Oh, for fuck’s sake, Murphy, just ask the damn question.”

The grin slid of his face and was replaced with a look of genuine seriousness – a sight which was more than rare. “How come you and Bellamy aren’t together?” She opened her mouth to reply but he cut her off. “The truth, not some bullshit like ‘oh we don’t think of each other like that’ – because we all know it’s bullshit.”

Clarke shut her mouth again, she was definitely about to say some bullshit like that. “I guess,” she began, “I don’t know. I guess we’re just always so busy trying to fix everything and save everyone, we never find time for ourselves.”

“You found time for yourself with Lexa,” he added softly, so softly that Clarke wasn't even sure it was Murphy standing in front of her.

His words hit her like a brick, she hadn’t thought about Lexa like that in a long time, and it still hurt. She didn’t think this kind of hurt ever went away. “Lexa died,” she rasped out finally, “because of me. Lexa died because of me, and I can’t let that happen to anyone else, especially Bellamy.”

“It wasn’t your fault, Clarke.”

Sometimes Clarke forgot that he was there when it happened. She had walked in on Murphy tied up and gagged, and when she had tried to free him, Titus had pulled a gun on her. She closed her eyes, trying her best to block out the flashes of memory that assaulted her.

“It was,” her voice was strained, as if she were pushing through thousands of metres of dirt and rock just to get the words out. Or maybe just six feet.

“Clarke,” Murphy gripped her shoulders, steadying her, “Lexa died, because Titus shot her.”

“But he was aiming fo-”

“I know who he was aiming for, but that wasn’t your fault either. God, Clarke,” he added exasperatedly, “do you hear yourself? Some _asshole_ pulled a gun on _you_ and a stray bullet that _he_ shot hit your girlfriend and you blame _yourself_.”

“But-”

“You really want to blame someone other than Titus, blame me. He used me to lure you in, I was the bait.”

“I’m not going to blame you, Murphy! It wasn’t your fault!”

“Then why are you blaming yourself!”

“Uh, should we come back?” A woman stood at the door.

Miller turned around in exasperation, “I tried to keep them out.”

“No,” Clarke furiously rubbed tears from her eyes, “it’s fine. Come in, we’re going to start training in a couple minutes. If you’ll excuse me, I think I need some air.” Murphy tried to stop her, but she wriggled free.

“Hey,” the woman at the door stopped her, “I knew Roan very well.” Clarke noted the scars on her face; intentional, she realised. Azgeda. “He knew Lexa fairly well - and you, too, I’m pretty sure. He knew how much she loved you, and if she died defending you, it was a fate she would’ve been happy to accept.”

Clarke’s breath caught in her throat, “thank you,” she whispered, trying her best to hold back tears as she ran out the door and down the hallway. She ran all the way back to the lab and into her room, where she cried for the next three hours.

She looked up to see the drawing of Lexa on her wall. “Was it my fault? Did you die because of me, or have I been blaming the wrong person this whole time?” She stumbled over to her secret stash under her bed. Breaking out a bottle, she poured the brown liquid down her throat, not caring how it burned.

She laughed harshly, “maybe Murphy's right. Maybe there really is no one to blame.” She put the bottle down next to her and lay down, her back flush against the ground. “What the fuck do I do now?” She knew that the flame was taken out of her head a long time ago, but she swore sometimes that a little piece of it was left behind – like when Raven and her mom were EMPed – because if she tried hard enough, she swore she could hear Lexa. Talking to her, advising her, encouraging her, snapping her out of her crazy spirals. She remembered the first time she had contemplated suicide, it was after the others had left in the ship and she was all alone after Praimfaya. She was in the desert and she was alone and scared – hard as she tried, she just couldn’t come up with a single reason to keep going. She had pulled out the gun strapped to her hip and felt the cool metal as it rested against her temple. Suddenly, the vulture had returned and a voice deep inside her spoke. _Follow it, keep going_ , the voice had said, and she did, she followed the bird, she kept going, and she found Madi. She begged for the voice to come, the voice she was so sure belonged to Lexa, the voice who would tell her what to do.

“Please, Lexa. I’m so tired and I’m so alone.” _You’re not alone_ , the voice reminded her. She knew she wasn’t technically alone anymore, she had Madi, and her mother, and Raven. _And Bellamy_. And Bellamy, she agreed.

“Fuck,” she whispered to herself, “what the fuck am I going to do about Bellamy?” She didn’t have to wait for the voice to respond, she knew what she had to do. She had to tell him. Today.

“A little liquid courage won’t hurt,” she mumbled, taking another swig before setting off to find him.

She wasn’t exactly sure what her game plan was here, would she just ambush him in the hallway? Would she ask to speak with him privately? How would she even find him? Lucky for her it was lunch. She would go to the mess hall and sit and wait for him. Yes, that’s what she would do.

After about thirty minutes of watching Clarke’s nervous jittering, Raven turned to her, “you gonna eat, or…?”

“I’m not hungry,” she answered, noticing the concern buried in Raven’s tone – she put that realisation in a box in her head marked ‘to be re-examined later’.

“Please, Clarke, let’s not go back there.”

“We’re not going back anywhere,” she promised, “I’m just not hungry, I’m actually waiting for someone.”

Raven supressed a grin, “I wonder who.”

“Shut up,” Clarke muttered. Raven just shook her head and walked off. Not long after, Clarke spotted Bellamy sauntering in.

“There you are!” She grinned, beckoning him over.

“Hey,” he offered a weak smile in return. She suddenly remembered that he had just had his psych eval, courtesy of her mother.

“How did it go?” she asked quietly, giving him permission to ignore her question if he didn’t feel up to it.

“It was good to tell someone, I guess. Even if it was your mom.”

Clarke gave a small chuckle, she understood what he meant. “She may be overbearing and more than a little pushy, but she’s a really good listener.”

“Guess it runs in the family,” he agreed, and she blushed, turning away. _No time for blushing_ , she scolded herself.

The rest of lunch went by in relative silence, she still wasn’t quite sure how to even broach the subject. Once they had both finished, Clarke quickly jumped to speak.

“Are you busy? I could probably use some help in the lab.”

He hesitated, and she silently prayed that he would say yes, she knew he had nothing to do.

“I think I told Miller I’d help him train the Eligius crew,” he said finally.

Clarke frowned, Miller hadn’t mentioned anything about that this morning. “Oh, no worries.” She paused. “I’ll catch you later then.”

“Catch you later,” he replied, getting up to leave and she tried her best not to chase after him and just profess her love in the damn hallway.

As soon as the door to her room closed, the tears came. Hot and wet, flowing down her face. She wasn’t entirely sure why she was crying, maybe it was Bellamy, maybe it was her worry about Madi, maybe it was just the culmination of all these stressors and more, but she was. She angrily ripped off her clothes, soon wearing nothing more than her bra and the shorts she always wore under her clothes. She fumbled around and found the bottle from earlier, practically draining the rest over the course of the next few hour.

She was pretty sure she passed out for a while. When she came to, she grabbed on to her bed to anchor herself and she got up, grabbing the almost empty bottle and a packet of crackers. As she moved for the door, she bumped into her desk and sent all her sketching material flying.

“Fuck,” she muttered to herself, ripping her door open. There was Bellamy, standing right in front of her, bewildered look on his face.

“Bellamy!” she called to him excitedly, lifting her hands as if to hug him. There was something she had to tell him, she knew, she just couldn’t remember what it was.

 “Hey, Clarke,” he swallowed visibly.

“I’m so glad you’re here,” she slurred, taking a large swig. She paused, feeling like she was about to throw up for a second before she let out a large burp, followed by an eruption of giggles.

“Clarke,” he began tentatively, “how much have you had to drink tonight?”

“This much!” she declared proudly, showing him the bottle.

“You drank all of that?”

“Yep-” _hic_ “what did you say that time? I deserve fun?” she stopped, straining to remember back to the night of their first Unity Day on the ground. “Yeah, that was it,” she nodded. “I’m having fun, Bellamy!”

“Clearly.” He sounded less than impressed.

“Hey, youneedfuntoo,” her words ran together. “Come drink with me,” she made a sweeping gesture to her bedroom.

“I don’t think that’s a very good idea, Clarke,” he answered quietly. Clarke wondered if he was mad at her, she pushed the thought down though.

“Boo! You’re no fun!” She stumbled a bit on her way over to him. “Oh my god, you have to try these!” She suddenly remembered the crackers she had grabbed.

“Where the hell did you get those from?”

“ _I stole them from the Chancellor’s stash_ ,” she whispered way too loudly. “ _Shhhhhh_ ,” she pressed a finger to his lips before hiccupping and giggling again.

“Ok, I think it’s time you went to bed,” she heard him say. Next thing she knew, he was prying the bottle from her hands. She did her best to fight him, but it was no use – she was absolutely wasted.

“Nooooo,” she cried softly, desperately clutching after it.

“C’mon,” he turned her around, putting his hands on her shoulders and motoring her back towards her bedroom. She couldn’t help the shiver that went over her at the feeling of his rough hands on her bare skin.

“Yes, come get drunk with me,” she cried triumphantly, mistaking his concern for a victory.

“No, I’m putting you to bed, Clarke. You’re wasted.”

“Exactly,” she giggled, “why aren’t you?”

He didn’t respond, just laughed. Once they got into her room, he looked around. She didn’t really know what he was looking for until, his eyes settled on a discarded t-shirt in the corner.

“Here,” he told her, handing her the top.

“No, I’m too hot, I just wanna sleep like this,” she whined.

“Clarke, it’s freezing you’ll wake up with a cold – or worse,” he protested.

“Nope, no clothes!”

“Clarke, please,” he begged.

She looked up into his big brown eyes, suddenly she remembered what she had wanted to tell him. She had wanted to tell him she was in love with him, but in her drunken haze, she couldn’t. So, she settled on what seemed like the next best thing, flirting. “Fine, but only if you say it in the sexy voice.”

“The what?” he asked, bewildered. Did he really not know?

“You know what I’m talking about,” she smiled knowingly at him.

He hesitated, “if I do it, will you put the shirt on and go to sleep?”

“Yes, cross my heart, hope to die. Hey,” her face lit up, she’d just had a revelation, “that’s funny because I probably will die soon.”

“Oh my god, Clarke don’t say that,” Bellamy looked horrified.

“What? It’s true!” She laughed, they would all die soon.

“C’mon, would you just get into bed,” he sighed.

“Uh unh, I may be drunk but you’re not getting out of it that easily,” she told him, her voice as stern as she could manage in her state.

Bellamy rolled his eyes. Leaning down to whisper in her ear, “put this top on, get into bed and go to sleep… Princess.”

She visibly shivered, practically drooling. How did he manage to do this to her? She turned to putty under his intense gaze, grabbing the top, still dazed and doing exactly what Bellamy had asked. Once she was under the covers, she felt a hand reach out and stroke her hair fondly.

“Good night, Bellamy,” she murmured as he got up.

“Good night, Princess,” he whispered, slipping out the door.

She silently cursed herself, so much for telling him how she felt. Now she had just made things even more weird between them. Not so productive, Clarke.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sooooo, what did y'all think? was it juicy enough for you? let me know what else you want to see x also, i think i'm gonna let the bellarke fluff take a bit of a benchseat next chapter in favour of some actual plot 
> 
> also i just wanted to take a moment to say, i'm so appreciative of all the comments and kudos you guys leave, it makes me so happy to know that my writing is entertaining for you and that you enjoy my ideas/thoughts/perspective, since all fanfic is extremely subjective xx
> 
> oh yeah, almost forgot, i have exams for the next two weeks so i wont be posting or writing, sorry xx
> 
> update: i just went over and finally edited and what the fuck. i really need to start doing a final edit before i upload a chapter, oops. thanks for putting up with my practically incoherent writing xx (and yes i know i should be studying rn but i'm taking a break - sue me)
> 
> ALSO: i got tumblr so go scream at me abt any of the shows i watch or feel free to send me prompts that i may or may not get to @ bellarke-trashh


	7. I Didn't Cry When You Left At First

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Commander is missing and Clarke ‘Mama Bear’ Griffin ~~wants~~ needs to find her. Bellamy wants to find her too, but is he willing to put his Princess on the line?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Clarke ‘Mama Bear’ Griffin be getting ready to show their new friends on Sanctum These Hands™️ – but Bellamy has other ideas. 
> 
> sorry this chapter took so long for me to post (and it's so short) x i hit quite a few roadblocks. buuuuttttt bonuses: i now have hella content that i decided didn't fit in here that i promise i will either work into future chapters or release as separate (prolly one-shot) fics AND chapter eight will be coming hella soon (like within the next few days) xx
> 
> also, so much has happened since i last posted aaahhhh! bob & eliza got married, congrats to them! i finished my exams, congrats to me! we had one (maybe two i dont remember when i posted) really bellarke-filled eps! i started to ship echo and clarke as besties (i just rly miss raven and clarke tbh)! and oh so much more!
> 
> title is from Daddy Issues by The Neighbourhood. some of you may have picked up that it was previously titled something else, that was a mistake sorry xx

Clarke woke up with a hangover that could rival that of the infamous Unity Day ’49 and the distant memory that she had fucked up. Bad. She stretched and yawned, searching for Madi. Then she remembered, Madi was out with a hunting party and she was coming home soon, Clarke was sure of it. She had to be, otherwise she’d go insane. Madi was supposed to be home three days ago, but it was normal for hunting parties to be a few days late, especially if they had a big catch which she was sure they must have had. _Unless…_ a distant voice whispered but she pushed it back, if she started having those thoughts, she was sure she’d unravel.

Clarke forced herself off her bed, shoving her legs into some pants and walking out into the lab. That was when she saw him, and she remembered that too. Oh, she remembered _everything_. And from the expression on his face, she was sure he also remembered.

“Hey,” she squeaked. _Really, that’s all you can manage? Hey??_

“Hey,” he replied, equally timid.

God, why did she have to be such a drunken idiot? With the memories of last night, came the sudden recollection of why she had gotten drunk in the first place.

“How are you feeling?” he asked. She knew he was referring to her killer hangover.

“Shit,” she grumbled.

“Maybe it’ll teach you a lesson.” She laughed at his feeble attempt at a joke. Somehow, now didn’t seem the time for jokes. It wasn’t just because of last night though. No, Clarke knew in the pit of her stomach that something was wrong, and she knew it was about Madi.

“Bellamy,” she spoke so quietly she wasn’t even sure he would hear her.

“Yeah?”

“I’m scared.”

The two words were enough to send him flying across the laboratory, sweeping her into a tight hug as she began to sob into his shoulder.

“Hey,” he stroked her hair, “hey, talk to me.”

She pulled away to look him in the eyes, he let her go but still kept his hands in their positions at the nape of her neck and the small of her back. “Madi should be back by now, and I know she’s the commander but I just-” she couldn’t get the words out, breaking into another fit of sobs, he brought her in even tighter.

“I know,” he reassured. And she knew he knew, he cared about Madi almost as much as she did after all. “I’m worried too, but you’re right, she’s the commander – and like I said last time, she’s strong.”

“Yeah she’s strong, but she’s not fucking clairvoyant – we don’t know what the hell’s out there! We could’ve sent her on a suicide mission and we don’t even know!”

As much as he didn’t want to admit it, Bellamy knew Clarke was right, Madi should definitely be back by now.

He sighed heavily tearing a hand away to run it nervously through his hair. “Ok, so we assemble the delegates who aren’t out with the hunting party and decide how to proceed from there.”

She nodded, silently grateful for his level-headed approach. “Ok,” she furiously scrubbed tears from her eyes. Without thinking, he reached out and pulled her hand away from her face, his other hand taking its place and gently collecting the tears pooling. The fondness of the gesture startled both of them, especially considering the events of last night, and he quickly dropped his hand and released hers.

\---

Apparently, ‘assembling the delegates’ just meant gathering all their friends in one room and arguing. Most of them had never even been inside Raven and Clarke’s lab before and it made Clarke wince when they all took in the impressive sight, she’d been such a psycho after Bellamy left.

“What’s the emergency?” Octavia broke the silence. “And it must be an emergency if you’ve brought me in.” She looked pointedly at Bellamy, “most of you haven’t even spoken to me in three years.”

They all flinched. It was true, Octavia had become a sort of social pariah after the whole Blodreina thing – even more so than Clarke, and that was saying something.

Bellamy addressed the group as a whole, ignoring Octavia’s poisonous jab, “the hunting party we sent out was supposed to return three days ago, but they haven’t, and we must decide the most effective and smart way to proceed.”

“I’m confused,” Miller announced, “why don’t we just send a search team after them?”

Bellamy and Clarke exchanged a glance, she nodded once, giving him permission to explain. “There are others here, on this planet.” Everyone took a collective gasp of surprise. “We made a deal with them when we first came down, we stay out of their way and stick to the assigned paths – only sending out a certain number of people at a time – and they won’t attack. Any violation of these terms will be considered an act of war,”

“And then we’re right back where we started on Earth,” Octavia finished.

Raven shrugged, “so… I’m not really seeing many options here.”

Bellamy braced himself, “twelve people are allowed to be outside the camp at any given time, the hunting party had ten, so we can only send out two more peopl-”

Murphy cut him off, following his train of thought, “so the question is who. I mean, only two people out there, in unfamiliar territory, with potentially hostile locals, it’s practically a suicide mission.”

Bellamy nodded.

Octavia smirked, “so you want us to decide who’s disposable enough? Which among our people are acceptable losses if the hunting party is dead.” Clarke flinched.

Raven’s brows furrowed, “talk about being back where we started, none of our people are _disposable_.”

“Wrong,” Octavia countered, “ _everyone_ is disposable, even you and me, it’s just a question of who’s the _most_ disposable.”

The other girl shook her head, “I don’t think I can be involved in this.”

“Well it’s a little late for that,” Murphy snarked and Raven glared at him, he shot back an apologetic look.

Miller sighed, hanging his head, “all this bickering isn’t productive. Octavia’s right, we need to decide who’s disposable enough to send out.”

 

As much as she fought it, Clarke began to space out, the voices of her friends growing distant. She could hear them arguing, but she was no longer able to make out specific words. As her mind wandered, she knew what she had to do – Madi was her child after all, her responsibility.

She took a slow, deliberate breath, “fuck it. Let me get dressed.”

Suddenly, all their heads snapped around to focus on her.

It was Raven who finally spoke, “I’m sorry?”

“I’ll go,” she clarified, “just let me get dressed, pyjamas aren’t exactly ideal search and rescue mission clothing.”

His tone was clear and forceful, “no, absolutely not.”

She tilted her head exasperatedly, jutting out her hip and resting her head on it, “c’mon, Bell-”

His booming voice straightened her spine, “I said no, Clarke.”

For some reason, his words made her inexplicably angry. “My sincerest apologies, I didn’t realise I was suddenly taking orders from you?”

He sighed heavily and it was one of those rare moments where Clarke thought she saw the real Bellamy, the one who was just so sick and tired of fighting. “You know it’s not like that, Clarke.”

She could tell he was close to breaking, but still, she pushed, “ok then, what’s it like?”

“I’m not losing you again!” he snapped. “I won’t!”

Their friends seemed to take that as their cue to leave as they all filed out entirely conspicuously. Clarke shook her head at their total lack of tact, waiting until the room had cleared.

“Listen, I know you’re worried about me, but I can’t just sit here whilst we bicker about who’s expendable enough to go when _my child_ is out there and in danger.”

He rubbed his hands over his face aggressively, “I’m not worried, Clarke, I’m fucking terrified. Because if you go out there,” he pointed threateningly to the direction of the gate, “and you don’t come back, I will lose my fucking mind, you understand?”

“I know,” she tried to reassure him, “but I will come back!”

“You don’t know that!”

“Please, Bellam-”

“No, you were the one who told me not to make promises I can’t keep, now I need you to do the same.”

“I promise that _when_ I go out there,” she gestured to the fence, “I will do everything in my power to get back to you, that I swear.”

He swallowed before speaking so softly Clarke wasn’t even sure how she heard him, “that’s not good enough.” Her bottom lip trembled involuntarily. “You either honestly tell me that you _will_ come back, or you don’t go at all.”

“I- I-” she trailed off. “You know I can’t do that.”

“Then _you_ know I can’t let you go out there by yourself.”

She was hit by a sudden wave of confidence, “then come with me.”

“Clarke…” he looked away, unable to match her piercing gaze.

“Come with me, help me find Madi.”

He inhaled deeply, thinking it over before finally settling. “You’re going to go whether I come or not, so… Together.”

She smiled gratefully. “Together,” she repeated.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> catch me starting to sprinkle Murven into this fic bc i just love them sm.  
> btws i know i tagged this as minor Miller/Jackson and i was intending to write more about them but i got a lil distracted. i'm back on track now though (hopefully) and will be sprinkling in more of everyone's favourite soft gays


	8. (When I'm Down) Can I Call Out Your Name?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bellamy and Clarke have left to find Madi, but it's not exactly a peaceful journey.  
> Miller and Jackson discover its fucking _hard_ being the substitute Bellamy and Clarke

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> remember when i promised this chapter would be up in a few days? yeah so life decided to fucking sucker-punch me with responsibilities, also sickness, which _super_ fun
> 
> buuuuuuut, i did use this as a time to recalibrate (sorta) so i now have a clear plan for where i want this fic to go and how many chapters there will be. i haven't drafted _all_ of it yet but im going to try and smash out the remaining chapters in the next few days and then i'd like to stick to a weekly posting schedule. 
> 
> **ALSO** : for the next few chapters (at least), this fic will be told from not just bellarke's perspective, but miller's too. i wanted a pair of eyes and ears back at base camp and i thought who better than everyone's favourite distinguished gay. (if you don't know what that means, look up "distinguished lgbt alignment chart" on google images)  
> also this is a tangent but clarke is a cross between a distinguished and a disaster bi and y'all can't convince me otherwise.
> 
> i also have a BUNCH of projects that i've been working on when i couldn't find the inspo to work on this so expect those maybe after i've finished this or maybe before (i still haven't decided whether they're going to be chapter fics or just really long one-shots, lmk what y'all prefer x)
> 
> title is from Passion by Ryan Beatty

They had made sure to get ready quickly so they could leave while everyone was still at breakfast. There had still been two guards at the main gate, and Clarke had to knock them out. It was a small price to pay though, really. At least she didn’t have to kill them. Bellamy shuddered at the thought of taking more innocent lives, they had vowed to leave that part of themselves behind. Bellamy distinctly remembered a conversation he and Clarke had on the bridge after they’d woken up about how she’d bashed Mccreary’s face in without even flinching. He had deserved it – and worse, Bellamy had reminded her – but the act had still shocked Clarke to her core when she reflected back. It had been the tipping point for her.

Bellamy nodded to Clarke as she approached, “ready to go?”

She nodded back, “yep, the guards are out.”

They quickly snuck through the gate before anyone could come and bust them. Raven had agreed to cover for them, making sure they didn’t send anyone out and risk breaking the already shaky peace treaty they had with the people of Sanctum.

Bellamy was starting to sweat as the beating suns buried him under layers of oppressive heat. God, he was just about ready to go back and grab one of the bikes. The only reason they hadn’t was because they knew it would alert too many people. Bellamy still couldn’t believe he had let Clarke go – at least he didn’t let her go alone, he reminded himself, not that he would ever, ever do that. She couldn’t help it though, her child was out there and something was wrong, she knew it.

Maybe if Bellamy hadn’t been so busy focusing on Clarke, he would have noticed the man following them from a distance. He did notice the man however, when he jumped out from the trees, landing square on Clarke’s front and knocking her to the ground. She reacted instinctively, wriggling free from his grip and pivoting out so she could reach into her waistband and pull out the pistol she always kept there.

“Don’t move,” she whispered slowly, placing the barrel of the gun against his head.

“Are you really going to shoot me?” the man asked with a smile.

She leaned over until she her lips were practically brushing the guy’s ear, “give me one good fucking reason not to.” He stuttered for a moment, she tapped his head with the gun, “tick tock.” Bellamy froze, unsure know what to do. He had never seen Clarke like this before.

“I know the terrain here better than you ever will.” His voice was even but Bellamy could tell he was scared.

“I have a map,” she answered simply.

“I can help you find food and water.”

“We have rations in our packs, and we’re only out for a day-trip.”

“I-I,” he stumbled, desperately trying not to outlive his usefulness. “I can take you to the others.”

This made her stop dead, “what others?”

“Which others do you need to find? I can take you to their camp.”

“We _came_ from the camp,” she drawled. “But you already knew that, you also already know who we’re really looking for.”

“I can take you to them, too.”

“And why should I believe you? You have a gun to your head, you’d say anything to save your own ass.” He said nothing in return, simply reaching into his pocket.

“Uh,” she tutted, cocking the gun, “I don’t think so.” He removed his hand and she bent down, reaching in to find the commander’s headpiece. Bellamy and Clarke both froze, looking at each other and both sensing the fear in the other’s eyes.

“What the hell did you do to them?” she snarled.

“Not me, my friends,” the man defended, “they captured _your_ friends and took them to my leader. There’s a bounty on people like you.”

Bellamy was hit with a momentary wave of déjà vu. “A bounty on sky people?” he asked.

The man turned tentatively to him. “Yes, but I assure you, if you let me go, I’ll take you to my leader and you can negotiate for their freedom.”

“Better yet, can you help us find your friends before they reach your leader.”

The man thought it over, “I can try, but I can’t promise we’ll make it in time.”

“How do we know you’re not leading us into a trap?” Clarke said bringing the attention away from Bellamy.

The man thought for a moment, “you don’t. But you seem smart, so you must know this is your only chance to find them.”

Clarke seemed to consider his words, he was right, trusting this random stranger was the only lead they had to finding Madi. To finding all of them. For the first time in what felt like six years, Bellamy had no idea what Clarke was going to do next.

After that time she and Bellamy had gone to the military bunker and found the guns, and then had that heart-to-heart after he killed Dax to protect her, they’ve felt perfectly in sync. Even when they disagreed, Bellamy at least always felt like he _knew_ what she was thinking, why she was acting that way, what her next move was.

But now, he had no idea, and it fucking terrified him. Clarke startled him, pistol-whipping the man across the head and knocking him out.

“Can’t have you getting your hands free and grabbing a weapon,” she told the unconscious body as she pulled a length of rope from her pack.

“You didn’t have to do that,” Bellamy told her sternly.

“He’s not dead, you know.”

“I know,” his voice softened, “but you didn’t even have to knock him out. You had a gun to his head, you could’ve just told him to stay still and tied his hands.”

“I needed a minute to think,” she avoided his gaze.

“Well, what are you thinking?”

She bristled. “I’m _thinking_ that I just want to get going and find Madi. That’s the only thing that matters right now.”

“What about doing better?” He echoed Monty’s words, knowing it was somewhat of a low blow but not caring if it meant snapping some sense back into her. “What about McCreary.”

“You were right about McCreary, he deserved what he got and I’m not sorry.” Even as she said the words, he could tell she didn’t mean them.

“Clarke-”

“No, she is _my_ child.” She paused before looking up into his big, brown, doe eyes. “My responsibility.”

He frowned. “Don’t- don’t do that,” he begged, “don’t put all that weight on yourself. Because it’s not what you think it is. It’s not heroic, or noble, or ‘the right thing to do’. It’s fucking stupid, is what it is, it’s stupid, and reckless, and self-sacrificing – and not in the good way. Trust me.”

She sighed, exhaustion beginning to cloud her mind. “I just have to find her, and I can do that a lot better if you work with me, not against me.”

“I’m not working against you, Clarke,” he sighed.

“Yeah, well you’re not working with me either.” He was about to reply but she cut him off.  “Come on, we better get a move on, I think our new _friend_ is waking up.”

Just as she said that, the man groaned and pushed himself onto his knees.

“Wakey wakey,” she smiled poisonously, “time to go.”

\---

Three hours later, they were still walking down the same damn path and Clarke was starting to get hungry, but she didn’t dare stop.

Their prisoner however, had other ideas. “Please,” he begged, collapsing at their feet, “water.”

She simply rolled her eyes, “get up. You get water when I get my daughter back.”

“Clarke,” Bellamy grabbed her arm, “a quick break won’t hurt.”

“You don’t know that,” she pleaded. He saw the desperation in her eyes.

“Ok,” he leaned down to the hostage, “come on.” He heaved him up, supporting his weight.

Clarke sighed dramatically, “he’s not injured, you know. He can walk just fine.”

“Actually, he’s probably still concussed, you know, from when you hit him in the head with your gun.”

“Your boyfriend’s right,” the man groaned, shifting his weight off Bellamy.

“Not my boyfriend,” she mumbled.

The man looked between the two, “oh. Sorry, I just assumed because…”

“Whatever,” Clarke shoved him along, “just keep walking.”

He stumbled ahead, turning to whisper to Bellamy, “your girlfriend’s _mean_.”

Bellamy tried his best to hold in his laugh, he really did, but he was only human. Clarke stopped dead, swatting his arm angrily and grumbling something like _fucking traitor_. He knew she was only joking though, as he caught the small smirk that crawled over her lips when she thought he wasn’t watching.

After another hour of walking and stealing furtive glances when they thought the other couldn’t see, Clarke and Bellamy finally spotted a small tower of smoke in the distance. They broke into a sprint, but when they got there, the fire had been put out and there wasn’t a person in sight.

“They were just here,” the prisoner struggled, “look, the fire’s still smouldering. They must’ve just left.”

Clarke growled, “I have had _enough_ of your lies!”

“Clarke,” Bellamy pleaded, “he’s right. Look,” he gestured to a set of tracks that looked about ten people heavy, some looked like they were shuffling. But they all looked very fresh.

“Fine,” she huffed out. She kicked the man again, “get up, we’re going.”

He groaned but used his cuffed hands to shove himself off the ground where he had sat down to rest. She ignored the pitiful looks Bellamy was giving her, _what the hell was his problem anyway?_ They shuffled along the tracks, careful not to mess them up in case they had to retrace their steps, Clarke silently prayed they would find them soon as the suns were setting.

“We should stop here,” the prisoner said, stalling so suddenly she almost crashed into him, “it’s getting dark. We should camp for the night and resume our search in the morning.”

“I’m sorry,” Clarke shoved him forwards, “I hadn’t realised you were calling the shots.”

“Clarke, he’s right.”

“No, Bellamy,” the force in her voice shocked them both. “What if they’re just around the next bend? What if we’re right on the tails but we lose them again because we stopped to sleep?”

Bellamy saw the panic starting to rise and attempted to soothe her, reaching out to touch her arm reassuringly, but she jerked away.

“We keep going,” was all she said.

\---

Miller paced angrily as Raven desperately tried to defend herself. Her friends had gathered again minutes ago in the tactical room to reattempt to discuss who they were going to send out when she had come clean.

Jackson shook his head, “I can’t believe you just let them go.”

She stiffened, “they would’ve gone whether I helped them or not! At least this way, we’re not risking the alliance with the Sanctum people more than necessary!”

“Oh, you mean the alliance we only just found out about this morning?” Miller retorted. “They were probably lying about it anyway, you know what they’re like!”

“Hey, man,” Murphy put his hands up to stop him.

Miller shoved him angrily, who the hell did he think he was? “Don’t patronise me, Murphy,” he snapped, Jackson reached out, placing a soothing hand on his arm and calming him instantly, he retreated into the gesture.

“I’m just saying,” Murphy continued, “Raven’s right. It’s better that they came to her and now at least we know rather than them just sneaking off on their own.”

Deep down, he knew Murphy was right, so he dropped it.

“So, what do we do know?” Octavia changed the subject. Everyone else seemed hesitant to let her take control of the discussion, Miller understood why but it still bugged him. That poor girl had been through more than any of them combined, she was the only reason they had all survived those six years in the bunker. If it weren’t for Octavia and the impossible choices she made, they would have all died of starvation three years in.

“We cover for them with everyone else,” Raven answered, “we make sure no one knows they’re gone until they get back.”

It occurred to Miller that everyone was staring at him, seemingly for confirmation. He sighed, “yeah, ok, I guess that’s all we can really do.” His words obviously satisfied them as they all dispersed quickly.

Miller sighed and almost collapsed into Jackson’s arms once they had all left. “How the fuck do Bellamy and Clarke do this?” he huffed and Jackson laughed.

“Tell me about it.”

He looked up, eyebrows furrowing indignantly, “also since when did I become the default leader when they fuck off?”

Jackson pouted, as if he were unsure how Miller didn’t already know the answer, “because they look to you, Nate, they trust you. Because you’re a loyal soldier and a good friend.”

At that, he smiled. Jackson always knew exactly what to say to cheer him up. “I love you, you know that?”

“Why, because I boost your ego?” his eyes danced and Miller knew he was only joking.

“Yes, that’s precisely why,” he replied with mock-sincerity.

“Thought so.” After a moment, his face softened, “I love you too, though.”

Miller grinned, leaning down to kiss him. “God, you’re such a sap,” he whispered against Jackson’s lips. He could feel the smile that spread across them.

Jackson pulled away, sighing, “everything’s going to work out. Bellamy and Clarke are going to find Madi and the rest of them, the Sanctum people are going to respect the treaty, and you’re not going to have to play leader for too much longer.”

Miller couldn’t help it, he grinned again. Jackson was the eternal optimist and it was so refreshing, especially in a world like theirs.

Of course, Jackson had to go ahead and ruin it. “So, do you wanna tell Abby, or should I?”

Miller turned, an incredulous look on his face. “I’m not fucking telling Abigail Griffin her daughter has wandered off with her platonic-life-partner-slash-guy-she’s-totally-in-love-with on a desperate crusade to find _her_ daughter, that they probably won’t come back and that – knowing them – they’re either having angsty eye-sex around a fire place or killing everyone and ruining the peace treaty.”

Jackson shook his head, joking, “so you want to make me do it? Traitor.”

“That’s why you love me,” he quipped, grouching as Jackson slowly withdrew his hands from around his boyfriend’s waist.

He pressed a quick kiss to Miller’s lips, “wish me luck.”

Miller watched fondly as he left, “good luck.” _He was gonna need it_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hopefully that wasn't shit
> 
> fuel my ego in the comments like Jackson's fuels Millers (god i just miss my gays, where the fuck did they go? like, we've seen Miller and Jackson separately but it feels like they've barely had a damn scene together so far)
> 
> also you may have noticed me starting to allude to some further plot-points, i just want to take this moment to notify y'all that this fic will remain completely canon-divergent and spoiler-free xx


	9. Alone With You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> im drunk, i cbf with summaries

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> title from hostage - Billie EIlish bc in case u couldn't already tell, i fucking love her.
> 
> also, references to drug use and addiction in this chapter (pertaining mainly to abby)

“We keep going,” Clarke told Bellamy, struggling to keep her voice even. It was bad enough he thought she was an unstable mess, he didn’t need to see her completely break down again. She sniffed, forcibly pulling the tears that threatened to spill out back into her tear ducts. “They’re just up here.”

She chanced a quick glance back at him and he looked contemplative, as if he were trying to figure her out. She didn’t give him the chance, lest he not like whatever conclusion he came to.

“Are you with me or not?”

“Of course, I am,” he answered immediately. His voice was soft, pitying even. _Goddamn him_.

She grabbed the collar of their prisoner’s shirt, pushing him forward along they tracks they had found.

They lapsed into a pondering silence, trudging tiredly along the path. Clarke was trying desperately not to let the quiet foster certain thoughts. Thoughts of things she didn’t want to think about right now. Thoughts of where Madi was, if she was ok. Thoughts of what was happening back home, whether they had been found out yet, whether Raven had kept her promise and covered for them. Thoughts of Bellamy – always of Bellamy – of the other night, the words that had danced across her tongue, desperate to spill out but unable. Clarke heard a distant voice but brushed it off as the exhaustion setting in.

Until Bellamy spoke, “did you hear that?”

She gasped, “I thought I imagined it.”

They didn’t have to say anything more, exchanging a glance before breaking into a sprint. Clarke was so eager, she completely forgot about the man they had captured. She had her daughter back, he was inconsequential.

As they broke into a clearing, Clarke felt like she could cry with relief. There were their people, all ten of them, including Madi, and not a hostile in sight.

“Clarke!” Madi cried, spotting her and Clarke honestly thought she could’ve cried. And then she did. She was crying as Madi got up, running and bowling into her. As Madi’s arms squeezed around her middle and her chin her shoulder, Clarke let out the breath she hadn’t realised she’d been holding.

Madi pulled away, tears pooling her eyes as Clarke swiped them away, “I knew you’d come.”

“Of course. Of course, I came.” She pulled the child back into a spine-crushing hug. This time when Madi pulled away, she turned to Bellamy.

She hesitated, and he reached his arms out, like he had for Clarke so many times before. And Madi jumped gladly into them, like Clarke had every single time.

“Thank you,” she whispered.

“Don’t mention it, kiddo,” he cooed into her hair, bending down to hug her properly. And for a split second, Clarke felt whole. This is all she would ever need in life, this right in front of her. Her daughter and the love of her life. Together, the three of them. Their own little world. Forever.

But forever couldn’t last. One of the members of the hunting party that Clarke recognised as Branwen spoke up.

“ _Heda_ , does this mean we can go home?”

Madi turned to address the nine pairs of watchful eyes, all eagerly awaiting her response. “Yes, we will go home. We leave tomorrow. For tonight, rest, you’ll need your strength for the next few days.”

Clarke was awestruck by the confidant way in which her little girl commanded her people. She shook herself out of it, “we don’t have time to stop, we need to get home _now_.”

Madi protested, “Clarke, they’re tired. We’ve been wandering aimlessly for nearly a whole week since we lost the map.”

“I’m so sorry we didn’t come sooner.”

She furrowed her brows, “don’t be. You still came, and now you’ll get us home. _Tomorrow_ ,” she said, and the tone in her voice was final. Clarke smiled despite herself, _wonder who she learnt that from_.

She nodded, “ok, Madi. We’ll take one night’s rest.”

Bellamy opened his mouth, most likely to make a jab about how he’d suggested the same thing not thirty minutes ago, but Clarke turned to him, pointing her finger warningly. “Don’t.”

He shut his mouth, smirking. “Wasn’t gonna.”

She rolled her eyes before trudging off to set up her sleeping bag. Bellamy followed, unable to keep the smile off his face. For the first time in a while, he felt truly happy. He and Clarke were back in sync.

\---

As the fire light dwindled, Clarke sat against the tree, looking around at all the people that they had just found. Bellamy shifted and mumbled something in his sleep, Clarke suppressed the shudder that went through at his deep timbre. She couldn’t think like that, not when they were teetering on the brink of war. Although she would never show it, the last week had been hell for Clarke. Watching Bellamy as his sweaty, muscled figure dodged around branches and rocks, the jolt of electricity that went through her when he held his hand for her to leap over a fallen log. Worst of all though, were the pitying looks she would catch him giving her when he thought she wasn’t paying attention – like he was trying to psychoanalyse her, figure out where it all went wrong.

“Hey.” His rumbling voice cut through her thoughts. She cleared her throat, realising she had been staring at him.

“Hey.” She was distantly reminded of when they had both woken up on the ship and for a few blissful moments, they had been the only two people in the world. Then Jordan came, then the videos, then the grief, and finally, the responsibilities.

“Watcha thinkin’?”

She smiled fondly, “remember when we woke up from cryo? And it was just you and me? No one else.”

“No responsibilities?” he finished her thought.

“Yeah,” she laughed wryly, “no responsibilities.” After a beat, she continued, “it felt like anything was possible. Just for a few moments.”

He frowned pensively, brows creasing in a way that made here want to stretch out and stroke them gently. “Yeah, it did.”

She snorted, “remember when we first arrived? On Earth?”

He laughed along with her, “you really didn’t like me.”

“Hey, you didn’t like me either,” she pointed out.

“Yeah but it wasn’t the same.”

Her smile faded, “no?”

He thought for a moment. “No,” he told her definitively. “I mean sure, I hated you at first because I thought you were just another one of those privileged assholes like Jaha, or your mom, or Kane – god, Kane was an asshole in the beginning, wasn’t he?”

She ignored the question. “How was it different though?”

“Because I saw pretty early on that wasn’t who you were – who you are – and I saw that we really needed you.”

“They needed you too, Bellamy,” she told him softly.

“Yeah but it’s different. You were there, from the very beginning, making the hard decisions, doing what needed to be done – despite the stupid asshole with the stolen guard’s uniform and his stupid hair.”

She chuckled at that, “you really did have stupid hair.”

He grinned, “the worst. Do you get my point though? I was who the hundred thought they needed – who they wanted – but you… you were the only person they really did need.”

“But I needed you. I still do, I need you.”

He smiled, and she returned it.

“But you’re wrong about another thing,” she told him.

“Oh yeah?”

“I saw who you were pretty early on too, and it wasn’t the annoying asshole with stupid hair. You’re kind, caring, compassionate, thoughtful, protective-”

“Some might say to a fault.”

“Some,” she agreed, “but some might not. I wouldn’t.”

Before she knew what she was doing, Clarke found herself drowning in those rich, brown eyes again. His eyes were so rich, Clarke felt like a million bucks just looking in them for a second – or maybe it was the way he used them to look at her, a secret look, reserved just for her.

He coughed, snapping his head away and shuffling a bit to settle in. “Thanks, Princess.”

Clarke scolded herself internally, _stop misleading yourself like that, Bellamy is your friend – nothing more_.

\--- back at camp ---

Jackson came striding in, bottle of some dark liquid in hand.

“I told her,” he declared proudly.

Miller tilted his head in confusion.

“I told Abby we lost her daughter,” he clarified hysterically, taking a huge swig from the bottle.

“Please tell me you didn’t say it like that.”

“I said – and I quote – ‘Clarke’s run off with Bellamy to try and fix things again, we’re covering for them while we wait for them to get back, don’t spiral because we still need a functional doctor, please and thanks’.”

Miller cringed, “oh, babe, you didn’t.”

He nodded, “I did. I may have had a few sips of liquid of courage before I did it.”

“Clearly. How did she take it?”

“She was _not_ happy, she yelled at me, then she cried, then she told me to hide all the diazepam and not give it to her under any circumstances.”

“And then?”

“And then I hid the pills and left. Oh – also, I brought this for us to share.”

Miller laughed as Jackson proudly presented the bottle of what was clearly alcohol. “You work with a junkie and you still think drugs are the best way to cope with stress?”

“It’s not drugs, it’s alcohol.”

“Alcohol is a drug, Dr. Jackson.”

He stuck his tongue out, “whatever. Are you going to get drunk with me or not?”

Miller frowned, “I can’t, I have to go over these water numbers – I never realised quite how much maths is involved in leading.”

“Fine, Grumpy Gus!” Jackson chuckled to himself all the way from the doorway to their bed. “Goodnight, Nate.”

“Night, babe.”

\---                                                                                   

Jackson had gone to sleep three hours ago, and Miller was _tired_. His head hit the desk and he snapped back awake, sniffing and pushing back to waves of sleep that called to him so seductively. Like those sirens from the Greek mythology tales Bellamy used to talk about, late at night, when everyone was asleep and he’d had too much moonshine in him. Miller longed for those nights again, when they had only just landed. Bellamy would sit for hours, musing about history and Octavia and that _frustratingly hot_ _and frustratingly always right_ princess. Miller would just listen to his best friend, laughing whenever Bellamy accidentally let his feelings for Clarke slip through – which was a lot.

Jackson pattered over to him, yawning away his residual drunkenness as he stretched his arms out and rubbed circles into Miller’s tight shoulders. He sighed with the relief of the movements, Jackson leaned down to whisper.

“Go to bed, Nate.”

“That a proposition?” he quipped, the edge to his joke was somewhat undercut by the massive yawn that followed.

Jackson snorted, “yeah, I don’t think I’ve ever told you, I have a secret exhaustion kink.” At Miller’s eyeroll, he persisted. “I’m serious, there’s nothing hotter to me than a man who looks like he hasn’t slept in over three weeks.”

“I haven’t,” was all he could manage in response, though he did smile at the joke.

“C’mon Nate,” he sighed, “you need sleep, we can work on whatever this is in the morning.”

“It can’t wait. We’re running out of food, we need to decide whether to give Clarke and Bellamy a little more time – in which we might starve depending on how much of said time we give them – or whether to send out a new hunting party – in which we risk not only starting a war with the native Sanctum people, but also we could just be sending out another ten people to die like the first group.”

“Ok, well option one has one big risk, option two has two, so… option one?”

Miller laughed, “I’m so sleep-deprived that actually sounds like a good idea.”

“See,” Jackson gestured vaguely, “I’m always right. Now come to bed,” he pleaded.

Miller _was_ super tired, and he did feel like he and Jackson hadn’t spent more than ten minutes alone together recently without one (or both) of them being stressed out of their mind. He relented, “yeah, ok. Fine.”

Just as they got up to go to bed though, Raven came bursting through. She was panting, leaning on the door frame for support, “commotion… out front… gate… person…” she gasped out before collapsing.

Miller and Jackson immediately ran out to see what she was talking about. At the gate was a man who neither of them recognised as being from their camp. His clothes were weird too, distantly Miller realised he must be from the colony of Sanctum people.

“Move,” Miller commanded, pushing through to reach the man, “let me pass.”

“I’m looking for Nathan Miller,” the man said.

“That’s me, who sent you?”

“The ones you call Bellamy and Clarke came to me, wanted me to help find their people, I took them to my leader, but she- she killed them.” Miller felt rather than heard the collective gasp that ran through the crowd, he was pretty sure he heard more than one person burst into sobs. “I have a message from my leader. She says your people violated the treaty, and that she will meet with the leaders of your camp to discuss the terms of your surrender, otherwise she will have no choice but to consider this a declaration of war.”

Miller knew that there was no choice, Bellamy and Clarke were dead – and for that, these people would pay. In blood. “Tell you leader,” he spat, “that if she wants war, war is what she’ll get.”

“I- I-”

“Go.”


	10. Protesting In Your Paper Crowns

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bellamy and Clarke try to negotiate for peace but the Sanctum people are reluctant, to say the least.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> mama mia, here we go again
> 
> title from Loud(y) by Lewis Del Mar. i fucking love this song and have been waiting AGES to use it.

The hunting party had returned two days ago, Bellamy and Clarke leading the charge – and very much not dead. They had celebrated for mere minutes before Miller had broken the news to them about the man who had visited their camp.

“Yeah, that sounds like our guy,” Clarke grimaced.

“Are you sure?” Miller probed, it was extremely important they were on the same page.

“Yeah, that’s him,” Bellamy answered.

“Do you think he was telling the truth about delivering our declaration of war?” Miller asked.

“Probably,” he sighed.

Clarke gritted her teeth, “he seemed like a shit-stirrer if I’ve ever seen one.”

Miller frowned, “what the hell happened out there?”

“Nothing,” they both rushed to reply, sharing a glance and quickly blushing and looking away.

“Right… Well anyway, we obviously have work to do.”

\---

Clarke paced as Bellamy and Raven argued uselessly.

“Right,” Raven ground out, “but it doesn’t fucking matter whether the man was telling the truth or not, Miller fucking told him to deliver or declaration of war so-”

“But if we talk to them, maybe we can try and figure out this misunderstanding _without_ violence!”

“Oh, yeah? Talk to them, and say what? ‘Sorry we almost disobeyed your terms and held one of your men hostage for a week, we just don’t trust you and thought you’d murdered a group of our people, we cool?’”

Bellamy sighed, running his hands through his hair the way he did when he was trying to contain his frustration. “Raven, this is our _only choice_.”

Clarke couldn’t help the snort that escaped her lips.

“I’m sorry,” Raven snapped, “is being on the brink of war, yet again, because of you two going off and doing your own thing – _yet again_ – somehow funny to you?”

“No, Raven. No, I’m sorry. It’s just… oxymorons.”

“What?”

Bellamy shook his head, “only choice, it’s an oxymoron.” At Raven’s puzzled expression he clarified, “look, it’s unimportant, what matters is how we stop this war.” Clarke didn’t know why his words made her feel queasy. It really was unimportant, that didn’t stop his sentiment from hurting her though.

“I agree with Bellamy,” she said.

Raven rolled her eyes, “I’m shocked.”

Clarke huffed, “it’s the smart move, Raven. We’re not equipped for a war with a people who know this terrain and this planet better than the back of their hands – we never will be.”

“So what? You wanna just waltz over there, get down on your hands and knees and beg for mercy.”

“Essentially… yeah.”

Raven scoffed, “unbelievable.”

“Come with us, Raven,” Bellamy urged.

“We don’t even know where they live!”

“Actually,” Clarke began, trailing off to let Bellamy explain.

“I know where their basecamp is. Perks of living on your own for three years, you get to know the terrain a little better.”

“Fine,” Raven sighed, “you two go, _again_. Try and talk the leader into another peace deal. Miller and Jackson will keep things running from this end.”

Clarke nodded gratefully.

“Thank you,” Bellamy smiled.

 

After a few hours, Clarke and Bellamy were all ready to go again. Clarke couldn’t help but smile at the fact that they were here just over a week ago. Standing at the edge of the camp, about to walk off into the unknown and hoping to return with good news – or just to return at all.

They stood at the fence, packs high on their backs, she turned her head and looked at him. He offered a small smile and she grinned back. _Together_.

\---

“YOU LET THEM GO _AGAIN_?” Miller sputtered, he was enraged.

“What the fuck was I supposed to do, Miller! Tell them not go and just sit there and hope they listened to me?”

“Well for one, you could’ve convinced them it was a dumb idea – because it is!”

“Don’t you think I fucking tried that?”

“Then you should’ve tried harder!”

Miller flinched as Raven came for him, rage filling her features. Thankfully, Murphy intervened.

“Ok, ok,” he stepped in front of her, “let’s all just take several deep breaths.”

“You had one job, Raven,” Miller fumed. “I asked you to keep and eye on Bellamy and Clarke and make sure they don’t do anything stupid.”

“Yeah, well it’s Bellamy and Clarke,” she snapped, “they’re always doing something stupid.” Despite her aggressive tone, she had evidently calmed down and Murphy slowly released her.

“Just,” Miller scrubbed at his eyes, trying to force away the exhaustion that came with decision-making, “just go tell Abby, please.”

Raven moved to protest but Murphy cut in again, “I’ll tell Abby. You,” he turned to her, “go into your lab and do your sciency things.”

Raven rolled her eyes but stormed off in the direction of it.

“Thanks, man,” Miller sighed.

Murphy shook his head, “you really gotta stop riling her up like that, you know how crazy she gets when she’s angry.”

He nodded as Murphy walked off towards the medbay. Jackson spoke up from the corner of the room where he’d been silently watching the exchange. “You’re doing a good job, Nate.”

“Am I?”

\---

Three days later

 

Clarke groaned and shifted her pack again, hoping to take the weight of her back for just a few seconds even.

“How much further?”

Bellamy laughed, “not too much, maybe another half a day.”

She brightened, striding forwards with more purposeful steps.

“Have we thought about what exactly we’re going to say?”

Clarke slowed, “not really. I figured we’d just beg for mercy like Raven said.”

“And if they’re not the forgiving type?”

She turned, the ghost of a smile on her lips, “then we run like hell.”

Bellamy was about to reply when a snapping branch to their left caught their attention. Both heads whipped around to see a beaten man stumbling out from the trees.

Clarke’s eyes widened, “you again!” She launched at him, tackling him to the ground. “Bellamy, get the rope,” she called back frantically.

Before he had time to question her, she was snatching it from his hands and binding the rope around the man’s hands.

“What the fuck, Clarke?”

She shifted, pulling the man’s face up to his. “He look familiar to you?”

Bellamy realised that this was the man who had led them to the hunting party and then escaped and started a war between their two peoples.

“Fucking hell, we must be closer than I thought.”

“Do you think he’s told his leader yet?”

The man snickered, “I have. She won’t be too happy to see you two here.”

“We’ll see about that,” Clarke grimaced.

As they strode into the camp, Bellamy noticed the emptiness of the streets with some level of apprehension.

Before he could warn Clarke, about fifteen guards jumped out and surrounded them, weapons pointed to them.

A woman dressed in what must have been royal robes strutted out from an ancient looking building, four guards in front of her.

“I’m sorry, Your Greatness,” Clarke and Bellamy’s prisoner bowed – as well as he could in his state.

“And we’re sorry about the restraints,” Clarke addressed the woman, “but we came here to discuss business.”

“Do not apologise,” the woman reassured, “Xander is a betrayer and a murderer, who knows what he might have done had you let him remain free.”

“Though it seems he sustained more damage than he inflicted,” a boy remarked, stepping out from behind the guards.

Clarke stepped in front of Bellamy who had somehow become the subject of the boy’s watchful gaze. “Self-defence,” she informed.

“Oh, I’m sure,” he grinned. “I’m Cassio,” he reached his hand out.

She took it begrudgingly, “Clarke.”

Cassio turned to Bellamy expectantly, but he gave the boy nothing.

“This is Bellamy,” she gestured.

“Nice to meet you, Bellamy,” Cassio smiled. Bellamy saw right through his polite charade though, he was about to retort when Clarke stepped in again.

“I don’t mean to be rude, but we did come here for a reason.”

“Of course,” the woman spoke again, Cassio immediately dipped his head, stepping back. “Please, come inside.”

Clarke glanced at Bellamy, he knew what she was thinking. _Awfully welcoming considering we’re supposed to be at war_. Nevertheless, they followed the woman and her guards inside, Cassio bringing up the rear. Bellamy wasn’t sure what it was, but something about the guy made him uneasy, so he made sure to put himself between the boy and Clarke.

“Sit,” she gestured to a large, round table in the middle of the otherwise sparse room. They did as they were told.

“We apologise for arriving unannounced but,” Clarke glanced around the room, “well, as you know, we came to this planet a few years ago and it seemed your people and mine had come to an understanding – we stick to the paths outlined and only hunt in specific areas of the woods, and you let us live in peace.”

“Yes,” the woman nodded, “that was still the understanding as I was aware, until Xander came and delivered your declaration of war.”

“Well, some of our people went missing, and well… we left to find them. Xander here,” she gestured to the man in chains, “helped us find them, but then he escaped and ran back to our camp, telling our people we had been slaughtered by yours. They were understandably upset, hence the war declaration.”

“Just a little upset?” Cassio piped up sarcastically.

“That’s quite enough, Cassio,” the woman scolded.

“Amends, Your Greatness,” he dipped his head again.

“Granted.”

Bellamy and Clarke exchanged a look, _what the hell have we walked into?_

The woman grimaced, “while I do appreciate your circumstances, that does not change the fact that your people have declared war, and we intend to answer that declaration.” She let her words sink in before suddenly speaking again, “Oh, my, I have not given you my name yet. You may call me Amaya.”

“Listen, _Amaya_ ,” Bellamy began but Clarke cut him off with a warning look.

“We don’t want war, ok?”

Amaya looked between the two, “I’m very sorry, my people do.”

Bellamy had to admit, she had a damn good poker face. It was nothing compared to Clarke’s practiced politician’s smile though.

“You say that,” Clarke’s voice was even – he’d even call it warm if he didn’t know any better. “But looking around your _beautiful_ village, none of the people I saw through the windows looked like soldiers.” Bellamy cursed himself, he hadn’t even thought to look through the windows. “You clearly have a small army of elite guards, and I respect that they are clearly trained in combat. But I don’t think you quite understand who you’re dealing with. We are an army of twelve hundred strong, each and every single one of us trained to kill.” She was damn good. Unfortunately, the other woman was too.

“For someone who doesn’t war, you seem to be doing an awful lot of threatening.” her voice was full of mock-concern, “but I may assure you; in the short time you have spent in this village, you have not even scratched the surface of our combative forces.”

Cassio snorted, loud enough for only Clarke to hear.

Her cheeks pinched the way they did when she was trying not to scream, Bellamy reached out and stroked her hand reassuringly. “I take that to mean you don’t wish to renegotiate for peace?”

Amaya’s smile fell, a venomous smirk taking its place, “you are correct.”

“I will give you four days to go home and relay this message to your people. I do hope you don’t fall prey to the beasts on your journey back.”

“The beasts?” Clarke stuttered.

“Crocotta, dryads, harpies, eidola,” she began to list names of beings that sounded desperately familiar to Bellamy.

“No,” Clarke shook her head vehemently, “please, I’m sure we can work something out.”

“We can try for a trade,” Cassio surprised everyone by turning to Amaya and pleading.

She looked affronted, “what could they have that we could possibly want.”

“Fine,” he sighed. Turning to Clarke, he pulled a piece of paper from his back pocket, “you may have one of our maps, I’m sure they’re much more detailed than what you have.”

Bellamy bristled, “our maps are fine, thanks.” He turned to Clarke, “c’mon, let’s go. Clearly peace is not an option with these people.”

She looked dismayed but nodded solemnly, following him out onto the streets and out the gate.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ooft, time to gear tf up for war. next chapter: some serious s1 vibes (in case i wasn't already giving those off)


	11. No Rest For The Wicked Til We Close Our Eyes For Good

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello, friends! so, i went and re-read this entire thing for like,,, the first time ever and _woah_ those early chapters are shitty af, so big thanks to all y'all who stuck through and are still here. speaking of shitty writing, i also noticed the quality of the content i'm writing has been dropping the last few chapters SO: i have a) made this chapter a little longer than usual (roughly 3.5k, i'm p sure) and b) gone and begun reworking all of the stuff i had written for the rest of this fic. basically this is just me acknowledging that this isn't exactly the mona lisa of fanfiction but promising that it will ( ~~hopefully~~ ) get better.
> 
> also hella yeet but i kinda put our girl through the wars this chapter.
> 
> title is from Ain’t No Rest For The Wicked by Cage The Elephant
> 
> disclaimer: i don’t know fighting shit

Clarke and Bellamy had been home two days and already, she felt drained. The ‘peace talks’ with the Sanctum leaders had not gone the way they had hoped at all, and now they were home and preparing for a war they would never be ready for. A war they were sure to lose. Needless to say, the stress was starting to get to her. She was snapping at Madi and Raven, skipping meals, and just generally avoiding human contact.

She knew what Raven and Abby said behind her back, when they thought she wasn’t listening. They thought she was going back, back to the way things were before, before Bellamy returned. The truth was though, things never really changed in the first place. Sure, Clarke started eating more and going to bed every night – she rarely slept though, unless Bellamy or Madi were with her – but she never felt any different. She was still so tired and angry, all the time. And it was so draining.

Which was why, when Murphy had made a joke about Madi being ‘Clarke 2.0’, she had lashed out. And it was why she was now sitting in the bathroom with her back against the stall door, hurling her guts into a toilet.

After yet another round of pouring yesterday’s breakfast out and flushing it down, Clarke distantly heard the door swing open and closed. She desperately tried to shut her stall door before the person saw her but it was too late.

“Clarke?”

 _Oh, fuck_. Just her luck that Raven would be the one to walk in on her puking her guts out.

“Hey, Clarke, talk to me.”

“Little busy,” she gurgled.

Raven ran over and quickly pulled her short hair back, wrapping a tied piece of elastic around it. She started stroking Clarke’s back, “hey. Hey, you’re ok.”

“No,” she sobbed, “I’m not.”

“You’re going to be ok, though.”

“How do you know that?”

Raven smiled sadly, “because you have me, and Madi, and your mom.” Then she grinned, leaning over to whisper, “and Bellamy.”

“Fuck off,” Clarke mumbled.

She laughed heartily, “there’s the Clarke I know.”

Clarke rolled her eyes, sitting up. “Yeah, yeah. I think I’m ok now.”

“You sure?” She nodded. “Good,” Raven hit her on the arm.

“Ow! What the hell, Raven!” she rubbed the newly forming bruise.

“That’s for scaring the shit out of me! I thought we were past this!”

Clarke sighed, “we are, Raven. It’s not what you think it is.”

“Then what is it? Huh?”

“It’s… stress.”

“And you’re sure it’s just that and not… well, anything else.”

She softened, “yes, Raven, I promise.”

Raven visibly relaxed, “ok, I believe you.”  
“Can you promise me something?”

“Depends,” she answered frankly.

“Can you not tell anyone about this? Not Madi, not mom, and _especially_ not Bellamy.”

“Why?”

“Well I don’t want mom to freak out, and I don’t want to scare Madi. And Bellamy… well, you know what he’s like.”

She chuckled, “yeah, I do. Ok, I won’t tell them.”

“Thanks, Raven.”

“Just promise you’ll take better care of yourself, alright?”

She silently agreed and Raven wrapped her into a one-armed side-hug.

\---

Bellamy peeked inside Clarke’s room, he didn’t want to disturb her if she was sleeping. Glancing around, he spotted Madi lying on the other side of her curled up in a ball. _Stupid Bellamy_ , he scolded himself, _of course Madi would be with her, they’ve been separated for weeks_.

He was about to slip back out when Clarke groaned and shifted.“Bellamy?”

He cursed silently, “sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you.”

She sat up, “what are you doing here?”

“I, uh…” _what the fuck did he say now?_

“Can’t you sleep?”

“No,” he admitted a little sheepishly.

“Come here,” she pat the spot on the bed next to her.

“But Madi…”

“is asleep and won’t care anyway. C’mon,

Bellamy, I’m not letting you go now if you’re not going to sleep.”

He relented, shutting the door behind him and crawling into bed next to her.

“Thanks,” he whispered against her neck as his arms took their position around her waist.

“Of course,” she whispered back.

\---

“Hey.”

Bellamy woke up to Clarke’s blond hair falling in his face as she stood, leaning over him.

“Hey,” he groaned, sitting up. “What time is it?”

She bit her lip, “don’t worry about that. You’ve got guard duty in thirty minutes though, I brought you some coffee and a change of clothes.”

Bellamy frowned in confusion, receiving the mug and taking a tentative sip.

“What’s with all this?”

“All what?” she asked innocently.

“Bringing me coffee, getting my clothes, letting me sleep in?”

She looked away, refusing to meet his eyes, “I just thought you could use a break, even if it was only for a couple hours. Things have been so crazy lately, you’ve barely had a second to just stop and rest.”

He got up, walking over to her and enveloping her in a warm hug. “Neither have you,” he murmured into her hair, burying his face in it. She didn’t reply, just letting out a long exhale and wrapping her arms around his waist.

Bellamy could feel the tension in Clarke’s body coming undone under his arms, so he tightened his grip and she sighed into his chest. It was moments like these that Bellamy felt the inklings of something more on the horizon. He felt the possibility of all of his unreciprocated emotions maybe being not so unreciprocated, the possibility of having a future with Clarke. A future where they were even more than they were right now.

And then the door broke open and she jerked out of his embrace, sniffing and pulling on the hem of her shirt, straightening it in a movement he recognise all too well. She was embarrassed. _Of course_ , she was, _he told himself, you were just gripping onto her for dear life._

“Sorry,” Raven averted her eyes, knowing she’d just walked in on a private moment, “Kane just sent me to find Bellamy and tell him his shift starts soon.”

“I’ll be right out,” he told her and she nodded, closing the door and walking out. “I should probably…” he gestured vaguely to the pile of clothes Clarke had brought him.

“Oh, right! Sorry, I’ll just get going. See you later maybe?”

He nodded once, trying to hide the disappointment he felt at watching her go again. _Stupid, Bellamy_ , he scolded himself, _you’ll literally see her again in six hours._

 

His shift passed mostly uneventfully, watching the perimeter for a few hours and then leaving to train some more of the Eligius crew.

Whilst he was teaching them a new manoeuvre he’d learnt from Echo on the ring, he spotted a blond head appear at the door.

Most of the crew didn’t really seem to understand, so he asked for a volunteer to demonstrate.

“I’ll do it,” Clarke called from the doorway, a huge grin on her face.  
He narrowed his eyes suspiciously.

“Alright, but no funny business,” he pointed a warning finger.

She winked, “no promises.” Before he had a chance to protest, she stood in front of him on the mat, “ok, what am I doing?”

“Just take up a defensive position and I’ll demonstrate the manoeuvre.”

She nodded, spreading her feet apart and raising her fists. He lunged out with his right fist – a distraction – before wrapping around behind her to kick her legs out from beneath her. She saw it coming though, following his movements and catching his leg when he stuck it out. She grabbed his thigh and grinned, giving it a hard yank and sending him sprawling on his back. He grunted as he hit the floor, hitting his head hard, and she immediately followed, pinning him with a knee at each side and her hands on his arms. Her hips sat on his, stopping his legs from moving anywhere.

His vision began to clear and he looked up to see her piercing blue eyes gazing down at his triumphantly. There was something else in her eyes though, behind the teasing and the victory, but before he had a chance to properly identify it, his students were clapping and she flicked her head up to smile at them.

She released his arms, sitting back on his hips and Bellamy prayed to god she couldn’t feel what it did to him. If she did, she didn’t mention it, simply explaining what she’d done to take him down.

“Azgeda fighting is not outwardly aggressive,” she informed them, “it is sneaky, and deceptive. It works very well against someone who is not acquainted with Azgeda techniques – but for someone who is, like me, it becomes very easy to see past the disguise and spot your next move. If you are ever fighting someone who is well acquainted with grounder fighting – which I should hope none of you ever are – it’s really best to avoid using familiar tactics. Remember; always assume your opponent knows all the techniques you are fighting with, and never get cocky-”  
Just as she said those words, Bellamy reached up, landing a swift hit to her gut and winding her. When she winced, he took the opportunity and flipped her over, pinning her in a very similar way to what she had done to him.

“What was that about never getting cocky, Princess?” he whispered.  
She blushed and he figured it was because he had bested her and kind of embarrassed her in front of all these Eligius prisoners – she’d embarrassed him first though, so she’d kinda had it coming. He glanced down and noticed her had eyes darkened. Bellamy coughed – suddenly remembering the conversation they’d had when she was drunk. He’d done the sexy voice again. He quickly stood up, reaching a hand out to her. She took it, shaking her head and avoiding his eyes.

He cleared his throat, turning back to face his students, “so, I think that’s it for today. I’ll see you all same time, next week.”

“You really shouldn’t teach them such predictable techniques,” she remarked once they’d all cleared out.

“Yeah, well we’re training them to fight the Sanctumites, not our own people. Plus, this is about as advanced as we’ve been able to teach them so far. The most training most of these guys have ever had is getting into bar fights every Friday night back on Earth, before the bombs.”

\---

Miller stood at his post, his mind a little more focused and his grip a little tighter on his gun than usual. There was an actual threat to be worried about now, something to look out for when he gazed at the seemingly unending expanse of woods before him. Just as he thought that, a figured seemed to materialise.

“Why’s it always me?” he muttered to himself before raising his gun and pointing it at the figure. “Identify yourself,” he barked.

The figure stepped forward further and Miller realised that it was a woman, one he had never seen before.

“Stop where you are!” he commanded.

The woman stopped, opening her mouth to speak. “I’m unarmed,” she reassured him as he requested back-up over his walkie-talkie.

He ran up to the woman once his back-up arrived, quickly patting her down.

“I wish to speak with your leaders,” she repeated for the millionth time, “I was sent by Amaya, I have a message for your leaders.”

“I don’t think so,” he told her harshly, once he was sure she wasn’t concealing a weapon anywhere. Before he could send her back to where she came from though, Clarke was rushing forward, pushing past him. _Jesus Christ_ , he thought, _she can never just let him do his job_.

“Someone told me there was a woman at the gate asking for me and Bellamy?” she addressed Miller. He sighed in resignation, pointing to the woman.

“My name is Quintia,” she told Clarke, “I have a message from Amaya for you and your partner.”

“Well my partner is currently pre-occupied and there’s no way in hell you’re getting inside so you can just tell me here, thanks.” Miller had to hand it to her, Clarke didn’t pull any punches, getting straight to the point.

Quintia looked annoyed but finally resigned, “she says she’s open to renegotiation, but she will only speak with the one you call Madi.”

Clarke snorted, “that’s likely. Amaya obviously knows who Madi is, so she must know I would never let that happen. Now, why are you really here?”

Quintia looked around, shifting uncomfortably, “I’m not sure what you m-”

“Listen,” Clarke snarled, “I’m running on no food and minimal sleep, so you better get to the point before I get Miller here to blow your brains out.” He raised his gun, levelling his gaze to show that he stood with Clarke and would follow through on her threat if she asked.

Quintia opened her mouth to speak but before she could, Clarke cut her off again.“And make it quick, I’ve got shit to do.”

Quintia glared, working her jaw in a movement that looked very familiar to Miller, he glanced over to Clarke, knowing she must’ve seen the familiarity of it as well. If she did, she didn’t show it.

“That was all I came to say,” she said finally, moving to leave. She turned back again, blatantly ignoring Miller. “Thank you for letting me speak.” She reached out to take Clarke’s hand, Clarke gave it reluctantly. After shaking hands, the woman turned to leave again, walking off the way she came.

“That was fucking weird,” Clarke muttered.

Miller nodded in agreement.

“Let me know if you spot anything else weird, will you?”

He nodded again, “of course.”

“And you,” she turned back to the rest of the guards, “make sure to keep a good eye out. We’re at war, remember.”

“About that,” one of the new cadets spoke up, “are we actually doing anything to prepare for the war?”

Clarke glared. _Wow_ , Miller thought, _she obviously wasn’t joking when she said she’d had no food or sleep_.

“What’s your name?” she snapped.

The cadet stood up proudly, saluting,

“Cadet Stanley, ma’am.”

“Firstly, cadet, don’t call me ma’am. Second, you need not worry yourself with what we are doing to prepare – unless you doubt the quality of the job Bellamy is doing? You think he might be unqualified? Doesn’t know what he’s doing?”

“No, ma’a-”

“Exactly,” she growled, “do you think you could do a better job than him?”

“Of course not, I’m very sorry.”

“That’s what I thought. Now get back to work,” she turned to address the rest of the guards who were watching with wide eyes and jaws hanging loose, “all of you! Go!”

Once they’d all dispersed – pretty quickly after the way she’d torn into that poor cadet – she let out a long exhale.

“Don’t,” she snapped as Miller opened his mouth.

He shut it, waiting before trying to speak again. “You should get some sleep, Clarke,” he said finally.

“I’ll sleep when I’m dead,” she ground out, striding off.

\---

Clarke rubbed her temples again, she’d had a headache for about a week now, but it had seemingly intensified in the last hour – threatening to turn into a full-blown migraine.

“There it goes,” she muttered as she began to see spots in her vision. They only lasted for a couple seconds before fading, Clarke pushed through, determined to carry on despite the little voice in her head that begged her to _just take a damn break, for once in your life_.

“Hey,” Raven waltzed up to her, Clarke slapped on her best fake smile, turning to greet her friend.

“Hey.” It was no use – Raven saw right through her, like always.

“What’s wrong?” she asked, brows immediately creasing in concern.

“Nothing,” Clarke tried to brush her off.

“Hey, talk to me, Griffin.”

Clarke faced her friend, faking nonchalance, “it’s really nothing, just a little headache.”

Raven didn’t say anything at first, just pursing her lips. “You know,” she said quietly, after a while, “taking care of yourself includes taking breaks when you need them.”

“I don’t need a break, Raven, I just need to crack this, ok?”

She tilted her head disbelievingly. “I’ve never bought your lies before, what makes you think I’m going to start now?”

Clarke rolled her eyes, _why could her best friend always see right through her._

“I didn’t get much sleep, alright?” At Raven’s outraged expression Clarke clarified, “not on purpose, just haven’t been able to sleep well recently.”

“Does this inability to sleep maybe have something to do with the fact that Madi is home which means Bellamy is probably sleeping in his own bed?”

“Maybe,” Clarke admitted.

“Wow, you really are out of it. You practically just admitted to being in love with Bellamy.”

“No, I didn’t!” Clarke snapped indignantly.

 _“There’s_ the Clarke I know.”

“Co-dependence is not the same as being in love with someone,” she grumbled.

“And it’s not like I’m not happy to have Madi back – god, not at all. I’m so fucking relieved that she’s home and she’s ok. I just… I miss him, you know? And he slept in my bed the other night when Madi was there too, and it – ok, you’re going to think I’m clinically insane, but for that one night… we felt like a little family.”

“Are you fucking kidding me?” Clarke was shocked at the outrage in her tone.

“Finally! We’ve only been saying that for the last four fucking years – give or take those one hundred years in cryo where we were definitely sleep-thinking it.”

“Saying what? That we’re a family?”

“Yes!” Raven rolled her eyes, “goddamnit, Clarke! We’ve always been like this weir pseudo-family; you, me, Bellamy, Octavia, Murphy, Miller, Jasper, Monty and Harper. And we’ve had a few additions; Echo, Emori – hell, even Indra is basically Octavia’s adoptive mother – but you, Madi and Bellamy; you guys are a _real_ family.”

The weight of Raven’s words were too much for Clarke, she could feel the tears welling in her eyes. She scoffed, “y’know Madi isn’t actually, _biologically_ mine – or Bellamy’s, for that matter.”

Raven rolled her eyes, letting Clarke deflect. “I know. There was a moment, when they first got to the ground, though, that everyone else thought she was.”

Clarke’s eyebrows raised disbelievingly.

“It’s true,” she insisted, “Monty told me! They were all standing around and this little kid – with dark hair like the Blakes, and blue eyes like yours – emerged all dramatic-like from the fog, what the hell else were they supposed to think? And then she recognised Bellamy instantly – even though she’d never even met him before. I mean, _come on_ , Clarke!”

Clarke bit her tongue, she knew the real reason Madi recognised Bellamy immediately. It wasn’t just because she drew him a lot – after all, he’d looked very different to how she’d remembered him – no, it was because, of all the stories she used to tell, the ones about Bellamy were her favourite. Madi would constantly ask for stories about _Skairipa_ , the badass warrior, and Clarke would always find a way to sneak in hints of Bellamy – mostly involuntarily, but occasionally on purpose. She wanted Madi to know what he was like. Secretly, Clarke thought she was trying to communicate something to Madi – if anything ever happened to Clarke, find Bellamy, wait for Bellamy to come down, stick with _Bellamy_. It had come back to bite her in the ass though, as Madi had got it into her head that Clarke was in love with Bellamy – which she was, but she couldn’t dare let anyone else find out, no, she was resigned to a life of quiet, mournful pining.

“Thanks, Raven,” she whispered, her throat closing up with all the emotion.

“You always know how to cheer a gal up,” she smiled.

Raven grinned pulling her in for a side-hug, “anything for my best girl. Besides, if you’re out of commission, who’re we gonna get to talk Bellamy out of his crazy suicide missions, hm?”

Clarke barked out a laugh at that, “true. Now go!” she shoved her friend good-naturedly. “Go on, get outa here. I’m gonna get changed and have a nap.”

“Good,” Raven scolded, but the smile was still on her face.

\---

Bellamy yawned, walking down the long hallway, feeling far off. His mind wandered to nothing in particular, it was a peaceful kind of nothing that Bellamy hadn’t felt in a long time. He knew it was all going to come crashing down soon, but for now, it was pretty beautiful.  
He was about to turn the corner when Raven came running from the other direction.

“Woah,” he raised his hands to get her attention, “slow down. Where are you rushing off to?”

“Clarke!” she panted and Bellamy’s blood turned to ice. Raven opened her mouth to explain further but Bellamy cut her off.

“Where?” his voice was firm, desperately holding back all the emotion he felt.

“Come,” she instructed, running off again. He followed without question, desperate to get to wherever Clarke was and find out what happened to her.

When they finally got to medbay, Bellamy practically collapsed at Clarke’s bedside.  
She reached out tentatively, “Bellamy?”

“I’m here,” he leaned forward to take her hand but she yanked it away.

“No, don’t touch me.”

He frowned, “Clarke, what’s going on?”

“We were waiting for the Sanctumites to strike, right?” He nodded, not following.

“Biological warfare,” she coughs. “Shoulda fucking seen _that_ one coming, huh?”

His whole body went rigid, he remembered the moment he had walked into the dropship to find Clarke hunched over Murphy, blood dripping from her eyes. He remembered it as clear as day, the only thing he remembered better was the fear, _he couldn’t do it without her._ He couldn’t then and he still couldn’t now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oooooooo, _plot-twist_. how you like them apples?


	12. The Smile That You Gave Me (Even When You Felt Like Dying)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry it's late. if y'all are following my tumblr y'all know what the fuck's up. and what the fuck's up is that i'm just really not loving this fic at the moment (idrk what it is but i just,,, don't like it) so editing is real hard because most of my brain is just screaming 'delete it all, it all sucks'  
> anyway, here it is, a day late and pretty shit.
> 
> ALSO, SO. I FIRST DRAFTED THIS CHAPTER _AGES_ AGO (bc sicfics are really hard for me, ok?) AND THEN THEY WENT AND DID THAT WHOLE ASS EPISODE (6x10 obvi) WHICH WAS GENUINELY JUST A CULMINATION OF THE BEST OF BELLARKE FANFIC AND I'M MAD BUT ALSO REALLY NOT BC HOLY SHIT WHAT A GOOD EP, RIGHT?? ALSO ONE OF MY AO3 FAVS JUST PUT OUT A CHAPTER OF THEIR STORY AND IT IS ALSO VERY SICFIC AND IT'S MORE THAN I COULD EVER HOPE TO LIVE UP TO AND AGAIN, I'M MAD BUT REALLY NOT BECAUSE IT WAS SUCH A GOOD CHAPTER AND THERE WAS SO MUCH FLUFF AND AAAHHHH.  
>  
> 
> title from i love you by Billie Eilish  
> ok so remember when I used this song for a title in chapter five and I said – and I quote – “i'll probably get to a chapter later that suits it perfectly and ill wish i hadnt used it here but oh well”? yeah well, welcome to that chapter. HOWEVER I decided to use it again anyway bc I make the rules, bitch

Bellamy had been yelling at Miller for the last half hour and, to be entirely honest, Miller was kind of over it.

“And you just let this woman talk to Clarke _alone_?!”

“She wasn’t alone, Bellamy, Miller was right there,” Jackson cut in angrily, not enjoying watching his boyfriend get interrogated.

“It’s ok, Jackson,” Miller reassured him, not wanting Bellamy’s wrath to be directed towards him.

“No,” Bellamy snapped, “it’s fucking not.” He gestured wildly to behind him where the hallway to the medbay was. “Clarke is in there, and she’s sick and suffering and _you_ could’ve prevented that if you’d just done your fucking job!”

“Hey,” Jackson cut in again, “this is _not_ his fault, don’t pretend it is. I get you’re mad, Bellamy, I get you’re scared, but don’t you dare take it out on Nate.”

“I’m not scared,” he replied indignantly. The shake in his voice gave him away, though.

“Listen, man,” Miller sighed, turning to clap his best friend on the shoulder, “she’s going to be ok, Abby’s going to take care of her. She’s going to figure out whatever the hell this thing is, and then she’s going to figure out how to cure it.” Miller knew he could – in no way, shape, or form – guarantee any of the words he was saying, and he had a feeling Bellamy knew that too, but it seemed to ease him a little.

Then Jackson uttered four words that struck absolute fear into Miller’s core. “And so will I.”

“I’m sorry,” he turned to face Jackson, “you’ll _what_?”

Bellamy took that as his cue to slip out, presumably going back to try and get past Abby to see Clarke again.

Jackson sighed, “c’mon, Nate, I’m a doctor, I have to help.”

“Like hell you do. I don’t want you anywhere _near_ whatever the hell this fucking disease is.”

“Nate, c’mon,” Jackson pleaded.

“No,” he shook his head, “I’m sorry, but I’m not ok with this. At all.”

“I understand you’re scared, Nate,”

“Ok, no. Don’t fucking Bellamy me.”

“Listen, Nate, I’m a doctor and I’m going to help. I’m sorry if you have an issue with that but I have not only a legal, but an ethical duty, to help Clarke and the rest of the patients.”

Miller huffed, he was pretty sure ‘have an issue with it’ was a wild understatement, but he also understood what Jackson was saying. He had the Hippocratic oath and all to think about. Also he was Jackson, which meant he had to help – consequences to himself and others be damned.

\---

Bellamy sat outside the medbay, leg bouncing anxiously. He was so tired, he hadn’t slept in five days – the amount of time Clarke had been locked in the quarantine room with the rest of the patients – which had come to include Raven and Murphy, but somehow not Miller or Bellamy. He suspected that some people might be immune to the disease, but he couldn’t be sure whether or not that was a genuine theory or whether it was just something cooked up by his sleep deprived brain.

He jumped up as Abby walked past.

“Not right now, Bellamy,” she warned before he could even speak.

“Just let me see her, Abby,” he begged, “I’ll wear a mask, a bio suit, I’ll take a bath in sanitiser after.”

“I’ve told you before,” she shook her head, not stopping, “I can’t let you in there. The risk of spreading the disease is too great.”

“Better yet,” he continued on as if she hadn’t even spoken, “just lock me in there with her. I won’t come out until it’s cured, promise.”

This made Abby pause. Finally, she sighed, “you’re really not going to let this go, are you?”

“I need to see her,” he trembled.

She shook her head, muttering to herself, “I’m going to regret this. Follow me,” she said a little louder.

He jumped up as she walked into the decontamination room he’d been watching her and Jackson constantly come in and out of.

She practically threw a surgical mask and pair of gloves at him, “put these on.”

He did as instructed, eagerly snapping the gloves over his wrists and tucking the straps of the mask behind his ears.

“Through here,” she gestured to the door he’d been staring at for the last five days. He nodded, swallowing and stepping through.

Immediately, he spotted her blond head as she bent over, coughing. Abby was beginning to explain how, although he was masked and gloved, he should still avoid contact with infected patients when he ran up to Clarke, reaching out and holding her as the coughs wracked through her body.

Clarke sighed and leaned into his touch, not even having to look up to know whose arms were wrapped around her. The last five days in quarantine, not being allowed to touch anyone – not even her best friend and mother who were in here with her – had made Clarke extremely touch-starved, to the point she had forgotten how comforting it was to be held in the warm embrace of someone you loved.

“Bellamy, what are you doing here?” she asked, reluctantly wrenching herself from his grip.

“I came in to see you,” he answered like it were the most obvious thing in the world.

“You shouldn’t be here, you’ll get sick.”

“I don’t care.” The emotion in his voice almost made Clarke flinch, she honestly sometimes didn’t understand how this man could care so much about her. What was so special about Clarke that Bellamy would risk infection and possibly death just to see her?

“Bellamy,” she tilted her head in sympathy, hand coming up to rest on his cheek, “I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if I got you sick.”

“You’re not going to get me sick,” he told her forcefully.

“Yes,” she withdrew her hand, only just realising the potential contagion of skin-to-skin contact, “I will.” And as much as it pained her, she lay down and turned away from him, choosing to face the back wall rather than face her feelings.

“Clarke,” he begged.

“You shouldn’t be here, Bellamy,” she repeated.

\---

Bellamy lay in the bed next to Clarke’s for the next few days, watching helplessly as she got sicker and sicker.

“Please, Abby,” he urged, “she’s getting worse, you have to do something!”

“Don’t you think I’m trying!” she snapped. “You’re not the only one who loves Clarke, so stop acting like you are!”

He flinched, “really? That’s what this is about? The whole ‘you’re not good enough for my daughter’ bullshit?”

“Frankly? Yes. You’re not good enough for Clarke.”

“I don’t give a fucking _shit_ whether or not you think I’m _good enough_ for your daughter, or whatever bullshit, and neither should you because she is _dying_! And you need to do something about it!”

She opened her mouth to retort but Clarke got there first, rolling over. Her voice was scratchy as she spoke, “please stop fighting.” It was the most words she’d said to him the last three days, and she hadn’t even really spoken specifically to him.

“Clarke,” Abby immediately jumped into action, “sit up, have some water.”

“No, mom,” she shoved away the cup Abby presented to her, “I don’t want water.”

Abby again opened her mouth to protest but Bellamy cut in, “Give it to me.”

Abby reluctantly handed him the cup and he sat beside Clarke, the bed sagging under his weight.

“Please?” he begged quietly, handing it to her.

She relented, accepting it and taking a hesitant sip. Abby threw her hands up and tutted before stalking off.

“This feels familiar,” she quipped.

“Too familiar,” he remarked and she made a noise of assent, taking another slow sip.

They sat like that for a few minutes, the only sound in the empty room being Clarke’s shallow breathing and occasional contented sigh.

After a moment, Clarke broke the silence, “god, I’m fucking tired.”

He laughed, “then go to sleep.”

She gave him a disapproving look, “it’s two in the afternoon.”

“So? You’re sick, you get a pass.”

She hummed, “yeah, I guess. I dunno, it’s not like a physical tiredness, you know?”

He nodded, “I get you. More like… emotional exhaustion?”

“Exactly!” she agreed. “Emotional exhaustion, that’s a good word for it.”

“You know,” he began, “they say emotional exhaustion is often a sign of repressed emotions.”

“Oh really? Who’s they?”

He shrugged. After a beat he swung around to face her, a mischievous grin on his face, “what feelings are you repressing, Princess?”

She stared up at him, at his unfairly gorgeous self. _How did he not know? How did he not know how fucking beautiful he was? How did he not know how desperately in love with him she was?_

She swallowed. “None.” It was a bold-faced lie.

He seemed to realise he’d slowly been leaning into her and straightened himself back up, a small part of Clarke wished he hadn’t – _ok, that was a lie, a big part of her wished it_.

“Me neither,” he said, as if she had been in doubt. Bellamy Blake didn’t repress his emotions, not around her at least. He was her heart, always beating, feeling, loving. Always open.

“Maybe I _will_ go to sleep,” she murmured, mostly to herself. Bellamy seemed to think she was kicking him out because he began to stand up. Her hand shot out fast – too fast – as she reached helplessly for anything to anchor him to her. “Please,” she whispered, “stay.”

He sat back down immediately and she was silently grateful. “Always.”

“Can you lie with me til I fall asleep?” she asked quietly, secretly ashamed to be so outwardly needy. Oh well, it was like he said – she was sick, she got a pass.

“Of course,” his voice was as soft as ever. He lay down, pulling her with him as he wrapped his arms around her waist. She felt extremely guilty for the high contamination risk she was currently posing to him, but she figured if he were going to get sick, it would’ve happened in the three days he’d been eating, sleeping and breathing in the bed next to her.

“Go to sleep, Clarke,” he whispered softly, stroking her forehead as his deep breaths lulled her to sleep.

 

Bellamy woke to the small figure curled under his arms trembling, he stirred for a moment before realising what was happening. Clarke was curled up in the foetal position, looking tiny as ever wrapped in his bear arms, her body wracking with coughs.

“Clarke,” he tentatively rolled her over to face him.

“I’m sorry,” she managed, “didn’t mean to,” _hack_ , “wake you.”

“Oh my god, Clarke, why _didn’t_ you wake me?”

“I’m fine,” she strained. As she said that though, another terrible fit took over her body. She shook and trembled and he saw how pale and sweaty she was and cursed himself for not waking earlier. _How long had she been like this?_

“Bellamy, I don’t feel too great,” she admitted. He reached a hand up to her forehead and jerked it away in surprise.

“Clarke, you’re burning up!”

“The fever must be taking over my body,” she murmured, mostly to herself.

“Clarke, can you sit up?”

Before she could reply, she started to convulse violently. Bellamy paled as Clarke’s eyes rolled into the back of her head.

“Clarke!” he called out desperately, sweeping her back into his arms, “c’mon, Clarke! Please!” He looked around frantically but there was no one. “Abby!” he called into the hallway, hoping she’d hear. His prayers were answered as the frail woman came bursting through the door.

“Oh, Clarke!” she exclaimed. “What happened?”

“I- I don’t know,” he stuttered, “I just woke up and she was shaking and coughing.” He swallowed his fear, asking the question he was almost sure he didn’t want the answer to. “Is she going to be ok?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> also if anyone wants to check out that fic i mentioned above (which, please do, you won't regret it) the link is [HERE](https://archiveofourown.org/works/18887521/chapters/44831938).  
> it's basically a zombie apocalypse au and it has hella heart and head metaphors, ancient greece nerd bellamy blake, much soft bellarke, but also hella badassery. it's seriously fucking amazing, go check it out now.
> 
> and again, my tumblr: @[bellarke-trashh](https://bellarke-trashh.tumblr.com)


	13. Neon Gravestones Try To Call For My Bones

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sickness has an odd way of bringing people together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> what up, friends! how fucking _epic_ was tonight's ep!! 
> 
> also so, funny story: i actually have a beta now, yay! but i was so eager to upload this chapter in honour of bob's directorial debut (and what a goddamn amazing debut, right???) that i didn't send it to her to look at but _next_ chapter will probably be beta'ed xx (which hopefully means no more of my dumb spelling/grammatical mistakes and just generally better quality content)
> 
>  _also_ i've decreed that this chapter is also a bellarke bingo fic, the prompt is Clarke POV
> 
> chapter title from Neon Gravestones by Twenty Øne Piløts. go listen to this song. NOW. it’s seriously amazing and the lyrics are extremely poignant and really reflect some of the toxic views society can have towards mental illness

Clarke screamed and writhed in her sleep, nightmares taunting her as the disease took hold of her mind. She called out the names of those she’d lost, those she’d killed, those she could’ve saved but didn’t. She heard them calling to her too, she tried to reach them, tried to bring them back into being. But you couldn’t will someone back to life.

 _Come on, Clarke_ , she heard a different voice call out. This one seemed distant, like there was an inexplicable barrier between it and her. _Fight_ , the voice begged. _Please, for me, fight_. It was getting clearer now. She gasped as her eyes snapped open, immediately taking in her surroundings. Sitting above her was Bellamy, his eyes were so full of tears he didn’t even see her wake.

“Please, I can’t lose you again.”

“I’m here,” she croaked out, reaching out to touch him, “I’m here.” He choked a sigh of relief and immediately bowed his head so that their foreheads were touching.

“Thank you,” he sobbed. She tried to sit up but found that she couldn’t. “Hey, hey. Take it easy, ok?”

She opened her mouth to speak but was wracked with a terrible cough. He quickly and gently flipped her on her side again as thick, black liquid started to pool at her lips and drip out of her mouth. She was hacking up blood, she realised. Bellamy simply stared in horror, he’d never seen anyone cough up nightblood before, and it was not something he wanted to see again.

“You’re ok,” he reassured her, gently rubbing her back. “Just take it easy. Can you sit up?” he asked finally after she stopped coughing.

She nodded, “I think so.” She could. She had to shift her weight a bit so she was essentially just leaning on Bellamy, but she managed to scooch until she was sitting up, her back pressed against the wall.

“You really fucking scared me there,” he breathed.

“Sorry,” she smiled sadly.

“It’s ok,” he repeated, “you’re ok.”

“No,” she shook her head firmly, “I’m not.”

“Clarke-”

“Bellamy, it’s getting worse. No one has any idea what this disease is, no one has any idea how to cure it. I’m going to die, Bellamy,” she said the words with so much finality it made him want to cry.

“No, you aren’t, I won’t let that happen.”

“Oh, Bell,” she sighed, reaching up to caress his cheek, “there’s nothing you can do.”

He swallowed down the bile raising in his throat, _how could she accept her death like this? how could she be this ok with leaving him?_

“I’m not letting you die, Clarke,” he reiterated, needing to drive the point home.

It didn’t seem to resonate with her. “You can’t save me, Bellamy.”

“Yes,” he demanded, “I can! And I will! I’ll figure this out!”

Clarke dropped her hand and looked away, unable to bear the emotion in his eyes as they pierced hers.

“Why are you so ok with the idea of you dying?” he sputtered out.

She looked taken aback, as if she hadn’t even considered it that way. “I’m not.”

“Yes,” he snapped, “you are. And it really sucks for the rest of us who are very much not.”

“I just…” she trailed off, trying to find the words to verbalise how she felt, “everything we’ve been through… we should all be dead. It’s crazy that we’ve even survived this long, you know? We’ve lost so many, and yet, we’re still here. How is that possible? The answer is, it’s not. It’s practically impossible and yet we’ve done it, but it won’t last forever. Someday, Death is going to collect.”

He reached out to hold her hands in his, “we’re all going to die someday, Clarke, that doesn’t mean you get to be ok with being sent to an early grave. Because I certainly am not, and I won’t stop until you’re not.”

Clarke tried to formulate a response but her breath hitched and her mind was spinning. All she could manage was a small nod and then he was wrapping his arms around her again and pulling her in tight. She wanted to tell him how much he meant to her, how much he helped, but she couldn’t form the words. So she settled for wrapping her arms back around him and tucking her head into that spot on his shoulder.

 _God, she loved him so much_. And she wished she could stop being such a coward and just say it, but every time she tried, the words got stuck in her throat. _Like now_.

He pulled away finally and Clarke felt his absence like a physical ache, she yearned for his touch again. _Oh shit, she was really in deep_.

“Hmm?” she realises he’d just spoken and she hadn’t even heard him because she was too busy just staring at him.

“I meant it,” he repeated, “I will not stop until you start learning to fight for your own life again.”

Again, she couldn’t quite summon the words so she just nodded. As she nodded though, she began to feel another wave of dizziness and nausea assault her. _Jeez, this whole sickness thing really wasn’t fun_.

“Clarke!” Bellamy called as she started to sway. She began to tip over and his arms automatically darted out to catch her and pull her tight into his chest. _She could get used to this_ , she thought dully.

“This is nice,” she murmured into his taught biceps.

“Yeah, real nice that the fever’s getting to your head and you’re beginning to pass out.”

“I didn’t pass out, dummy,” she corrected him, “I just got a li’l dizzy for a second.”

“Can you sit up now?” he asked.

And you could blame her fever-ridden brain but, although the dizzy spell had completely passed, she whispered hoarsely, “no. Can you just hold me for a minute more?”

“Of course, Clarke. Anything else you need, just ask, ok?”

She made a noise of assent as she buried further into his chest.

“Do you wanna lie down?” he asked after a moment.

She thought for a bit. “Yeah.”

He started to lean back, pulling her gently with him and she landed softly, settling her head deeper into the crook of his neck.

“You should try and get some more sleep,” he whispered into her hair.

“I don’t want to sleep,” she replied, equally as hushed. “Can you talk to me?”

“About what?”

“Don’t know. Don’t care,” she decided. “I just love the sound of your voice.”

He swallowed roughly but, after a moment, cleared his throat and began to speak, “when O was really little and she wouldn’t settle, I used to tell her the story of Antigone. Do you wanna hear it?”

She nodded eagerly against his neck, “yes, please.”

He coughed again and began to recount an ancient-sounding story about a girl who defied her tyrannical king in order to bury her brother’s body for the sake of his honour or something or other. Clarke thought it was an awfully morbid story to tell a little girl, but she admired Antigone’s determination and willingness to die for her cause. Partway through his story, Clarke shivered a little and Bellamy began rubbing her arm in an effort to warm her up. After a while, the rubbing trailed off into tracing light circles up and down her arm. Clarke wasn’t even sure he was aware he was doing it but it felt oddly intimate – not wrong, but definitely more quietly affectionate than they had ever been before.

“Needless to say,” he continued, “Creon was _raging_.”

She chuckled tiredly as his fingers continued their delicate motions. She tried to stifle a yawn, but it broke free.

He paused, “are you tired?”

“A little,” she admitted.

“Is my story that boring?” he quipped.

She was too tired to detect the jest in his tone and quickly jumped to object, “no, of course not, that’s not what I meant-”

“I know what you meant,” he cut her off reassuringly, “I was just teasing.”

“Oh, ok. Good.” She shifted a little, wrapping her arms further around his torso. After a moment, she spoke up again, “Bellamy?”

“Yeah?”

“Could you keep talking while I fall asleep?”

“What about?”

“Can you keep telling me about Antigone?”

He thought for a while then turned back to her, “what if I tell you story about someone else?”

“Ok. Who?”

“It’s about a princess who spent most of her life in space but then one day, she’s sent down to Earth to explore it.”

She grinned, “is there a ruggedly handsome asshole in the story somewhere?”

He rolled his eyes but he was smiling too, “ _of course_.”

“What’s this princess like?”

Bellamy readjusted, pulling Clarke in tighter and tucking her head back into his shoulder. “She’s super brave, and she’s kind, and thoughtful, and she’s clever, so goddamn clever – too clever, one might even say.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah. But most of all, she’s good. There isn’t a lot of good in her world, but _she_ is good.” He smirked and whispered into her hair, “not to mention, she’s gorgeous.”

“Really?” Clarke was shocked by his candid admission.

“Oh, yeah. Unfairly so.”

“I bet the ruggedly handsome asshole is gorgeous too.”

“Eh,” he made a non-committal sound, “he’s alright.”

“No,” she titled her head up to look straight into his eyes, “he’s beautiful.”

He stared back for a moment and it occurred to Clarke that he _really didn’t know_. He coughed, looking away. “Who’s telling the story?” he teased.

“My sincerest apologies, please continue.”

She began to drift off as the low, soft rumble of his voice lulled her to sleep. Just as consciousness began to slip from her fingers, she felt a slight pressure on the crown of her head and realised hazily that Bellamy was pressing gentle kisses to her hair and her heart swelled.

“Good night,” she mumbled sleepily.

“Good night, Princess,” he whispered back, pressing another kiss to the top of her head.

It was around four am when Clarke woke, again wrapped in the arms of the man she loved. _Something was different_ , she noted distantly, and it wasn’t just that things had somehow shifted between her and Bellamy last night. No, there was something else. _Her fever_ , she realised. It had broken!

“Bellamy!” she whispered excitedly, careful not to wake any of the other sleeping patients near them.

“Hmm.” he grumbled in his sleep.

“Bellamy!” she shoved him this time but he still didn’t wake.

She grudgingly removed herself from his grip and he began to come to.

“You ok?” he asked, worry clearing his head.

“I’m fine,” she reassured, “actually, I’m more than fine.”

“What? Clarke, I don’t understan-”

“My fever!” she exclaimed a little too loudly, “it’s gone!”

He pressed a hand to her forehead to confirm and a massive smile broke out across his face when her head felt an almost normal temperature.

“When?”

“I don’t know,” she replied eagerly, “I just woke up and I felt better!”

He barked out a relieved laugh and pulled her back into his arms, wrapping her in a tight bear hug.

“You’re going to be ok,” he whispered breathlessly, sounding more like he was reminding himself. “You’re ok.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> no mackson sightings this chapter, i know  
> i'll get back to them next chapter, i promise, i just wanted this chapter to be (almost) entirely from clarke's pov


	14. I Don't Ever Want To Feel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bridges are built and burnt.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok, so! this chapter was beta'ed by the _lovely_ [charmaine-diyoza](https://charmaine-diyoza.tumblr.com/)! go chuck her a follow on tumblr bc she's a legend and a lifesaver! 
> 
> also, this chapter is a sort of bridge between two sort of plot-heavy sections and there is also a lot of bridge building (and maybe burning? we'll see.) basically, im loading on the bridge metaphors this chapter
> 
> chapter title by Under the Bride by Red Hot Chili Peppers

The days after Clarke recovered were a blur for Bellamy, he barely saw her. Bellamy watched, astounded, as she berated herself for falling sick and spent six days nursing every other patient in the quarantine ward back to health. 

Some days were harder than others. Like the day she woke up to find the eleven-year-old boy Clarke took a real liking to died while she slept. She didn’t sleep for the next two days.

“Clarke, please,” he begged. She finally relented and wrapped herself in a blanket in the corner of the room, still ready to jump into action in case anyone called for her. No one did. Or rather, many people did, but Bellamy quickly shushed them and sought to their needs himself.

Bellamy had just sat down when Raven rushed in – her fever passed soon after Clarke’s.

“Clarke,” Raven’s ponytail whipped around as she looked for her friend. 

“Shh!” Bellamy hushed. “She’s sleeping!” he hissed, but it was too late.

Clarke stirred quietly and peered, bleary-eyed at Raven’s face. “What is it?” she murmured.

“Can I see you in private?” Raven glanced around the room anxiously, eyes landing on Bellamy.

Clarke’s brows furrowed, “Everyone else is asleep. Anything you want to say to me, you can say to Bellamy.”

Raven tilted her head knowingly, eyebrows quirking as she called out her blatant bullshit. “ _ Anything? _ ”

Bellamy was puzzled by Raven’s tone but Clarke seemed to know exactly what she meant.

She swallowed and nodded, “We can go into Decon room 1.”

Clarke sighed and heaved herself up as Raven strode into the room she’d indicated. She gave Bellamy a quick glance,  _ Wait here _ . He nodded.

“What’s up, babe-”

Before she’d even gotten the question out, Raven was on her.

“Ok, so the main reason we can’t negotiate a new peace deal with the Sanctumites is because we had nothing to offer them, right?”

Clarke nodded, not following. “Yeah, and last time I checked, we still don’t.”

“No, but we do!” Raven insisted. “We have something they haven’t been able to get in the two hundred years they’ve been on this damn planet! We have something they probably won’t ever be able to get.”

“Raven,” Clarke said slowly, reaching out and grabbing her friend by the shoulders, “Slow down. You sound like a crazy person.”

“The psychosis.” Raven grinned, “We have a cure for the psychosis!”

Raven’s words took a moment to fully seep into Clarke’s sleep-addled brain. Once they did, a huge smile broke out across her face. 

“Raven Reyes, you’re a  _ genius _ !” She moved to hug her best friend but paused halfway, “Wait, why didn’t couldn’t Bellamy hear this?”

Raven smirked, “Because there’s something else I wanted to discuss with you and I wasn’t really sure you’d want Bellamy present for  _ that _ .”

Clarke knew exactly what she was talking about, “Raven, no. Not right now!”

She looked affronted, scoffing, “You don’t even know what I was going to say!”

“Oh, really?”

“Okay, you know exactly what I’m talking about, but  _ that’s my poi _ -”

“Raven,” Clarke said, more forcefully, “No. We’ve got way more important things to worry about.”

“Like what?”

Clarke didn’t bother to respond. Raven knew exactly what the important things were, she’d just said it. They were at war.

“Anyway,” Clarke pressed, “We should gather the delegates and discuss how to proceed. I don’t think we’ll get away with just striding into their main camp again.”

 

\---

 

Miller grumbled as he rolled over. He was awake, but he didn’t want Murphy to know that. Murphy pounded at the door again, though and Miller could no longer feign sleep.

He was about to get up and swing the door open – maybe deck Murphy in the face if the mood struck him, which he had a feeling it would – when Jackson groaned grumpily. “If you don’t do something about that, I will, and I promise I will  _ not _ be as nice.”

“I’m going, I’m going.” He got up and padded towards the door, swinging it open and staring Murphy down.

“Sorry,” Murphy started, not sounding very apologetic, “But you’re both needed in the lab.”

“Why?”

Murphy sighed tiredly, “Man, if I knew, I’d tell you. But when Raven Reyes comes knocking on your door at three in the morning and demands you gather up ‘all the important people,’ you don’t question her.”

Miller shrugged, “That’s fair. Be there in ten.”

“If you’re not there in five, she’s going to castrate me.”

“Be there in ten,” Miller repeated with a grin. 

After shutting the door on Murphy’s rolling eyes, he nudged Jackson.

“Hmm, what?” he grumbled.

“Our presence is requested.”

“That sounds fancy,” Jackson mumbled sleepily, rolling over and pulling the covers further up.

“C’mon, babe, I don’t wanna go either, but we have to.”

Jackson exhaled heavily before kicking the covers off grumpily and sitting up. “You owe me.”

“Is that a promise?” Miller winked. Jackson shook his head, smiling as he pulled on his boots.

As they strode in, Miller spied Bellamy sitting in a chair in the corner, leg jittering. He immediately strode over to his friend.

“Hey,” Miller greeted as he approached the obviously antsy Bellamy.

“Hey, thanks for being here on such short notice, guys,” Bellamy nodded to him and Jackson.

“Of course,” Jackson smiled, “It’s important, right?” His tone was reassuring but Miller could also hear the warning underneath it,  _ this better be important _ .

“Extremely,” Raven interrupted, walking in the door looking like she’d had enough coffee to keep herself awake through to the next century. 

“I’m sorry about the circumstances under which we’ve gathered you here tonight,” she rushed, “But what we have to tell you just couldn’t wait.”

“What exactly is it that you have to tell us?” Murphy piped up. “Not that I don’t enjoy being woken up at three am and forced to gather all our friends in here – not to mention, dealing with all of them bitching and moaning the whole time.”

Emori nudged him. “I think you’ll live, John,” she quipped.

Clarke cut off Murphy’s inevitable snarky reply, “We think we might have a way to stop the war.”

All conversation in the room stopped as they all soaked in her words.

It was Octavia who spoke first, “How?”

Raven and Clarke exchanged a look, Clarke nodded.

“Are you sure?” Raven asked.

“If we can’t trust our friends, who can we trust?”

Raven seemed to take her point. “What we’re about to say doesn’t leave this room, okay?”

Once she had stared down everyone in the room, seemingly satisfied, she took a deep breath. “The psychosis cure. We’re hoping that a chance to avoid chaining themselves up every couple of months will be enough to renegotiate for peace.”

“And if they don’t want to take the deal?” Jackson asked.

Neither Clarke nor Raven said anything. In fact, it was Bellamy who stood up and declared, “Then we go to war, as we’ve been planning. But if we have a chance to do better, to take the non-violent route… to  _ stop the cycle _ , then we should take it.”

This resonated with everyone, Jasper’s words conjuring memories tinged with happiness and pain.

“How will you deliver the message?” Emori asked.

Her question caused Bellamy and Clarke to draw each other’s gazes.

Raven’s eyes went wide as she realised she’d been set up. “You already told him!”

“I had to!” Clarke protested. “You were busy getting everyone else here and he kept pestering me!”

“I don’t pester,” Bellamy interrupted indignantly.

Everyone sent him a disbelieving look and he huffed,“Well, fuck you all.”

Raven centred the conversation back to the issue at hand, “Can we focus up, here? I know what you two are planning, and it’s not happening.”

“We’re not planning anything,” Clarke replied innocently.

Murphy snorted, “False. You two are  _ always _ planning something. And Raven’s right, you’re going to try and sneak off and fix things yourself, but it ain’t happening.”

Clarke mirrored Raven’s earlier outraged expression, “That’s why you wanted to announce our plan in front of everyone! So you could all gang up on us!”

“Yes,” Raven snapped, “because usually it’s  _ you two _ ganging up on  _ me _ and forcing  _ my _ hand so I figured turnabout is fair play!”

“Someone has to go,” Bellamy told them, a softness in his voice that Miller wasn’t used to.

Raven shook her head, “Fine, let’s all go then.”

Clarke’s brows furrowed. “All?”

Raven nodded indignantly. “All. You two, me, Murphy, Emori, Miller, and Octavia.”

“And Jackson,” Miller added indignantly.

“I don’t know if it’s wise to bring everyone,” Bellamy said quietly. They all heard the unspoken words,  _ if it’s wise to bring Octavia _ .

Octavia heard them too. Clearing her throat, she announced, “Actually, I should really stay here. Someone’s gotta keep this ship running whilst you’re away.”

The tension in the air was so thick, Miller reckoned someone could come in and cut it with a knife if they tried hard enough.

Raven broke the silence, “So it’s settled. Tomorrow morning, you two, me, Murphy, Emori, Miller and Jackson will go to the Sanctumites’ main camp and try to barter for peace.”

“On second thought,” Murphy and Emori shared a look and he continued, “I think we’ll stay here too.”

Clarke exhaled, “Okay, then. Me, Bellamy, Raven, Miller and Jackson will go. The rest of you will need to stay here and placate everyone else. My mom, Kane, the delegates-”

“Madi,” Octavia supplied and Clarke nodded solemnly.

Bellamy avoided looking at Octavia by turning to address Miller and Jackson. “We’ll meet back here tomorrow morning before dawn.”

Miller sighed, “Why before dawn?”

“That’s way too early,” Jackson agreed, taking his boyfriend’s arm.

“It’s best for slipping out undetected,” Clarke informed them somewhat sympathetically, and Miller couldn’t exactly argue with that so he just turned back to Bellamy.

“See you tomorrow morning, brother.”

“See you tomorrow.”

\---

The next day, with the two suns still hiding below the horizon, Bellamy stood in the lab, waiting. Dawn was coming soon, everyone needed to hurry up. He could faintly hear the hushed conversation in the room next to him and, as much as he didn’t want to pry, he couldn’t help but listen in.

“Please!” Madi protested.

“I’m so, so sorry,” Clarke sounded like she was choking back a sob, Bellamy recognised the strained tone of a parental figure desperate not to let their child see them cry. “I have to go.”

“I just got you back,” Madi wasn’t giving up. “I thought you were going to die, Clarke, and I didn’t even get to say goodbye.”

“I know, and I’m so sorry but I’m alive and I just need to do something really quick – I’ll just be gone a few days and then I’ll be back and we’ll have all the time in the world.”

“That’s what you said when I went out with the hunting party.”

“And you came back.”

“And now you want to leave me again.”

There was silence for a moment and Bellamy was half tempted to burst in. To tell Madi he understood how she felt, but  _ she _ needed to understand this was impossible for Clarke and she wasn’t making it much easier. But then he remembered that she was only fifteen and – even though she had the wisdom of the commanders in her head – she was still a kid, begging her mom to just  _ stay _ .

Clarke started to reply but Bellamy didn’t hear because he was distracted by a movement at the hallway door.

“Took you guys long eno-” he broke off as a familiar head of long, dark hair popped in.

“Hey, big brother,” she tried for casual, but her voice broke halfway through the greeting.

“What are you doing here?” Bellamy pursed his lips.

She swallowed, trying and failing to hide the hurt she felt at his cold demeanour. Bellamy tried not to feel guilty, she’d iced him out first, after all. “I just came to wish you luck. And say goodbye – well, not goodbye,” she rushed, “more like, see you again soon.”

“I think that’s the most you’ve spoken to me since I got back.”

“I know,” she nodded, as if trying to figure out her words. “I was just so angry when you left. I couldn’t understand how you could just… walk away. It felt like you were saying you didn’t care about me anymore. That you’d given up.”

Bellamy opened his mouth to retort but she held her hands up, cutting him off.

“And I know that’s not true,” she placated, “I’m not trying to place the blame on you or make you feel guilty. I know it’s my own issues I need to deal with. It just really stung, I guess.”

Bellamy did understand how she felt, he’d felt much the same way when Clarke had left after Mount Weather. He remembered what he’d said to her, that night on the beach.

_ “I was so angry at you for leaving. I don’t want to feel that way anymore.” _

“I get it, O,” he said finally, “and we have a lot more to talk about than just you giving me the silent treatment the past couple weeks but we don’t have the time to-”

“I know,” she cut him off again. “I just… I’ve been sorting through a lot of shit recently,” she admitted, “And there’s a few things I keep getting stuck on.”

He swallowed, “Oh?”

“Yeah,” she nodded. She broke into a smile, “We’ve always had a bit of a screwed-up dynamic, haven’t we?”

And despite himself, Bellamy couldn’t the short breath of laughter that escaped his lips, “Yeah, I guess you’re right.”

“You were so young,” she continued, “and you had this… responsibility. A responsibility that should never have been yours in the first place. And over the years, that responsibility has become harder and harder to manage, and  _ that’s my fault _ ,” she told him emphatically, “and I know that now. And if I could take it back, I would, but I can’t. All I can do is try to make it up to you and try to take that responsibility back, little by little, until it’s no longer yours to bear.”

Bellamy’s eyes stung with tears that threatened to spill down his cheek, revealing his true emotions. He finally managed to clear his throat, “That’s the problem, though, isn’t it? You were never just a responsibility. You’re my  _ sister _ , Octavia. And I will always love you,  _ always _ . But I can’t bear the responsibility of you at all anymore, and I don’t know if I’m quite ready to make amends at all yet.”

Octavia’s jaw trembled but – to her credit – she did not cry. Her throat bobbed when she spoke up again but her voice was firm, “That’s fair.”

It was the same thing she’d said to him before he’d sent her into cryosleep. After he’d told her that he wished part of her were dead.  _ God _ , he berated himself,  _ no wonder Octavia was so fucked. He was a terrible brother _ . Tears began to pool but he pushed them down, along with his negative thoughts,  _ No, you’re not a terrible brother, you tried your best, just like Octavia. And sometimes, you didn’t try your best, just like Octavia _ . Now they both had to deal with the consequences.

“I love you, big brother,” she wobbled.

“I love you too,” he replied hoarsely as she turned and walked out. He knew what she was really saying, and he would come find her when the time was right. But that wasn’t now. Now he had to go attempt to make peace deals with a people who would sooner see  _ his _ people wiped out.  _ You’ve dealt with worse and come out alive _ , he reminded himself. And they would come out of this alive, Bellamy would make damn sure of that. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oo, betcha thought i forgot abt the psychosis cure! or maybe _you_ forgot about it! (that was the plan, anyway)
> 
> also, i rly am a sucker for that blake sibling bond and 6x11 wrecked me and left me a little disappointed in terms of their scene (especially when i saw how much was cut from the original script)


	15. Bury My Love For You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Negotiations with the Sanctum people take their toll on everyone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ya bitch is back! so y'all may have noticed i disappeared for a little bit, many apologies. but i'm back and i might post smthn on my tumblr soon explaining why i disappeared or i might not, depends if i can be fucked (or maybe i just love the intrigue) 
> 
> but we're back to our regularly scheduled program - weekly posting! also this chapter is p long and eventful so hopefully that makes up for it somewhat, ily y'all and if ur actually reading this then i am eternally grateful that you obviously find some joy in this little outlet here and that ur not mad at me for just dropping off the face of the earth xx
> 
> this chapter was again beta'ed by the lovely, lovely @[charmaine-diyoza](https://charmaine-diyoza.tumblr.com/)
> 
> chapter title from Moondust by Jaymes Young

Bellamy paced anxiously.

“Ugh,” Jackson groaned, “Why is it so  _ hot _ ?”

“Two suns.” Miller reminded him, “Double the heat.”

Raven shook her head, “That’s not how that works at all. If we were really experiencing double the heat of one Earth sun it would be entirely unlivable conditio-”

“I love you, Raven,” Clarke interrupted, “But please, for the love of all things holy,  _ shut up _ .”

Raven looked affronted but quieted all the same. Jackson was right: it was hot, and the heat was making everyone irritable. The suns had risen a few hours ago, about the same time they reached the camp. Clarke surprised everyone by leading them to a secret entrance Cassio pointed out to her the last time she and Bellamy came to talk peace with these people. 

_ It didn’t go too well _ , Bellamy reminded himself with apprehension,  _ here’s hoping today went better _ .

Cassio strode back in. “She’ll meet,” he informed the five heads that snapped up, eagerly awaiting news. “But she’s super pissed. I don’t really think she’s in the negotiating mood today. I suggest waiting a few days, that’s how long it usually takes for her mood swings to pass.”

“A few days?” Bellamy sputtered. Technically, they had told Octavia to wait one week before presuming them dead and carrying on with their preparations for war, but still.

He nodded solemnly, “You will be welcome guests, of course.”

Clarke huffed a humourless laugh, “ _ Welcome guests? _ We’re at war, Cassio! I don’t see how us hanging around here for the next three days will improve her mood at all.”

Cassio continued to nod, “I see how it must sound, but – contrary to what she may have told you – my mother does not want war.”

“Could’ve fooled me,” Bellamy snarked, making Clarke snap around to face him. 

_ Play nice _ , she seemed to scold. 

“Look,” Raven spoke up, Bellamy had practically forgotten she, Miller and Jackson were even there. “From what I’m hearing, we all want the same thing. Would you please just try and convince your mother to meet with us today?”

“I’m sorry,” Cassio told them, the finality clear in his voice, “It’s best this way. If you come with me, I can take you to your rooms.”

“Our rooms? Plural?” Miller inquired with a hint of excitement in his voice.

Cassio nodded, “Of course. You’re guests, as I promised, and guests need rooms. We have three rooms, you may decide between yourselves who will take which. This way.” He gestured for the group to follow him. They trailed behind him, down four flights of stairs, going underground. Not for the first time, Bellamy wondered just how big this whole complex was. He got the impression they’d barely scratched the surface of the true size of this place.

“Here,” Cassio announced proudly, gesturing to three doors. “You’ll find some spare clothes in the closets. There is a ball tonight in the underground hall. You are all welcome.” Then, he turned to Clarke and bowed, “I would be honoured to escort you,” he glanced briefly to Bellamy, “That is, unless you are already spoken for.”

Clarke blushed as Bellamy ground his teeth. “No,” she asserted, “I am not spoken for. And I would love it if you would escort me tonight.”

Cassio grinned widely and Bellamy resisted the urge to punch him square in the face. “Wonderful, shall I meet you here at around eight?”

“Sounds like a plan,” Clarke nodded, still blushing. Cassio walked down the hall, an extra swing in his step and Bellamy clenched and unclenched his fists. Up until this moment, he had assumed that Miller and Jackson would take one room and he and Clarke would take another, leaving Raven the single room.

Raven smirked conspiratorially, “Well, it’s already six so I suppose we better get ready?”

Bellamy snorted,  _ He’d rather pull his own eyeballs out than watch Clarke dance with that slimeball _ . “Yeah, I’m not going.”

“Bellamy,” Clarke warned. “We want to show that we’re open to negotiation with these people, which means we need to be good guests,  _ which means  _ we need to accept every invitation they extend.”

Jackson nods, “Uh huh, so  _ that _ ’s why you let Cassio escort you? Just because we need to be good guests.”

The blush returned and she looked away, “Mhmm.”

“And it has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that he’s a total smokeshow?” Miller added.

Clarke clenched her jaw and Bellamy could see that she was getting uncomfortable with this line of questioning.

“Fine,” he announced, “I’ll go.”

“Thank you,” Clarke smiled, and Bellamy knew she was thanking him for more than just agreeing to attend. The group stood around awkwardly, waiting for someone to say something – anything, really.

“Well,” Miller announced, mercifully breaking the silence, “I guess Jackson and I will take this room.” They both walked towards the far door and when Miller passed Bellamy, he slapped him on the back and whispered, “Good luck, brother.”

“Fuck off,” Bellamy grumbled back.

Clarke and Raven seemed to be having a mental argument hat he was not privy to, so he decided it was clearly on him to be the bigger person and make a decision.

“I guess I’ll take this room,” he declared. He swore he saw a look of disappointment flash across Clarke’s face, but it was gone faster than it appeared and he convinced himself he must’ve imagined it.

“Clarke and I’ll take this one,” Raven said, looking disgruntled. Bellamy didn’t know what right she had to be mad at him. Was she counting on having a room to herself? Whatever it was, he couldn’t be bothered dwelling on it, so he strode off into his room and shut the door behind him.

Miller snickered, his ear pressed up against the door. “He’s a fucking idiot,” he declared to Jackson.

Jackson rolled his eyes, “Once you’re done spying on your best friend, can you come over here so we can decide what the hell we’re going to do about the whole… party thing.”

This got Miller’s attention. “What do you mean ‘what we’re going to do’? Clarke said it herself: we have to go, we’re guests.”

Jackson sighed, “I suppose. It just feels… weird, going to a party when we’re supposed to be here to deal with the fact that we’re, you know… at war.”

Miller considered this for a moment. “Yeah, but when in Rome.”

Jackson laughed, rolling his eyes, “Alright, I guess you’re right. Come away from the door then.”

Miller grudgingly peeled his ear away, still wanting to eavesdrop to Bellamy being a love-struck, jealous idiot.

Clarke sat on her and Raven’s bed and watched the havoc her friend now wrought. Raven had the closet open and every single dress, top, shirt and pair of pants that she liked thrown across the room within seconds.

“I’m telling you,” Raven pressed on, “Cassio is totally into you.”

Clarke rolled her eyes, “I heard you the first time Raven, I’m just not interested.”

“I wonder why,” Raven remarked.

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

Raven seemed to decide upon a dress, standing up and moving to the mirror to try on her selection. “You’re not interested in Cassio because you’re in love with Bellamy.”

Clarke huffed, “Oh, for the last time, I’m not in love with Bellamy! He’s my best friend and I… I guess I love him, but not the way that you want me to.”

Raven snorted, “It’s less a case of me  _ wanting _ you to love Bellamy any particular way, and more a case of you already loving him like that and me just wanting you to admit it to yourself… and then to him… and then fuck each other’s brains out. Is that so much to ask?”

Clarke turned to face the door, not able to look her friend in the eyes. She chose to ignore the last part of Raven’s statement, deciding there was too much to unpack to even get into it right then. “It’s all really complicated right now, Raven.We don’t have time to sort through this.”

“You love him, he loves you,” Raven insisted, “What’s so complicated about that?”

 Clarke sighed, “For one, we’ve got Madi to think about.”

“Oh please,” Raven rolled her eyes, “Madi is rooting for you guys more than  _ I _ am.”

“Raven,” Clarke begged, “Please just drop it.”

“No, Clarke. I won’t drop it because you need to just stop coming up with excuses and-”

“I’m scared, okay?!” Clarke shocked even herself with her outburst. She cursed herself, Bellamy was right across the hall, he could probably hear them. 

“I’m scared,” she repeated more quietly, “I’m scared that he doesn’t feel the same, that if I say anything, it’ll fuck up everything that we have. I’m scared.”

Raven tilted her head in that familiar way, “Clarke, I get it. It’s okay to be scared. But you cannot sit here and tell me you don’t know that man,” she pointed to the door Clarke had been eyeing just before, “is absolutely, head-over-heels in love with you.”

Of course Clarke didn’t think Bellamy was in love with her, she couldn’t let herself believe that - no matter how much she wanted to.

“Oh my god,” Raven look gobsmacked, “You  _ really _ don’t know! I’m actually pretty sure we had this conversation about a month ago where I was all ‘Yo, Bellamy’s into you, what’re you gonna do about that?’ and you were all ‘What? Bellamy’s into me?’ and it was like this big thing…” she trailed off at Clarke’s unimpressed expression. “Look- just… Just take my advice, okay? When you find someone that you can share your life with like that… you don’t let go.”

Clarke’s brows furrowed, “Hey, what’s gotten into you lately? Why are you all down?”

Raven brushed her off, “I’m fine, it’s just,” she gestured vaguely, “This whole war thing. It’s a lot.”

Clarke loved her best friend, but she wasn’t exactly the best liar. “Raven,” she pressed, “ _ What’s wrong _ ?”

Raven pointed her finger accusingly at Clarke, “No, you’re not getting out of us talking about your feelings for Bellamy by asking me about my problems with Shaw.”

_ So it  _ was _ about Shaw _ .

Raven seemed to realise her slip up. “Damnit,” she cursed.

Clarke sighed, not wanting to squeeze Raven too hard, lest she squeeze back. “Look, I’m your best friend, Raven, if you can’t talk to me, then who can you talk to?”

Raven swallowed. “We broke up,” she admitted, “a few weeks ago.”

Clarke gasped, “A few weeks? Raven, why didn’t you tell me?”

She kicked her foot, not meeting Clarke’s eyes. “You were all caught up with the Bellamy drama and then Madi was gone and then we were at war and then you got sick- I just didn’t want to bother you.”

She knew it wasn’t Raven’s intention, but Clarke immediately felt guilty. Raven was right, she’d been so caught up in her own shit that she hadn’t even stopped to ask her best friend how she was doing. Clarke couldn’t summon the words to express just how sorry she was, but Raven seemed to understand.

“But you know what?” Raven grinned. “Tonight, I just wanna get absolutely tanked with my best friend and dance with a stranger and just forget about all of it, okay?”

Clarke smiled back, ever minutely. “If that’s what you want, then okay.”

Raven nodded once, “Good. Now come here so we can pick out what you’re going to wear.”

Clarke rolled her eyes good-naturedly as Raven dragged her in front of the mirror and started throwing dresses at her. Clarke had never seen so many beautiful clothes. She’d spent most of her adult life in about six different outfits, max. Most of the time they were just the nearest available clean-ish clothes.

Suddenly, Raven turned to her with the widest grin, holding something so sparkly Clarke could barely look at it without blinding herself.

“No,” she said immediately, shaking her head.

“Oh, come on,” Raven insisted, holding the dress up in front of her so she could see it in the mirror. It was extremely low-cut and had a thigh-high slit. Clarke thought it was completely impractical, but she supposed fashion on this planet wasn’t really concerned with practicality. _And the dress_ was _super sparkly_. Her mother always used to tell her about a phrase girls had in the times before the bombs, _fashion over function_. Clarke used to think it was ridiculous, but the longer she looked at herself and this dress, the more she saw the appeal.

“Bellamy’s going to have a heart attack when he sees you in this,” Raven declared. And despite herself, Clarke couldn’t help but smirk at the thought.

“Well, what are you wearing?” Clarke countered. Raven was one step ahead of her though, rushing to pick up a dark green dress she’d thrown on the bed earlier. When Raven lifted it up, Clarke noticed that it wasn’t actually a dress, but a jumpsuit of sorts.  _ Very _ Raven.

“Tada!” Raven proudly displayed her outfit. “Now, come on! Let’s get dressed, we don’t want to be late.”

Clarke smiled at her friend’s enthusiasm. “And Raven? I’m so sorry. About Shaw and for ignoring you and just generally being a shitty friend.”

Raven smiled sadly, “Hey, don’t feel too bad, Griffin. It’s been super fun to watch you stumble over yourself every time Bellamy walks into the room.”

“Hey!” Clarke replied indignantly.

Raven just rolled her eyes good-naturedly, “C’mon, get your ass in gear and help me get this thing on!”

Bellamy sat in his room for about an hour and a half before deciding that he better get ready for this stupid dance thing, lest he risk getting an earful from Clarke for not being ‘a good guest.’ They were here to talk peace, not to play dance party.  _ And they definitely weren’t here to flirt with the locals _ , he thought irritably.  _ But that hadn’t stopped Clarke _ .

He pushed the feelings of jealousy aside and stepped out into the hallway to see everyone else waiting for him. He hadn’t been expecting them to be early. His eyes slid over them all, taking in their appearances, Raven in her green jumpsuit, Jackson and Miller in their matching blue and maroon suits, finally landing on Clarke. He gulped as the sparkling fabric she was wearing wrapped tightly around her figure,  _ She was absolutely breathtaking _ .

When she noticed his gaze, she did a small spin. “You like?”

He cleared his throat, trying to speak but not being able to put into words just how gorgeous she looked. “Beautiful,” he said finally, but it didn’t even begin to scratch the surface.

“Thanks,” she murmured, quickly looking away. Bellamy swore he saw Raven to the side looking smug but when he glanced her way, her expression was entirely neutral.

He was about to say something else when a familiar voice called from the other end of the hallway. “Oh, I’m so glad you’re all ready!”

As Cassio approached, he didn’t even try to hide the way his eyes swept hungrily over Clarke. Bellamy instantly felt his fist clenching at his side.

“Easy, tiger,” Jackson warned, whispering. “Clarke’s a big girl.”

Bellamy clamped his jaw shut to stop himself from retorting.

“You look positively ravishing, Clarke!” Cassio declared and Bellamy honestly thought he might have punched him right there if it weren’t for Miller’s hand on his arm.

“Take it easy, man,” Miller insisted quietly, “We’re here to talk peace, not to socialise or flirt or anything else. Clarke knows that, you should try and remember it.”

Miller’s words made sense, but they still did little to soothe the swelling pit of fury Bellamy felt surging in his gut. Then Clarke took Cassio’s arm and Bellamy thought they may as well just forget about the peace deals right now because he was pretty sure he was going to kill Cassio tonight.

“Right this way,” Cassio proclaimed, leading them down a dank staircase. They emerged in what Bellamy could only describe as a magnificantly decorated cave. Bioluminescent vines draped up and down the smooth, stone walls and trailed along the floor. He looked up to discover that the lights on the ceiling were actually just groups of glowing bugs.

“Fireflies,” Clarke whispered, laughing breathlessly.

Bellamy watched as she gazed around the room, eyes full of awe, and he smiled to himself.  _ She was truly beautiful when she was in her element _ . Then she looked away from the ceiling, meeting his eyes, and his heart stopped. Her face was so full of fierce wonder and Bellamy was reminded of a night way back when she wore a similar expression, although more subdued.

_ “Can you wish on this kind of shooting star?” she asked, her voice full of all the curiosity she’d been restraining the past few weeks since they landed. He stared down at this girl, who he only met a week ago and yet who he felt knew him like no one else did. _

_ “I wouldn’t even know what to wish for,” he lied. _

Of course it had been a lie, he’d known then and he knew now. He would wish for Clarke. For Clarke to be his, for him to be hers. For them to have an eternity together with no one else. Just them. 

_ Okay _ , he admitted,  _ maybe his wish wasn’t that sappy back then, but he’d be kidding himself if he said it wasn’t now _ .

But of course, wishes were hopes.  _ And hope breeds eternal misery _ , he reminded himself sternly.

Cassio took Clarke by the arm and led her onto the dance floor and Bellamy clenched his fist again.

“You know that could be you,” Miller remarked as Bellamy watched her go. “If you just grew a pair an-”

“Thank you, Miller,” he ground out, sulking off to find the refreshments.

Miller watched Bellamy walk off, clearly stewing, and shook his head.

“He brought this on himself,” Raven pointed out. “They both did.”

“They’re idiots,” Miller agreed.

Suddenly, Jackson tugged him towards the dance floor and all thoughts of Bellamy and his stupid love-induced idiocy were swept away as his boyfriend spun him around.

“C’mon, dance with me!” he called.

“Who are you and what have you done with my boyfriend?” Miller joked.

“Hey,” Jackson pointed out, “You said it yourself. When in Rome, right?”

Miller rolled his eyes and laughed, letting Jackson drag him away with only a fleeting glance back to Raven.

“Go,” she urged. “Dance with your beau! I’ll find something to do.” Just as she said this, a tall woman with dark hair and arresting eyes waltzed past and Raven watched her with interest. “Or someone!” she remarked, following after the woman and striking up a conversation. Miller turned back around to see Jackson already dancing and he laughed again.

“You better not be laughing at my dancing,” Jackson warned with a smile.

“Oh, I’m definitely laughing at your dancing.”

Jackson smirked, “Yeah well don’t laugh too hard because this is about to be you in a second.”

Miller’s smile dropped, “I don’t think so. You know I don’t dance, babe.”

Jackson pouted in that familiar way and Miller cursed.

“Nope,” he insisted, “That’s not working tonight. I don’t dance.”

“You do tonight,” Jackson pestered, still pouting, and Miller gave in.

“Fine, but just for tonight.”

The words were barely out of his mouth when Jackson grabbed his hand again and whisked him into the middle of the dance floor. Miller threw his head back and chuckled heartily.

Bellamy had just found the drinks table when he spotted Clarke. He almost ducked and hid but he realised that would be immature –  _ and he was too tall _ . He swallowed as she turned around, a huge smile plastered on her face.

She leaned in to whisper, “Are you enjoying yourself yet, Grumpy?”  

He shivered as her hot breath brushed his neck. “Yeah, it’s great,” he tried to convince her but she didn’t buy it for a minute.

“Bellamy,” she began seriously, “I know you’re worried, I am too. But for now, unfortunately, all we can do is sit and wait and try to lie low until we can speak to Amaya on Wednesday. In the meantime, we need to be grateful guests.”

He rolled his eyes, “I know, you keep saying that. But I don’t see how that equates to you wearing  _ that _ dress and flirting with Cassio.” The words were out of his mouth before he had a chance to stop them and he instantly regretted everything he said.

She frowned, “You don’t like the dress?”

Bellamy could honestly laugh,  _ he loved the dress – too much. _ “No, Clarke, that’s not what I meant, I’m sorry. I know you have to pretend to be nice to Cassio even if-”

“Even if what?” she asked venomously.

_ Oh boy, he was definitely blowing this. _ “I… I just meant…”

She huffed. “Yeah, I know what you meant.” And with that, she strode off.

“Stupid, Bellamy,” he berated, “Why are you such an  _ asshole _ ?!”

“Stupid, Clarke,” she berated herself as she strode off. “Why are you still so  _ into _ him, even when he’s being an asshole?”

Clarke got progressively more and more tanked and the night became more and more blurry. She was pretty sure she watched Miller and Jackson dancing –  _ Miller dancing? _ – for about thirty minutes before going off to find Raven and interrupting her  _ heavy _ make-out session with a dark and mysterious brunette. Then she watched Bellamy for what felt like an hour but was probably only ten minutes. Cassio had approached at some point and she danced and drank with him until she was sure her feet would fall off soon.

“I need a drink,” she stopped spinning and declared.

Cassio nodded, “Then let’s go get one. After, would you like me to show you the Glow Room? You were so fascinated by the Lampyridae on the ceiling, I thought you might like to see what it looks like when they all come together?”

She gasped, “Oh, I’d love that! So would Bellamy, we should show him too! Oh look, there he is,” she pointed to where he stood awkwardly at the drinks table.

“Bellamy!” Clarke called excitedly, running across the dance floor to greet him. “How cool is this thing?” she gestured vaguely to the ball behind her and hoped he couldn’t instantly see she was absolutely plastered.

Of course, he could though. “Yeah, it’s pretty great. How much have you had to drink tonight, Clarke?”

Cassio saved her from answering by walking up behind her and began to invite Bellamy to tag along with them. “Clarke and I were just heading to th-”

“Forgive me for asking,” Bellamy interrupted, sounding pissed. “But what exactly are your intentions with Clarke?”

_ His intentions?  _ Clarke puzzled.  _ What the hell, Bellamy? _ “What the  _ hell _ , Bellamy!” she hissed, voicing her thoughts.

For some reason, he defended his ridiculous words. “I’m allowed to be curious, aren’t I?”

She didn’t even deign that with a response, just shaking her head and dragging a sputtering Cassio away by the arm.  _ Why was he being such an asshole tonight? _

Some point after that, she’d managed to lose Cassio when he started talking to one of his friends and she quietly slinked back to the drinks table – after first making sure that Bellamy had left.

Clarke decided that tonight had been long enough and all she really wanted to do was go back to her room and crawl up in ball and sleep until this was all over. She started to make her way to the exit, distantly aware that she had no clue where she was going, when Cassio appeared to materialise out of nowhere.

“Jesus!” she jumped.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to startle you,” his arms reached out to steady her as she nearly toppled in her ridiculously high heels.

She instinctively flinched away from his touch before cursing herself,  _ She was the one reminding everyone else they needed to be good guests _ . “It’s fine,” she promised, “I’m just a little jumpy.” She spared another forlorn glance to the exit.

“Are you leaving?”

“Uh…” she didn’t want to offend Cassio, but she also didn’t want to lie.

He gave a small chuckle, “You are free to retire back to your quarters. If you like, I can escort you.” At her apparent hesitance, he pressed on, “I told you before, Clarke, you’re all guests here. Every one of you.” He emphasised the last sentence and she knew he was referring to Bellamy’s earlier displays.

“I’m sorry about Bellamy.” She added, “He gets jumpier than me, around new people.”

Cassio smiled softly, “You don’t need to apologise for him, I understand his desire to protect you. You’re very beautiful, Clarke.”

Clarke thought she might blush, like she did earlier when Cassio flirted with her, but she didn’t. She didn’t even feel the slightest hint of butterflies,  _ goddamn her feelings for Bellamy, even when was being an asshole _ . “Cassio,” she began gently, “You’re very sweet but I really should-”

He raised his hands, “My apologies, that wasn’t an advance.”

His words brought her immense relief, she really couldn’t deal with a pseudo-love triangle on top of all this war bullshit.

“I mean, you  _ are _ beautiful,” he continued, “But I have a feeling your interests lie elsewhere.” He studied the room, eyes finally landing on the man she’d been stealing glances at throughout their whole conversation.

The earlier blush returned and she cursed her traitorous face. “It’s complicated,” she explained, finally.

He nodded, seeming to understand. “For what it’s worth, he clearly cares very deeply for you. As you do for him.”

She smiled lopsidedly, “Thank you, Cassio. I really am going to head off though.”

“If I see Bellamy, I shall let him know where you went?”

Clarke thought about trying to find him but the room was so dark – despite the glowing vines and bugs – and there were so many people here. “That would be great, thanks.”

Clarke slowly made her way back to her room, meandering down the long hallway, only just seeing the beautiful art hung up on every single wall. As she approached her door, she swung it open and flicked the light on.

“Oh, shit!” In all the commotion of tonight, Clarke seemed to have forgotten that is was Raven’s room too. And Raven clearly forgot it was also Clarke’s room, as she was wrapped in the sheets with the same brunette Clarke saw her making out with earlier.

“Clarke, shit!” Raven hid her face in the brunette girl’s shoulder. “Um, this is probably a bad time to ask but would you maybe want to spend the night with Bellamy?” Raven asked, pointedly.

Clarke scoffed, “Do I have a choice?” But she was already turning the light off and closing the door.

“Love you!” Raven called as the door shut.

“Yeah, yeah. Love you too,” Clarke called back quietly. Once she was back in the hallway, she braced herself against the wall for a long moment before turning to face Bellamy’s room. She didn’t even know if he was in there. In fact, she was pretty sure she saw him still lingering at the dance. She decided to try her chances, slowly easing the door to his room open. No such luck.

Bellamy put down the book he had been reading. “Clarke?”

She shrugged, “Hi. I’ve been exiled.”

His brows furrowed and she explained, “Raven met someone at the party and they’re in there right now,” she pointed behind her, gesturing vaguely to where her room was.

“Oh, you can stay here tonight, if you want,” he offered.

She smiled, “Thanks.” Sitting down on the bed next to him, she picked up the book he had put down, reading the cover. “ _ The Metamorphoses, Book One _ .”

“It’s uh, Ovid,” he explained. That didn’t offer any more explanation for Clarke, but she didn’t really need any more.

She smiled, “Can you read it to me?”

He raised his eyebrows, “Really?”

“Of course. I just need to change out of this  _ ridiculous _ dress first.”

He swallowed, “Oh, yeah, um there should be a bunch of clothes in the closet there. I’ll just look away.”

Clarke didn’t know why, but she felt extremely self-conscious, even though she knew Bellamy wasn’t watching. Even just changing in his general presence stirred up butterflies.

Once she’d selected an oversized shirt and a comfortable pair of shorts, she curled up next to him in the bed.

“What would you like me to read?” he asked quietly.

She closed her eyes, resting her head on his shoulder. “What’s your favourite bit?”

She didn’t open her eyes but she heard pages flipping and then felt him clear his throat a bit before his deep voice filled her ears.

“Oh, you for whom I have so much compassion, how would you feel now, if you had been saved from death without me? How could you endure the fear all by yourself? Who would console your grief? For if the sea had taken you, dear wife, I would follow you – believe me – and the sea would have me, too.”

At this, Clarke opened her eyes slowly, gazing up at the man she loved so deeply. The words he quoted seemed to speak to Clarke’s innermost feelings.  _ Did he know? _ she wondered.  _ Did he know she felt that way? Is that why he chose that quote? _

Bellamy’s lips parted slightly and he tugged his ear in that familiar way that meant he was nervous and another possibility occurred to Clarke.  _ Was it at all possible that he felt the same? Was that why he chose the quote? _ There was only one way to really know.

“Why did you chose that part?” she asked, her voice scraping with all the resistance her head brought forth. But for once, her heart was winning.

He didn’t look away, meeting her gaze with an intensity she only ever saw in her dreams. “Because that’s how I feel about you,” he told her simply, his voice doing that soft rumble thing that she absolutely adored.

_ Well, it was now or never _ . “Bellamy, I l-”

The words were stolen off her lips as he snaked a hand under her chin, tilting her head to face his better and crashing his lips down on hers. It was sweet and soft and unrelenting all at once and Clarke was swept away. Bellamy began to withdraw and she realised that she had been so paralysed by shock that she hadn’t even kissed him back. If this was the only time she was going to be able to do this, she was sure as hell going to make sure she got her fill – not that she could ever be full when it came to him.

“Please don’t stop,” she murmured, her hand fisting in his shirt and pulling him back to her. Ho obliged willingly, arms coming to wrap around her waist. In a slightly daring move, Clarke shifted, throwing one leg over his and coming to rest in Bellamy’s lap. He gave a soft moan as she settled in and she knew she’d made the right call. 

Clarke carded her hands through his hair, the way she’d always wanted to, and was rewarded when her fingernails scratched at his scalp and elicited a low groan from him. She did it again, harder this time and tugging slightly, and he nipped at her bottom lip, causing her to buck her hips. That only made her want him more. But they couldn’t do that tonight,  _ could they? _ No, they couldn’t.

She summoned all the willpower that she had and pulled away so she could look him eye-to-eye.

When he had stopped kissing her and her head actually had time to clear and catch up with her heart, she realised she didn’t really know what she wanted to say. So she said the words she’d been waiting to say for as long as she could remember.

“I love you. You need to know that, before… before anything, you need to know I love you.”

“I love you too.” He grinned that dopey smile she loved and what remained of her heart melted away. Once the euphoria of  _ finally  _ saying those three words began to lift, Clarke was left with the panic.  _ What were they going to do now? Oh god, she kissed Bellamy, and he kissed her, and now they had to talk about it and oh god _ -

“Hey,” Bellamy reached a hand out to smooth the worry lines that had begun to collect at her forehead, the same way she’d done for him. “I can see your panic wheels turning from here,” he whispered and she laughed. He always knew how to stop her spiralling right in its tracks.

“I don’t really know what we do now,” she confided.

“Me neither.”

“I feel like we should kiss some more,” she teased.

“I mean, it would be wrong if we didn’t.”

She rolled her eyes, still not able to wipe the huge grin from her face. “You’re such a dope.”

“And yet you love me. No taksie-baksies now, Princess.”

She kissed him again. “No taksie-backsies,” she promised against his lips.

In the morning, they would have burdens, and responsibilities, and things to do. But just for tonight, they would pretend they didn’t. Just for tonight, they would pretend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> see y'all again next week xx


	16. Love You Selfishly

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THREE THINGS: 
> 
> one: this was supposed to be up yesterday, i know. i'm sorry. i got back from my friend's show late and my internet was being shitty and i honestly just couldn't be fucked dealing with that
> 
> two: i _do_ have a beta and she is amazing, but i'm hopeless so i forgot to send this chapter in time to have it up for u guys so this chapter is _not_ beta'ed so it's prolly a little shittier than y'all are used to 
> 
> three: prepare yo'selves for h*ck loads of fluff 
> 
> also it's a bit of a short chapter tonight, sorry xx
> 
> chapter title from

Clarke rolled over, opening her eyes to see his sleeping face. She smiled, _he was so beautiful_. His mouth was slightly open and he looked uncharacteristically soft – peaceful, almost. Clarke shifted a little and he tightened his grip around her waist, tangling their legs together even further. She reached out and gently stroked her index finger over the space between his eyebrows, for once not creased with worry.

He appeared to stir and she whispered, “Morning.”

He groaned and stretching pulling her even closer so that her body was flush against his.

“Morning,” he whispered back, eyes still closed.

She continued to trace gentle patterns over and around his eyebrows and he smirked. “Admit it, Princess,” he mumbled sleepily, “You have a fixation.”

She chuckled, “Maybe.”

He head tilted his head to the side, eyes still closed, and pressed a small kiss to her palm. It was chaste and lasted maybe a millisecond, but it warmed Clarke’s insides.

The feeling didn’t last long though, as last night’s previous anxieties began to creep back in. “Bellamy, we need to talk about what we’re going to tell everyone else.”

He pouted, eyes opening reluctantly. “Why do we have to tell them anything at all?”

She snorted, “Yeah, we should just go to breakfast and start making out over the table, no one will even bat an eye.”

“That’s what I’m saying!”

Her smile dropped and she levelled her gaze, “ _Bellamy_.”

He sighed, “I know, I know. We need to figure something out. Can’t it wait though? We do kind of have more pressing concerns?”

She did have to admit, he had a point there. “Speaking of, we should probably get up now, shouldn’t we?”

“Probably,” he agreed, not moving.

“C’mon,” she shifted reluctantly out of his grip, sitting up, “Let’s get going.”

He pouted but followed, nonetheless.

 _She could do this_ , Clarke told herself, _she could spend one day pretending she wasn’t hopelessly in love with Bellamy Blake. Of course she could, she did it every damn day._ The only difference now was that he knew. And she knew that he knew. But that wouldn’t change anything, _Would it?_

 

Miller grunted as Jackson hurled a pair of pants at him.

“Get dressed!” he declared.

Miller groaned, rolling over and pulling the covers up over his face. “No!” he cried, curling up into a ball.

Jackson sighed, leaning over to rip the covers off him. “C’mon. I have a small suspicion that if we’re late for breakfast, Clarke will skin us alive and hang our husks out the front of the camp as a warning. She seemed to be in a pretty bad mood last night and I can’t imagine Raven sexiling her would have improved it.”

As much as he hated it, Miller had to admit Jackson was right. He got up and pulled on the pants his boyfriend had thrown at him moments ago, hoping that Clarke would be lenient because they were definitely already a little bit late.

Miller yawned and stretched before slipping his hand into Jackson’s as they pattered down the long hallway to where Cassio had told them the dining hall was. And by god was it a hall. Five banquet tables ran the length of the room and swarms of people sat at them, happily chatting away whilst people in uniforms strode up and down the aisles, offering more food. Miller was pretty sure he read a book once that had a banquet hall like this one – although the book had four tables instead of five, and each table had coloured banners above it.

Before he could think any longer on it though, Jackson was tugging him along to meet their friends. Clarke was sat next to Raven and across from Bellamy and she looked… surprisingly cheerful.

“Morning!” she chirped, as the two men sat down. _This couldn’t be right,_ Miller told himself, _Clarke didn’t chirp._

“Hey,” he replied tentatively, “How was your night?”

She quickly swallowed down the mouthful of – _oh my god, were those pancakes?_ “Very good, thank you,” Clarke interrupted Miller’s breakfast-consumed thoughts. “How was your night?”

Jackson mused, “Pretty good, too, I’d say. Wouldn’t you agree, babe?” He turned to Miller.

Miller simply nodded, already shovelling pancakes into his mouth. “Did you get up to much after the party?” Miller asked, bits of food flying out of his mouth.

Clarke snorted at Miller’s struggle to wolf down the huge mouthful he’d taken. “Not really. Raven did, though,” she smiled conspiratorially. “Didn’t you?”

 

The other girl blushed and Bellamy thanked his lucky stars that Clarke was so smooth, Miller was starting down a line of questions that Bellamy wasn’t sure Clarke had the answers to. Well, she had the answers of course, they both did, but neither of them wanted those answers out in the open just yet.

Raven rambled on about the girl she met at the party and how they’d ‘connected instantly’ and Raven hadn’t felt that kind of connection with someone in ‘the longest time’. With everyone else was completely engrossed in Raven’s story, Bellamy snuck a glance at Clarke.

 _God, she was beautiful_. He felt an absurd amount of amount of joy that he could actually tell her that now, and not worry how she would react, what it would imply. Although he couldn’t exactly tell her right here, right now, what with their friends being right there. But later, he would make damn sure she knew.

Clarke caught him and raised her eyebrows, as if she were challenging him.

 _You’re staring_ , she mouthed, smirking all the while.

He grinned brashly. _Can’t help it_ , he mouthed back, _You’re gorgeous_.

She rolled her eyes, but he caught the all-too-familiar blush rising up her neck.

Bellamy was just starting to allow himself to feel the slightest bit of optimism that their unexpectedly extended trip would consist mostly of moments like this when a voice he’d unfortunately become accustomed with bellowed.

“Morning, all!”

Cassio sat down next to Bellamy, clapping him on the back and asking, “How was the rest of your night, friend? I didn’t really see you after the whole drinks table debacle, but Clarke told me-”

“Yeah,” Bellamy cut him off, not sure what game Cassio was playing but positive he didn’t want to be part of it. “It was great, thanks.”

Bellamy looked up in time to see Clarke swallowing as if they’d just dodged a bullet and he thanked his quick thinking.

Clarke cleared her throat, announcing to the whole table, “Well, we better get going back to our rooms. Breakfast was lovely. Cassio, you mentioned last night that you would speak to your mother about squeezing us in today so we should probably all change and shower.”

“Did I?” Cassio cocked his head thoughtfully. “When was that?”

Clarke clenched her jaw, a look of utter contempt flashing across her face for a split second before it was replaced with her usual, practised politician’s smile. “Oh, you know, last night,” she waved her hand vaguely.

“Oh, yes!” Cassio faked an epiphany – he was a terrible actor. “Last night, when we were discussing your fee-”

“Yes!” Clarke ground out, a little too loudly, “That’s right, that was when. We don’t really have to go over the other topics we discussed, that’s okay.”

Cassio grinned haughtily, “Of course. Well, I’ll talk to my mother – but not promises.”

Raven, Miller and Jackson all seemed to get the message that – for whatever reason – Clarke didn’t want to sit and chat with Cassio this morning and they cleared out quickly, all mumbling vague excuses about having to get ready.

“I’ll see you back in our room?” Raven asked Clarke.

Clarke glanced between the two men still at the table who were currently engaged in a furious staring competition – more like glaring competition. “Uh, actually, I think I’ll just see you guys in the courtyard.”

Raven narrowed her eyes suspiciously but thankfully didn’t say anything, just walking off down the hallway.

“What the _fuck_ was that?” Clarke squawked, whipping back around to face Cassio.

“What was what?” Cassio practically bat his eyelashes, playing dumb.

“Oh, you fucking _know_ what. I mean you trying to out Bellamy and my relationship!” she gestured between the two of them.

“You haven’t already told them?” Cassio asked innocently.

“You knew damn fucking well we haven’t,” Bellamy snapped.

Cassio shrugged, “I just assumed you would have, since you all seem to be so close.”

Clarke rolled her eyes, “Look, I don’t have the energy to deal with this today, on top of everything else I’m already panicking about,” Bellamy reached out to stroke her hand comfortingly and she quietly relished in the intimacy of the gesture. “So, just… promise you’ll drop it for today, okay?”

Cassio looked less than impressed but eventually nodded and Clarke sagged in relief.

“C’mon,” Bellamy whispered, “Let’s go get ready to see Amaya.”

Clarke nodded, letting him guide her down the hall and back to their rooms. She silently thanked her luck that no one else was in the hallway to see her go into Bellamy’s room. Clarke immediately threw herself onto the bed, already exhausted even though it was only ten am.

Bellamy laughed at her overdramatic gesture. “Don’t go back to sleep just yet,” he warned. “We still have much to do today.”

Clarke groaned from underneath the pillow she’d smacked over her face. She felt the bed dip near her left hip, then her right. She pushed the pillow away to see Bellamy hovering over her.

“Hi,” he smiled cockily.

She did her best not to smile, trying desperately not to encourage him. She failed miserably.

“See, that’s good,” he grinned, “You’re smiling.”

“Just laughing at how much of a dork you are,” she teased.

He sat up, slapping a hand over his chest in mock offense. “I can’t believe you would say such hurtful things to me, especially when I’m trying to cheer you up.”

She laughed, sitting up quickly and pushing him over so he came crashing down on the other side of the bed.

“Oof,” he groaned as he collided with the mountain of pillows and doona.

“See, now _that_ cheers me up.”

He shook his head, “Oh, now you’re in for it.”

Clarke yelped as Bellamy reached a hand out to poke her in the side. She buckled and he took the opportunity to flip them over so he was once again leaning over her. Except now he seemed to be a lot closer, Clarke tried her best to suppress the feelings his proximity stirred.

His breath ghosted across her cheek and she shivered. “I’m pretty sure this is what we agreed we _weren’t_ going to do last night,” she reminded him hoarsely.

“Technically, we never came to a verbal agreement about that.”

Clarke tilted her head, they both knew that they didn’t have to verbally communicate to agree on things anymore. It was part of their charm.

 “But you’re right,” Bellamy resigned, sitting back. “We don’t need any more… distractions right now.”

She smirked, “Distraction? Is that what I am to you?” she teased.

He rolled his eyes, knowing she was just pulling his leg. “Well, no. But if we do _that_ right now, I honestly won’t be able to think about anything else for the rest of the day – at least.”

She grinned, “So confident in my abilities.”

He chuckled, “Who said it had anything to do with you?”

Clarke threw her head back and laughed, she was about to retort when a knock sounded at the door. They both furrowed their brows in confusion, _Who would be knocking on their door right now?_ Clarke noticed that she was already referring to this room that they’d been staying in for one night as _their room_ and filed the thought away for another time.

“It’s Raven, can I come in?”

Clarke cleared her throat, throwing herself up and off the bed. “Yeah, of course.” She tried for casual and prayed that it came across.

The door cracked open and Raven’s head popped in. “Sorry if I’m interrupting,” she began.

“You’re not interrupting,” Bellamy reassured.

“Because there’s nothing to interrupt,” Clarke clarified. Bellamy nodded in agreement.

“Right,” Raven said slowly, clearing not buying it. “Anyway, Miller, Jackson and I are all ready to go. We’re just waiting on you.”

“We’ll be right out,” Clarke told her.

Raven nodded, slipping out and closing the door behind her.

Clarke sighed, “Duty calls.”

Bellamy nodded, before quickly remembering breakfast. “Oh, wait, I wanted to tell you something earlier.”

Clarke spun back around to face him, her short hair following her movements. “Yeah?”

“You look beautiful,” Bellamy told her sincerely.

She grinned, blushing, “You really know how to treat a girl, huh?” Clarke simultaneously loved and hated the way his words made her feel. Like a little schoolgirl whose crush had just said ‘hi’ to her. She walked back over to him, grabbing his face in her palms and pressing a quick kiss to his lips.

“C’mon,” she whispered finally, “We gotta go.”

“Things to do, people to see,” he agreed.

“Peace treaties to make.”

“Wars to prevent,” he finished and she laughed, walking back towards the door.

 

Jackson groaned as the three of them stood in the hallway, waiting for Clarke and Bellamy. Miller felt much the same. Finally, they stepped out into the hallway and Miller rolled his eyes.

“Took you two long enough,” he murmured.

“You didn’t have to wait for us,” Bellamy snarked. Miller was about to retort but Jackson grabbed his arm and began to drag him up the hallway.

“C’mon,” Jackson addressed the group, “Let’s just go.”

Out of the corner of his eye, Miller saw Clarke smack Bellamy in the side and he felt slightly vindicated. Enough to let it go and follow quickly behind Jackson.

They had bigger problems anyway.


	17. Don’t Put the Blame on Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> War, Love and Peace

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok first; sorry if the formatting is a lil funny, i’m posting from my phone but i’m gonna come back later on my laptop and fix it.   
> second; this is another lil filler chapter but you may be able to tell we’re winding up to some Big Action Plot™️ so get pumped for that!  
> third; i have extended this fic bc turns out there’s more i wanted to cover. i don’t know _quite_ how many chapters there will be yet but i should hopefully by nxt week. 
> 
> also, chapter title from Human by Rag N Bones

Amaya sat at the other end of the room, examining the six of them with scrutiny. She turned to Cassio, a shrewd expression on her face.  
“You have directly disobeyed not only your mother, but your queen. Return to your chambers while I decide what to do with you.”  
He nodded but made no move to leave. “With respect, Your Greatness, I feel I must explain my actions. You see, the invaders – sorry,” he turned to bow at Raven, Miller, Jackson, Clarke and Bellamy. “The Earth people. They have information and technology that may prove most useful to us. And well, frankly, I trust them.”  
Amaya stuck her nose up as she surveyed Clarke. Bellamy stepped in front of her, blocking her somewhat from Amaya’s glare. Amaya pursed her lips, “I will not let your inexplicable infatuation with this Earth girl dictate our policy.”  
“Mother,” Cassio pleaded, “This has nothing to do with my personal feelings towards Clarke, nor any of the other Earth people,” at this, he spared a glance to Bellamy.  
Amaya considers this for a moment. “Very well, what information and technology do you have to present?”  
Clarke nodded at Raven to step forward and explain.   
“I assume you are aware of the psychosis-inducing eclipse that plagues your planet every few months?”  
Amaya nodded, Raven continued.  
“Well then I also assume you have a protocol to deal with its effects. And I assume it has something to do with this underground complex?”   
Amaya narrowed her eyes, “If you know we already have a way to avoid the eclipse, I don’t see what else you could have to offer us.”  
Raven smirked, “What if we have a better way? A cure for the psychosis, to be administered once a year. It acts like a vaccine, teaching the body’s cells how to defend themselves against the effects of the psychosis.”  
“Well, where is this cure? How much is there?” Amaya tutted impatiently.  
Raven looked to Clarke who stepped forward. “It’s at our compound. We only have enough doses for our people at the moment but we can easily make more, if we can settle this war.”  
“You’re asking us to surrender?” Amaya scoffed, “Sanctum will never surrender.”  
“Not surrender,” Bellamy intervened. “Think of it more as both sides laying our weapons down before we’ve picked them up. A peace treaty, no violence.”  
Amaya stood, pulling herself up to her full height so that she almost towered over Bellamy. “We tried a peace treaty, your people violated it and declared war. My people are just obliging.”  
“Our people did not intend to violate the treaty,” Bellamy reassured. “In fact, we were both conned,” he gestured between himself and Amaya, “By Xander.”  
“I suppose that traitor did nothing to aid relations between our two peoples.” Amaya huffed, “Perhaps we can settle this without violence. I will only speak with your leader, though.”  
Everyone turned to look at Clarke who nodded, “I would be happy to, but I do request that my… advisor,” she pulled Bellamy next to her, “be present also.”  
Amaya smiled venomously. “No, you are not your people’s leader.”  
Clarke’s eyes went wide. “No, you cannot speak to Madi. She’s not a leader, she’s just a child.”  
“She’s a child,” Amaya agreed, “But she is also your leader and I will speak with her and her alone.”  
Clarke moved to protest but Bellamy pulled her aside.   
“A moment to confer?” Raven requested, turning back to Clarke once Amaya granted it. “Listen, I kno-”  
Bellamy held his hand up, “Please just let me talk to her, Raven.”  
Raven huffed but walked back to Miller and Jackson who had been quietly observing the whole time.  
“Hey,” Bellamy stroked Clarke’s arm comfortingly, “You know none of us will ever let anything happen to Madi, right?”  
Clarke nodded grudgingly. “I know, Bell. I just…”  
“You’re worried,” Bellamy finished and she sighed.  
“She’s a kid, she shouldn’t have to be making decisions like this. And she’s definitely not equipped to handle ‘peace talks’ with that manipulative monster. I know she’s fifteen but that’s still too young for any of this,” she gestures wildly around them. “Charlotte was twelve, Bell. That’s only three years younger than Madi, and we both know what happened to her.”  
Bellamy levelled his gaze, waiting patiently for Clarke to stop spiralling.   
She finally caught his eyes, taking several deep breaths. “But you’re right, we’re not going to let anything happen to her. And she’s strong, right?”  
Bellamy nodded, “Like her mom.”  
Clarke let out a laugh.   
“Besides,” Bellamy continued, “It’s our only choice.”  
Clarke laughed again and shoved him lightly. They returned to the rest of the group and she addressed Amaya. “You may accompany us back to our camp and you may speak with Madi, but I would like to be present for all discussions.”  
Amaya thought this over for a minute before finally turning and smiling, “Very well. You and one other…” she swung her gaze to Bellamy, looking him up and down, “Advisor may be present.”  
The five friends let out a collective sigh of relief. Peace was within their grasp now.  
Cassio turned to address them, “Go back to your rooms and gather your things, we depart for your camp in an hour.”  
As soon as they left the throne room, Jackson let out a huge exhale. “Oh my god, that was so stressful. Not gonna lie, I thought she was going to turn around and have us all executed or something.”  
Miller laughed, clapping him on the back and then drawing him in for a hug, “We did it. it’s over now.”  
“No,” Clarke interrupted, “It’s not over. It’s just begun.”  
\---  
Bellamy watched as Clarke furiously packed a bag that Cassio had handed to them as they left his mother’s throne room.   
“You’re mad,” he said simply.  
“I’m not mad,” she ground out.   
“Well, I know you, and you’re either mad or you’re plotting. So, which is it?”  
“I’m not mad,” she repeated.  
He smirked, “Well, what are you plotting, then?”  
She didn’t answer and the smile fell off his face. He walked up to her, tearing her hands away from the clothes and forcing her to look him in the eyes. “What are you planning, Clarke?”  
She swallowed, turning away and resuming her packing. “I was talking to Cassio on the night of the party, just in case his mother wouldn’t see us, and well… if Amaya were to… die, Cassio would surely take the throne, as her only hei-”  
“No,” Bellamy spoke firmly. “Clarke, no.”  
She turned back to him, voice breaking, “I can’t let anything happen to Madi. You know Amaya’s not interested in peace, she just wants to use us to get to Madi for some reason and I don’t want to find out why.”  
“Clarke,” he hissed, “You are talking about assassinating a person. What if they find out it was you?”  
She held her head up in that stubborn way Bellamy was too familiar with. “Then I’ll have to live with the consequences… or die with them.”  
He shook his head, “For god’s sake, Clarke, no. I thought we talked about this. You promised you were going to stop doing this!”  
“She’s my child.” She paused before looking up into his eyes. “My responsibility.”  
He frowned. “Don’t- don’t do that,” he begged, “Don’t pull that shit with me. And don’t put all that weight on yourself. Because it’s not what you think it is. It’s not heroic, or noble, or ‘the right thing to do’. It’s fucking stupid, is what it is. It’s stupid, and reckless, and self-sacrificing – and not in the good way. Trust me.”  
Clarke was trying to keep her edge, but Bellamy could see it slowly slipping away.  
“I’ve already decided, Bellamy,” she told him, the finality in her voice evident. “Please don’t try and talk me out of it, it won’t work.”  
\---  
The walk back to camp was a mostly silent one, no one made eye contact with Clarke. She knew why Bellamy was mad, but Raven, Miller and Jackson? What did she do to them? Maybe Bellamy told them what she was planning? But why weren’t they then rushing to talk her out of it. No, there had to be another reason they were icing her out.   
“Hey,” Clarke sidled up between Miller and Jackson, “How are you guys doing? You know, with everything going on.”  
“Not bad, considering,” Jackson forced a smile. “How about you? You seemed pretty stressed, especially after talking to Bellamy when you were packing. Anything happen?”  
Clarke furrowed her brows suspiciously, “No… is there anything you think happened?”  
Miller shrugged, “No. If you say nothing happened, we believe you. Nothing happened today, just like nothing happened last night after the party.”  
Clarke’s eyes narrowed, “Yeah, you guys are being weird so I’m gonna…” she trailed off, pointing vaguely off to the side.   
As Clarke wandered off, straying as far from the group as she dared, with the way Amaya’s guards were eyeing her warily – maybe they knew what she was planning, too – she noticed Bellamy making a beeline for her. At least he was finally talking to her.   
“Clarke,” he greeted.   
She snorted at the formality of his tone. “What’s up your ass?” she quipped.   
“Sorry,” he replied snidely, “The woman I love is about to make a dumb mistake and get herself killed. I guess you could say it’s making me a little tense.”  
She rolled her eyes, “I’m not going to get myself killed, Bellamy.”  
“Oh, is that a fact?”  
“It is.” He scoffed and she explained, “I have the perfect plan, complete with eye witnesses and an airtight alibi.”  
“Please,” he remarked sarcastically, “Do enlighten me.”  
She pat his chest condescendingly, “Don’t you worry yourself with the details. All you need to know is that in twenty-four hours, Amaya will be dead and we will be free to make a fair peace deal with Cassio.” They both glanced over to the man in question who was trailing behind his mother like a lost puppy dog.   
“How can you know for sure that Cassio will become the leader after her?” Bellamy challenged.   
Clarke stopped, tugging Bellamy around to face her. “Do you trust me?” There was not a shadow of a doubt in Clarke’s mind of what his answer would be  
“Of course I do,” he answered immediately. “But I also care about you and I worry for you. Especially when you come up with crazy plans li-”  
“Do you trust me?” Clarke repeated more firmly.   
Bellamy sighed in resignation, “Yes. I trust you completely. Obviously.”  
Clarke stared back, searching for the confirmation in his eyes that would reassure her he was telling the truth. She found it.   
She broke away to see Raven watching the two of them with intrigue. Clarke walked away from Bellamy wordlessly – there really was nothing left to say – as she approached Raven, knowing the girl was just buzzing with questions.   
“So,” Raven began, “You and Bellamy…”  
“Yes?” Clarke asked innocently.  
“What’s going on?”  
“Nothing’s going on, Raven. Also, that’s the most words you’ve said to me in three hours.”  
Raven scoffed, “You exaggerate. And you haven’t exactly been easy to talk to, what with all the brooding and staring despondently.”  
“I haven’t been brooding,” Clarke snapped indignantly.  
Raven didn’t reply, just raised her eyebrows challengingly, making Clarke roll her eyes.  
“I’m just stressed, okay?”  
Raven nodded, “I know, and if there’s anything you need to talk about, you can come to me. You know that, right?”  
“I know, Raven,” Clarke reassured. 

And she did know, but Clarke couldn’t implicate any more people. She’d already risked Bellamy’s life by telling him, there was no way she was going to bring Raven down with her too. No, if Clarke was going to do this, she had to do it alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the fic is extended bc i was originally gonna have the peace deal with Amaya go over smoothly and then happy endings yay but where’s the fun in that right?

**Author's Note:**

> as always, feedback is appreciated! (leave a kudos too if u feel like it) xx


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